Discussion Found Here on Abuse Terms

Gaslighting: Gaslighting is an umbrella term for most of the types of abuse described below. It involves psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc. The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected. Denying: Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating. (Examples) The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. EG: confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and your very sanity. Withholding is another form of denying: Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the 'silent treatment'. When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own. Denying can be particularly hurtful and damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience. Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind. Dominating: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When someone else dominates you, you can lose respect for yourself. Emotional Blackmail: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other 'sensitive' areas to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, or to totally reject or abandon you, giving you the 'cold shoulder', or bringing up your past against you, or using other fear tactics to control you. Invalidation: The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say 'You are just too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you'. Here is a much more complete description of invalidation. Minimizing: Minimizing is a less extreme form of invalidation and denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as 'You're too sensitive', 'You're exaggerating', or 'You're blowing this out of proportion' all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted. (Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing). Unpredictable Responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional or very angry outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses. This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood. An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly on their guard, frightened, unsettled and off balance. Verbal Assaults: Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth. Witholding: When a man refuses to empathetically listen, validate, or share emotions, he's destroying the core of what sustains an intimate relationship. He's withholding. For a relationship to be truly intimate, it requires mutual and empathetic listening, validation, and sharing of emotions. These acts of sharing listening and validation must be empathetic. Without empathy, you cannot share in your partner's joys or sorrows; therefore have little investment in goodwill towards your mate. At some point, you'll begin to resent 'giving happiness' and begin to await payback. If you feel owed a 'payback' when you give, you'll constantly feel ripped off - your expectations can never be filled. In short, it's your job to make yourself happy, and it's your partner’s job to be happy with you. A couple may not always understand each other and may have times when it's difficult to share feelings, but the intention to empathize is there with expressions of goodwill such as 'Is this what you meant?' or "Help me understand how you feel...or 'It upsets me when you're upset' . . .or 'Your laughter is my favorite sound at the end of a rough day'... (Don't you just want to be happy for your mate to share in it? Such goodwill towards you! That's true intimacy.) Withholding sounds like 'Whatever. You're always upset about something or another'. or 'I'm having a bad day, so I don't want to hear about your promotion', or 'I'm tired of listening to you whine about'... or 'You're soaking up all the glory'... Notice the lack of empathy; for the good stuff and the bad? Countering: Even if it's downright impossible for him to know, he states authoritatively that his partner is unequivocally wrong. Abusers see adversaries, not partners. He must maintain power over her to keep 'his enemy' from getting too close and seeing his vulnerabilities. If she sees things differently, then she's not buying into his authority and superiority. This independent thinking could mean she won't mold to his needs or she may try to assume rights that interfere with his; so he argues against her perspective of life itself. He counters her memory, her thoughts, and her impressions of life. He declares that what she experiences just isn't so; no matter how absurdly the circumstances prove it's impossible, he knows better. Countering maintains power over someone very effectively. He counters to prevent discussion of uncomfortable topics, and then later, counters again by denying that he countered. Partners that live with countering can feel like they have vertigo. Her reality is questioned so frequently, she becomes unsure of her ability to remember or form opinions of anything. Even if she expresses feelings or a subjective opinion of an artwork, he tells her she's wrong. Partners often find themselves explaining that she simply had a different experience than he did. He'll respond by notifying her that both her experience and feelings were wrong. She'll sink into silence, thinking 'he's really angry, so I must be wrong'. He'll counter his partner's opinions, perspective, and emotions; if she says, 'It seems to me that... or 'I feel that'... chances are good, she'll be countered. Discounting: Discounting causes partners to believe something is truly wrong with their basic communication skills. Discounting is an insidious technique utilized by abusers to sustain control. If the partner says 'I was hurt when you said'.. or 'I feel bad when you shout at me'. . . he'll discount her feelings with the message: 'You're feelings and memories are wrong, so they're worthless'. It's all too common for a partner to trust him and come to believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with her sense of reality, humor or perceptions. She may spend hours trying to figure out how it is that she comes across the way he says she does. These discounting statements are meant to avoid taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior, and avoid empathizing with her. If he accepted her pain as real, he'd be a step closer to the reality that he caused it. In his combative mind, this could strip him of his power by making him look bad (like a bully). Examples: You're too sensitive / thin-skinned. You're jumping to conclusions. You can't take a joke. You see everything in the worst possible light. You're making things up in your head or blowing things out of proportion. Your imagination is working overtime. You think you know it all. You take everything wrong. Disguised Jokes: Caustic and penetrating, he jabs at her most sensitive areas, then this mean-spirited abuser is left with a look of triumph. This kind of abuse is completely lacking the lightheartedness of a true joke. It never seems funny because it's not funny; it's just hurtful and stinging. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to her femininity, intellectual abilities, or her competency or deeply held opinions. If she says 'I didn't think that was funny', he may discount her experience by saying angrily, 'You have no sense of humor!' or 'You can't take a joke!' or maybe he'll accuse her of antagonism; 'You're just trying to start an argument' these statements themselves are abusive. It's obvious that the abuser's response does not demonstrate goodwill or an interest in building a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, she is usually not entirely clear what his intentions are. Since the abuser responds with anger, she may believe she 'took it wrong' and that's why he's angry, or (as many partners of abusers do) she may wonder if there is something wrong with her sense of humor. After all, isn't that better than believing he intended to cut you down? Blocking and Diverting: Blocking and diverting specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and withholds information, thereby preventing all possibility of resolving conflicts. Blocking may be accusatory; however, its primary purpose is to prevent discussion, end communication, withhold information, or 'win' an argument. Through diversion the topic is changed, often turning the tables on the partner so she must defend herself, especially on an unrelated topic. None of the abuser's diversions answer the partner's question or concern in a thoughtful and considerate way. The abuser blocks her attempts to gain information or open communications by diverting her from the issue with accusations and irrelevant comments and anger. Often the partner does not remember what the original issue was. Because she has been diverted. Examples of blocking are: You're just trying to have the last word! You think you know it all! You always have to be right! Where did you get a crazy/stupid/weird/dumb idea like..that? No. Stop, before you say another word . . . I shouldn't have to repeat myself! Whatever! (Sarcastically). I don't see where this is going! That's just crap! Quit bitching. Accusing and Blaming: A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship to justify his bad behavior. An accusation in a healthy relationship such as 'You hurt my feelings' would open communications with the intent of understanding and the assurance of receiving empathy, because there is goodwill towards each other. Healthy partners can't tolerate their loved one feeling bad or hurt, and want nothing more than to comfort or heal their pain. Alternatively, the goal of abusive accusations is to blame the partner for his anger, irritation, or insecurity; thereby proving the anger/abuse is justified because she is flawed or wrong. He is not interested in communicating about resolving the issues, he just focuses in on making sure she knows how wrong or bad she is. In this way, he establishes POWER OVER her, and he avoids both intimacy and all possibility of exploring feelings (his own or hers). Abuser: Why is it taking so long to get out of the house? Partner: I think the kids are still searching for their mittens. Abuser angrily: I didn't ask you! Partner: What are you angry about? Abuser with rage: You knew it was a rhetorical question! Judging and Critizing: The verbal abuser judges his partner and then expresses his judgment in a critical way. Again, he's in his own reality, and making his partner Wrong gives him a sense of POWER OVER her. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he's likely expressing his lack of acceptance of her. Most verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone or is disguised as "helpfulness" or "support" when in fact it's refusal to accept her feelings, thoughts, capabilities or talents. Criticism disguised as help or advice is abusive: Wouldn't it have been better to¦ Look what you missed! If you'd have it would have turned out better. This would have been a better way. I wouldn't do it that way if I were you¦ Next time you should. You should have used¦. Comments, which negate the partner's feelings, are abusive. Examples of judgmental criticizing: Statements which begin with 'Your problem is'... or 'The trouble with you is'.. are judgmental, critical, and abusive. Most 'you' statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive. Some abusive judging and criticizing 'you' statements are: You're never satisfied. You're a lousy winner. You're stupid You can't take a joke. You're crazy. How stupid (you are). Critical statements made about you to others are abusive and are often designed to gather allies that will 'take his side'. These are the 'you' statements he uses to establish POWER OVER his partner turned into 'she' statements. Examples: She's afraid of her shadow. She can't keep anything straight. She never sticks to anything. She doesn't know if she's coming or going. She's not very motivated. Critical 'stories' about your mistakes or actual lies about you which embarrass you in front of others are abusive; for example, She's a white-knuckle flier. She sweeps the dirt under the carpet. Every time she goes out to the mall she forgets her wallet. She has a hard time keeping it together. Her life has always been a mess. She'd rather be a couch potato than . . .(do anything positive). Statements which criticize specific words out of context are abusive and intended to make the partner wrong; for example, Liz and Curt are getting ready for a trip. Liz exclaims with anticipation, 'I can't wait to drive up there!' Curt responds curtly, 'You're not driving. I'm driving!' Diana calls into the living room and asks Dean, 'Is the video over?" Dean replies angrily..'It's not a video! It's a dvd!' The partner feels frustrated and finds herself thinking, 'That's not what I meant'. Her meaning IS known by the abuser. He's in his reality, and making his partner wrong gives him a sense of POWER OVER her. This type of abuser is likely to frequently tell his partner she always has to be right, and she'll begin to believe she's pushy or annoying. Trivializing: Trivializing says what you've done or expressed is unimportant or useless. Trivializing can be very calculated and made to sound 'helpful'. The partner is left feeling crestfallen, but isn't quite sure why. When trivializing is done in a candid and sincere tone of voice, it can be virtually undetectable. Often the partner trusts her abuser, so she may listen with an open mind to the abuser's comments and end up feeling perplexed that he doesn't understand her work or her interests. Women who have been trivialized often believe they haven't been able to communicate that certain things are quite important to her. Her abuser trivializes her accomplishments, work, and passions, leaving her wondering "did I not mention that I'm proud of (or I love) that?" She's in her reality, where it's impossible to believe he meant to 'cut her down' so she believes she hasn't explained herself very well. It's confusing, because unless he's deaf and blind, how could he love her and not know her? She's left feeling lonely and misunderstood, and he subtly puffs up from another power victory. 'I spent several weeks sorting thirty years of household paperwork. I categorized everything into color-coded files: Business, Medical, Insurance, Personal, etc. It was time-consuming and tedious. Sporadically I updated Charlie on my progress. Finally, after a many weeks of effort, I was thrilled to be done, "Charlie, I'm done filing! It was quite a job. I opened the file cabinet to show him. He said, 'Wow, impressive job!' Never before had he acknowledged me like that! I grinned proudly and said, 'You think?' He answered 'I'm impressed you got those long names on those itsy bitsy little labels'. I said, 'Oh, Charlie, I used a label maker, that wasn't the hard part'. He looked seriously at me and said, 'Yeah? I think it was'. I felt deflated and frustrated. Why was it was so hard for me to talk to him? Why couldn't I get him to understand the hard work I'd done? He'd made labels before, I'd seen him. How could he think it was harder than weeks of sorting and organizing..?. This verbal abuse primed her for extra hurt. At first she felt as if he was showing appreciation and pleasure in her work, leaving her open and vulnerable to his trivialization of it. First the abuser said he was impressed, then he commented on the smallest thing about it, refusing to acknowledge the effort or the results. Annie described another experience of trivializing: Undermining: Undermining not only withholds emotional support, it erodes confidence and determination. The abuser who undermines his partner by dampening her enthusiasm (or interests) has usually verbally abused her in many other ways. Consequently, her self-esteem and confidence are already low, making her that much more vulnerable to the abuse. Partner: What a gorgeous painting! Abuser: Why? It's just a tree and he colors are all weird. Partner: I'd like to learn how to... Abuser: What's the point? OR: Why bother? OR: I don't see it'll get you anywhere. Sometimes, he's bold enough to use more direct undermining. You wouldn't understand. It's over your head. You'll never finish. What makes you think you're so smart? Undermining implies to the partner that she is inadequate: I said, 'I need to read this before I signing'. Then David got angry and said, 'Well it seems like a simple thing to me!'. David is implying that it's too complex for her, but he'll think for her. SABOTAGING: This is also undermining: (Examples). I was feeling really excited when I told Dean about a letter to the editor I'd like to write. He listened and said, 'Really, I don't know any paper that be interested in printing that'. I sort of lost my enthusiasm. Later, I had an idea for a small business making t-shirts. The day after I'd told Michael about it, he handed me an article he'd found and said, 'This sums it up'. The article described everything I was interested in as faddish, and it described the people who started such crafty endeavors as unoriginal, unrealistic and naive. It felt very strange, and I lost my motivation to do it. Weeks later, I didn't dare remind him of this incident when he told me I was 'unmotivated' and 'lazy'. Courtney had the experience of being asked repeatedly why she did everything so slowly. She began to think something was wrong; and developed anxiety about her intelligence and skill level. It was only with another person's observations that she recognized the source of her anxiety. Sabotage can be executed as a disruption or interruption. For example, the abuser may undermine his partner's conversations by causing a disturbance like sudden uproarious laughter, turning music up loudly, interrupting and finishing her story, demanding attention, opposing or negating her. Threatening: Verbally abusive threats usually involve the threat of loss or pain, and are often targeted directly at the victims deepest held insecurities, much like abusive jokes. Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears. Threatening is usually a tactic used when an abuser senses he isn't 'winning' an argument and wants to put her down quickly. Threatening will never resolve an issue or open communications, obviously, so it's purely an amplified power play to achieve POWER OVER. Examples: (do what I want) or I'll leave you. (agree with me) or I'll go stay with (ex girlfriend) for a while. (quit arguing) or I'll get really angry! Name Calling: Simply put, this is the most overt and obvious verbal abuse there is. All negative name calling is judgmental and abusive. Examples: Bitch! Idiot! Whore and worse. Forgetting: Abusive forgetting is a form of manipulative denial. The abuser bluntly denies the partners reality, and in doing so shuts down any possibility of communication. To her, it feels like a scornful brick wall. We all forget things sometimes; but this is not genuine oblivion; it's denial that an event (interactions, usually) happened at all. These 'forgotten' events usually had great impact on a partner. Victims of abusive anger often try to discuss incidents with their abuser to resolve issues in the hopes of avoiding the same explosion in the future. He will deny it ever happened with an accusatory comment like 'What are you talking about? I don't have to listen to this!' Some abusers consistently 'forget' making the promises which are the most important to their partner, 'forgetting' an agreement to some arrangement that she needed his support to succeed at something; like mailing an important work document when she couldn't. 'I never agreed to that!' or 'I don't know where you got that idea?' Ordering: Abusive ordering is meant to demean a partner and tell her she is neither equal nor autonomous. Asking respectfully for something is the opposite of ordering. Ordering implies that it's her job to be immediately available to fill his wishes. Examples: We're doing this now. You are not going to wear that. We are not discussing it. Clean this up now. Denial: A skilled abuser can use denial to manipulate his partner to the point of total emotional haze. Her reality is questioned so artfully that she becomes wholly convinced she is living in a land of make believe, and this confirms that she is crazy. Examples: I never said that. You're making that up. We never had that conversation. You've got to be crazy. Yet, the partner knows, very clearly; That he did say that.; She's made nothing up.; That we did have that conversation.; She's not crazy. Abusive Anger: MEN ARE NOT ABUSIVE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGER, THEY HAVE CHRONIC ANGER BECAUSE THEY ARE ABUSIVE. This is so misunderstood that abuse is not about anger. Focusing on 'anger management', never achieves any real change. Individuality offends an abusers arrogant sense of certainty about everything, and their bloated sense of entitlement demands such unrealistic expectations of course they're going to feel anger. They believe they are owed so much they just never get from the women whose spirits they've crushed with their need to have power over. Without changing their core attitudes, they will always be angry. Abusive anger is a tactic used purely for intimidation and control. He can control it if it makes him look bad, like in front of a cop or his boss, but when his partner complains that his cursing/yelling/pounding is upsetting, he'll claim he can't control himself. What he's really saying is that he's given himself permission to attack because he's being denied something he feels he is entitled to, like his undisputed right to expect her to do everything to cater to him. You have to ask yourself:.. Why waste your time on someone who even if he never actually hits you...will tie up your irreplaceable time keeping you from finding a person who CAN meet your needs. Do you really want to be with a person who ignores your thoughts and feelings? Do you really want to be with a person who you can't communicate with? Who is constantly calling your every move into question? REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME What's happened in your relationship is NOT your fault. All the things your partner has blamed you for are not your fault. All the things he has done, that you might have blamed yourself for are not your fault. Now it may be a big step for you to believe this right now. But just think about it for a moment. Did you deliberately set out to mess up in your relationship and in your life? Did you really go into your relationship to make yourself feel as bad and as wretched and as worthless as possible? Of course you didn't. You gave it your best, over and over again. You did everything you possibly could to make it work. How much did/does your partner REALLY do to make it work? Apart from telling you that it was all your fault? Its not like you really knew what an abusive person was like in an intimate relationship? or what that abusive behaviour involved?..Until it was too late..and until it really started? Its not like you wanted things to ever be that bad? Its time to stop blaming yourself for what happened/happens in the relationship. It is absolutely NOT your fault. Time, instead to start honouring all the courage and loyalty strength and commitment you've shown. Just imagine the results if you start to harness those strengths for your own use. Its very hard to realise that all this is not 'love'..and to have to find thats not what you got..and to realise that the only real soloution, is that you will have to walk away... Posted on 02/02/09, 05:02 pm