discovering new things about myself

as I've mentioned in a previous post, I've been trying to deal with symtoms of PTSD that I have merely been coping with and as a result I have discovered some things that I had nevr realized. I never realized the extent of the damage done to my mind. I have always thought that it "wasn't that bad" because I was able to get through my daily life passing as a "normal" person or someone who does not deal with PTSD but I realize now that, that isn't true. I deal with the effects every day and while they don't present themselves in a manner that is too noticable to people, people have noticed in the past, more than I have. they just did not know that it was a symptom of my PTSD. My abusers have changed the way I think to the point I realized I have lost my freedom of thought. I am incapable of certain things that should be within my power, years of gaslighting me have rendered me without the ability to free myself of guilt whether or not I deserve to feel it. Other realizations I will document as I discover them but for now I think I will try to discern what is real and what is not in terms of fault and resposiblity and what is gasllighting me versus just trying to hold me accountable because as of right now I do not know the difference.