discouraged and sad
Hello everyone, I havent posted in a very long time. My H has a porn addiction, that gravitated(or escalated to "underage" pornography. I confronted him about it in july 2011. I have a 17 year old daughter(15 at that time), and I am a surviver of early childhood sexual abuse(bother-who died this past feb).
I initially asked for a separation and my H said no. He would never leave. We separated in the home, and started counseling. He and I are both active in AA, so he understands what it takes to recover from an addiction, and he knows what it means to "have to want it". He did SAA and SLAA, and seemed sober. He had at least 2 relapses, and eventually did intensive outpatient when I (and our therapist) pushed him. Our therapist attempted to get him to do a sex history, which he felt was crucial to getting to the issues of the sex addiction and possible paraphelias/fetishes.
He has also had life long impotence that I patiently put up with becuase I loved him, and he is actually a generous lover. My H did a piss poor sex history and never really completed it. We stopped therapy last august 2012 because of insurance reasons. My spying program terminated, and I let things get "back to normal". We had so many other things going on, including his new job(another huge issue in our marriage with his unemplyment 1/2 the time) and our almost losing the home to foreclosure.
So last sept to this past august, almost a year, I trusted him..and although I was discouraged about the fact that he almost lost our home for failure to keep up mortgage payments(unknown to me), and I had to step in and get our mortgage modification(yeah--done) I decided to reinvest in our marriage-financially and emotionally, and decided to trust in him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt-I blamed myself for being too hard on him.. he now has been working fulltime for over a year..so no more "boredom" that caused the porn watching-- no more "low self esteem" that caused the porn progression...
That feeling of suspicion came upon me in early september, so real, so strong.. 2 mnths ago-- I felt something was off--I renewed the spyware-- webwatcher-- very difficult to install with all his security of his laptop-- and low and behold-- he's at it again. Every single morning for one hour, he looks at "porn" on youtube. It is not the extreme that it was 2 years ago, but its the same images. Young, thin, "natural" perfect girls/woman. They look nothing like me, although I thought he found me very attractive, ALL these images are the same. like pretty young teens. I am hurt, disgusted in a way that is almost worse than the first time. I feel there are no more excuses.
He looked me straight in the eye yesterday UNSOLICITED. he just offered that he is not acting out-- not looking at porn, and "although he is tempted, he knows where it will lead him, and doesnt want to go down that road again. ".. the very next morning,like every morning, he looked at it again for an hour. My beautiful daughter and her friends dressed up for halloween, kind of sexy like the 17 year old girls do--My H never directly looks at the girls--He will look out of the "corner" of his eye. Next morning? My H looked at young naked girls that looked JUST like her two friends.. I wanted to throw up.
My previous husband,whom I divorced, was a cocaine addict.
I feel like I am re living this again. The same wanting to get him help. .believeing he was clean.. only to find I had been lied to all along. Its a nightmare, and I'm starting to believe I am causing some of this, Not only in who I attract, but how I enable these men in the addictions...or I am not giving them what they need emotionally.. I'm not a good wife,not a good partner. Feeling right now like I will never know love--seriously..thats not self pity--Its the truth.
I am 13 years sober from alcohol and thought this would be a new better life, but right now--it sucks. I married him because I thought he knew recovery,sobriety, humility,honesty and ethics, and he could be trusted... I've known nothing but deception in my love life.
Its 2am, and I'm feeling that I have to disclose this to my H tomorrow . I have to tell him I am done. This just hurts too much.
I initially asked for a separation and my H said no. He would never leave. We separated in the home, and started counseling. He and I are both active in AA, so he understands what it takes to recover from an addiction, and he knows what it means to "have to want it". He did SAA and SLAA, and seemed sober. He had at least 2 relapses, and eventually did intensive outpatient when I (and our therapist) pushed him. Our therapist attempted to get him to do a sex history, which he felt was crucial to getting to the issues of the sex addiction and possible paraphelias/fetishes.
He has also had life long impotence that I patiently put up with becuase I loved him, and he is actually a generous lover. My H did a piss poor sex history and never really completed it. We stopped therapy last august 2012 because of insurance reasons. My spying program terminated, and I let things get "back to normal". We had so many other things going on, including his new job(another huge issue in our marriage with his unemplyment 1/2 the time) and our almost losing the home to foreclosure.
So last sept to this past august, almost a year, I trusted him..and although I was discouraged about the fact that he almost lost our home for failure to keep up mortgage payments(unknown to me), and I had to step in and get our mortgage modification(yeah--done) I decided to reinvest in our marriage-financially and emotionally, and decided to trust in him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt-I blamed myself for being too hard on him.. he now has been working fulltime for over a year..so no more "boredom" that caused the porn watching-- no more "low self esteem" that caused the porn progression...
That feeling of suspicion came upon me in early september, so real, so strong.. 2 mnths ago-- I felt something was off--I renewed the spyware-- webwatcher-- very difficult to install with all his security of his laptop-- and low and behold-- he's at it again. Every single morning for one hour, he looks at "porn" on youtube. It is not the extreme that it was 2 years ago, but its the same images. Young, thin, "natural" perfect girls/woman. They look nothing like me, although I thought he found me very attractive, ALL these images are the same. like pretty young teens. I am hurt, disgusted in a way that is almost worse than the first time. I feel there are no more excuses.
He looked me straight in the eye yesterday UNSOLICITED. he just offered that he is not acting out-- not looking at porn, and "although he is tempted, he knows where it will lead him, and doesnt want to go down that road again. ".. the very next morning,like every morning, he looked at it again for an hour. My beautiful daughter and her friends dressed up for halloween, kind of sexy like the 17 year old girls do--My H never directly looks at the girls--He will look out of the "corner" of his eye. Next morning? My H looked at young naked girls that looked JUST like her two friends.. I wanted to throw up.
My previous husband,whom I divorced, was a cocaine addict.
I feel like I am re living this again. The same wanting to get him help. .believeing he was clean.. only to find I had been lied to all along. Its a nightmare, and I'm starting to believe I am causing some of this, Not only in who I attract, but how I enable these men in the addictions...or I am not giving them what they need emotionally.. I'm not a good wife,not a good partner. Feeling right now like I will never know love--seriously..thats not self pity--Its the truth.
I am 13 years sober from alcohol and thought this would be a new better life, but right now--it sucks. I married him because I thought he knew recovery,sobriety, humility,honesty and ethics, and he could be trusted... I've known nothing but deception in my love life.
Its 2am, and I'm feeling that I have to disclose this to my H tomorrow . I have to tell him I am done. This just hurts too much.
Replies
been there done all of the above. it\'s not you...HE is an addict and he is practicing HIS addiction...your move. you can dance this dance until it literally makes you sick. i did. i wish someone had shouted out loud...IT\'S NOT YOUR FAULT and YOU DON\'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! so sorry that you are going through this. it hurts like hell. just wanted you to know that you are not alone. set yourself free.
thank you so much bluemoon29!! I really feel so alone here and your message helps so very much. Even with recovery experience, this is a twisted,painful rollarcoaster! No one has all the answers..I guess I just have to try and be true to myself and my children... and make some kind of move..cant stay like this !! THANK YOU!!!
I have allowed myself to coast in a state of denial--self loathing--little to no sex--why didn\'t I take your advice above bluemoon29? I was ready to leave-have him leave about 18 mnths ago when his dad died-since then its just been--I don\'t know what to even call it-- floating in a state of co dependence-he fell apart after dad died--I was too compassionate to still leave him, and lets face it--I am a coward--sitting here in disbelief that I am still with him==I don\'t spy-have no idea what he is doing, but history has shown me, he is an active porn addict--maybe gone further--I don\'t even know or care--HELP!!!