Disconnected

“don't let them in, then it won't hurt as much when you have to let them go.”

Last year I realised my friends couldn't care less, always teasing me because I was different. I learnt to keep my mouth shut so no one would judge me. I felt really lonely even though I was surrounded by the largest group of friends (all absolute bitches) and i accepted this: I would rather have no friends, then a million people who don't understand, care, or support me.I move schools every two years.. I always end up pulling my way away from the new friends I make , because I know I'm gonna have to leave them at some point. I try not to get too close to people cause it hurts so bad knowing at some point, your’e gonna have to let them go. I went through a few years not even bothering to make friends.  But then I moved schools.. I'm a hell of allot shyer than I was, now.. I have low self esteem and extreme vulnerability, I feel useless. And  I've tried to put myself out there. i’ts tough and  sometimes it doesn't feel like it’s worth the effort… I just have to try and find the right people, who accept me for who I am. But soon the friendships I make now do not matter, its all about my future path. But it's the people you associate with that are gonna help you get there, i keep telling myself:  Be brave. I have changed myself (learnt to keep my mouth shut so as not to be judged) and I get along well with everyone and everyone seems to like me at this new school but at the same time… I feel like i'm invisible. Im just “there” but not existing.