Discombobulated...

OK, this may not be an earth shaker in your world, but may I say, it has my world on end.  How, pray, does one deal with the fact you are not who you've always thought you were?
Good question, eh?  I am not who I thought I was.  It is as world turning as if I found out I was adopted, or that I was kidnapped and really someone else, etc. That's what I find myself grappling with.
Now, what, you wonder, is so earth shaking?  I'm Jewish.  Yes, Jewish and never had a blasted clue.  Here I am trying to hold off 50, which is a bear in itself, but now this Jewish thing?  
I'm sad, hurt, happy, confused, lost, amazed, and just not sure who I am any longer. I mean, I always had thought Irish mostly with a pinch of flat Dutch & English on the side.  But, after the umpteenth time of being asked why was my dad so dark and was he Spanish or Italian, I couldn't take it any more.
Oh, over the years there'd been rumors of Cherokee Indian (main story) and Black. Both of those never really got me, and couldn't have cared either way.  But, then there came the rumor of Irish.  Again, not a shocker.  BUT JEWISH?
Do not misunderstand. I am in no way a bigot or prejudice to any race/ethnicity, I just never dreamed Jewish.
It all started when I confronted my aunt and she said her mom's people were very dark, so much so it scared her as a child, as she'd never seen any dark skinned, black eyed, black haired people.  Her grandfather only hinted when he said his people were from the far east.  I freaked as when I hear far east I think terrorist! She then let it slip, no, look at your daddy's nose.  He has a Jew's nose.
So, the search began.  I contacted a dear friend I knew was Jewish and her kindness put me on the right trail.  Sure enough, we are Jewish on both my dad's & mother's sides.  Mom's side is Irish/Jewish, dad's mostly Jewish.  
This so explains my great-grandmother on my mom's side was being passed as "Cherokee Indian" as well as my dad's side be passed as "Cherokee Indian".  
I discovered that due to antisemitism and the Nazi's that many Jews hid the fact of their heritage.  Understandable.  Who wants a target on their backs?
I just am lost.  I don't know how to factor in this Jewish thing when I always believed I was Irish.  Not that Jewish is bad, it's just not who I thought I was.  It's like loosing one's identity and needing to readjust to who you really are.
Since I am a Christian, I now see the Old Testament not just as God's holy word, but the story of my people...Jews.  I have always detested the Holocaust, but now I know after research, some of my family members were there and murdered.  I now know that my ancestors are listed in the data base for some of the first poor Jewish to come to America.  I wonder which side of Jesus my ancestors may have stood...for Him or yelling crucify Him?  My only peace there is that Jesus said "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."  I pray my ancestors were His followers, but data bases don't go back that far.
Jewish...so many images, so much pain, so much injustice.  Now, where before I heard,  "You are so tight, you squeak when you walk." or "You squeeze a penny so tight, Lincoln's head pops off." I hear, "No wonder you're so tight, you're a Jew." That hurts.  I know that they say it in jest and not with malice, but still, it hurts.
I'm "tight" because as a coal miner's wife you had to watch every penny and make it count because the very real threat of a strike or lay off with no money coming in had to constantly be prepared for and money saved so you didn't starve until the next job started!  It's called being responsible, conservative and not wasteful!!!!!
So, as I try to assimilate to my new identity, my new heritage, I'm discombobulated to say the least.  
I wish my dad were still alive so we could talk. I don't think he knew for sure but wonder as he was always vague and would side step my questions of where his family came from.  I wonder if his mother knew? She had to have, right?  But there again, during those times, who would dare admit Jewish?  
To be Jewish or Irish, you didn't get jobs back during the Depression.  Both groups were segregated to their own little ghettos, as it were.
What a mess!  I want so to know my Jewish traditions, to know how to speak, read, understand Hebrew.  I am left wondering, did my family (great grandparents know these things?).  
Not that I am seeking Judaism as a religion, I am a Christian.  Well, I suppose technically a Messianic Jew, right?
Here's a real giggle my dad was a Reverend and so am I.  Ordained Jews!  I'm sorry but that is just too ironically hysterical! ROFLOL  I wonder if dad's denomination would have known if they would have ordained him? ROFLOL  That's just too ironic!
Well, this is what happens when you dig up family trees...you never know where the roots will go.  I've quit looking now. I just was sick of always getting asked if daddy was Italian or Spanish and having no answer.  Now, I know.....Jew.
So, I shall stumble on, as all things are in God's hands and I am sure, at some point, I will understand why it was I who found out the truth that had be hidden for 2 generations.  
Take care, my peeps.  Know as always, I send you love, hugs, and peace.  Oh, and must I not forget now....Shalom. LOL