Digesting

I am still wading through the myriad of details that make up a real estate purchase, and continue to survey the market for other options while I give this deal every opportunity to fail before I commit. Can you tell I don't feel emotionally invested in this piece of the whole? A building is just a building. Buildings hold my things far more than they hold my life. Musuem keeping is only slightly higher on my wish list than playing doctor. Any idea how much dusting and maintenence goes into preserving those antiques? I'll take it as a job, but I remain unwilling to commit. I would like a place to set up my long dreamed of lab, but. . . It's *just* a preference. I take my preferences when I can get them, but I don't worship them. I take pride in my make-do artistry. I works with what's available.

The change in family dynamics is the harder piece for me. Throughout this entire sojourn, from March to present, I have been haunted by a recurring image of my grandson reaching and crying piteously for me as he is shuffled through the parental drama, up to and including the ongoing investigation with Child Protective Services. The image has surprised me every time, but it doesnae feel random. My granddaughter is still too young for the strength of bond I share with her brother, but worries for her ride with every round of the recurring image. I've been studying ignorance of the details in the name of MYOB, but. . . I am too familiar with both the family dynamics and the CPS process to be as ignorant as I would prefer. I even feel pretty confident I could "fix" it with fair ease by resuming my duties on the not-so-merry-go-round. 'Taint my first go-round.

Establishing a base camp here in the confluence region feels like a pretty solid commitment to changing that family cycle, even if it means losing my relationships with my grandchildren, sons and wives. At least. . . that's my prayer, despite all the doubts attached. I have fair confidence I can "fix" the current family drama because it is a cycle I have lived with for over half a century. Yes, adding my husband's family dysfunctions to my own created a new set, but. . . Isn't that part of the cycle, as well? We are "far better than most" on the "it could be worse" scale. Still. . . It feels considerable shy of our potential.

chewing. . .