Difficult Days
As the time goes by I am starting to miss my husband more and more. I love him and I cannot get through this pain and it seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I don't know if I am starting to go into a depression but I cannot seem to enjoy anything. I try my best for people not to realize how I am feeling because I don't want them to know how much I am suffering. Whenever they ask me how I am doing I always say fine thank you. I smile and try to carry a conversation but in reality I just want to cry and disappear where no one can reach me. I spend a lot of time at the gravesite and no one seems to understand why I keep going twice a day. They say that my husband is not there because his spirit is always with me. I tell them that it was the last place where I saw my husband and to he is there because that is where I left him. I talk to him there and I lie on top of his grave and cry my eyes out. I pray with him and tell him what is happening and how much I love him. I can lie there for hours especially on the weekends. I don't care if the sun is on and if I am hot because the pain that I feel is beyond physical pain. I miss him and I cannot get through this pain. My tears keep coming anytime and anywhere. I have a hard time sleeping. I seem to only be getting 3 hours of sleep no matter what time I go to bed. I have only dreamt him once and I keep asking him to come more often in my dreams. I don't know what to do and it just driving me carzy. It is the most painful thing that has ever happen to me and I don't think that I will be able to survive this pain. I look at my kids and wonder what they are thinking and how can I help them but it is so hard because I need help myself. I cry taking a shower so that they don't hear me crying. On my way to work when I am alone I cry and talk aloud to my husband. I ask him to give me strenght because I don't have it and I ask him to please guide me throughout this painful journey. I get angry because he left me but at the same time I know it was not his choice and he had to leave because his time was up. I know that he is in a better place but I still cannot accept his death. I feel so lonely and desperate because I don't have him here with me. Life is not fair and I feel like I am coming to the end of mine. I wonder how long I can be without him before I go insane. I try my best to continue but I cannot. I am sorry that I am rambling but I am so confused, hurt, in pain and lost. I feel like my whole world has come crashing down and I keep grasping for something to hold on and it keeps slipping away. How can I continue this miserable life without my husband? I feel like a ship with on destination and lost at sea with nothing in sight. What can I do to stop feeling this way? God help me. I need desperate help because I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper. I love him so much that it get harder and harder as the time goes by. I am constantly crying and feeling lost. My family is trying to reach me but cannot because I don't want to hear them tell me what I should do or not to do. I want them around but at the same time want to be left alone honestly I don't know what I want or rather I do and that is to have my husband back which is impossible. How can I get one last chance to tell him I love him, hold him and never let go. How can I reach him? Please can someone tell me where to go to see him for one last time. Why did God punish me this way? God is suppose to be good why I don't feel this way about him right now? Why am I losing my faith when I thought that I was getting some of it back? A piece of me is dying every minute. I am just having a horrible day. Hope tomorrow is better
Replies
Hi we\'ve become friends recently. I am on week 3 since my beautiful Marti left me, but you know what? There is something around me, not necessarily in me that is saying celebrate her life. Grieve and grieve openly. Cry in front of everyone and tell them what a tremendous person he was. It will make you smile. No one can ever take his loving heart away from you, but don\'t despair, he is about, believe me I know this.
While I have had no signs or no dreams about her, mt children have, her sisters have and those are the most fragile people. Marti will take care of me when her work is done with her beloved children.
Just look at the situation as if it were reversed. Would you look down and want him to behorrible if you left. I know you wouldn\'t and you would somehow, some way make him smile. fell him, you will, and it;ll be ok although never fine. Your friend in grief, Kip.
Oh sweet Linda...we are starting to sound alike...you and I! :) I\'m so sorry! Sounds like you\'re having the day today, that I had yesterday? Well, let me give you a good piece of advice that a really pretty, smart, loving, kind lady (you) gave me yesterday when I was so low...Lean on your faith. God loves you and I do too! ;) Remember that you are not alone! Sending you loving thoughts and giant Texas-sized hugs! Jenny
Linda my heart aches for you. I was there almost 20 months ago. The first 2 months for me were exactly as you are describing. I finally at the end of the 2nd month got into some grief counseling. I wasn\'t sure in the beginning it was working but looking back I can see how it has benefited me greatly. The very intense pain that you are experiencing right now and that I did over a year ago does get easier. I never thought it would. I know it doesn\'t seem like its possible. I believe that your husband is with you and your family. I have sensed my husband many times as have our daughter and son. I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk too. Sending you many Hugs.
Denise
Linda, I see myself in you...going around looking and sounding fine, when inside I am dying and I just can\'t understand what happened and why...I will NEVER understand why he was taken from me and what in the world am I supposed to do now. It seems very hopeless. I always think, what would Rick want me to do...and I know what the answer is. Take care of the kids and live life...it will take time. I have to pull myself together, yes without sleep just like you and take care of business. I did have a sign for sure, but only one dream. And I pray every day to have him at least in my dreams.
Linda, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Not too long ago I was feeling this way. I felt like the crying would never end and my heart would never heal. My prayer for you is that God will give you comfort and strength to take one day at a time. Lean on Him. I know you must be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I hope you are able to sleep soon. Hugs and prayers. Debi
Hi Linda, I am so sorry you are having a rough day. When Robert passed away at first I was thinking not good thought and I did not see how I could ever smile or be happy again. I am able to smile. I still have sad times. I started to think My Robert would not want me to feel so sad. I know he wouldn\'t. God needed your husband with him. There is a reason there is a plan. We don\'t know it, but try to hold on to your faith.I pray that you will be able to see the light at the end of the dark gloomy tunnel. I pray that you will have restful sleepfilled nights soon, and I pray for you to have nuch peace and contentment.My prayers are all with you and my heart goes out to you. I hope you are doing better real soon, Many hugs to you my friend Linda. Christine
Linda - this is about you - please don\'t think that what other people are saying, is how you should feel. I know the pain you\'re going through - I\'ve so been there. Whatever you\'re feeling is necessary for you - the emotions running through you are intense right now, but know they\'re ok - you\'re not going crazy. Please keep right on posting - we\'re here to hold you. Hugs, Marsha
Linda, I am only a little past 4 months without my wonderful husband. I felt and still feel so much of what you wrote. I can\'t understand how this world can go on around me when my world seems to have slipped through my hands. We had so many plans, so much we wanted to do together. Like you, without my dear husband, I feel at loose ends. Nothing seems to really matter much and definitely not as much as it did before.
Let yourself be sad, let yourself cry and be angry when you want to. You don\'t have to explain to another soul how or why. Until someone walks in our shoes, they don\'t have a clue, much as they mean well and love us. I didnot want to hear people tell me \"scott wouldn\'t want you to be sad\" or \"scott would want you to go on\". Really? We loved each other so very much, we didnot want each other to ever be sad, but, I do think he\'d understand I am grieving the most horrific loss of my life and I won\'t be \"getting on with my life\" or \"moving on\" until I am ready. Whenever that is! We all have to find our way in this upside down new world we find ourselves in.
Be gentle with yourself. The best advice given me came from someone here: just wake up and breath. That in itself is an accomplishment.
hugs from your new friend,
Susan