Difficult Days

As the time goes by I am starting to miss my husband more and more.  I love him and I cannot get through this pain and it seems to be getting bigger and bigger.  I don't know if I am starting to go into a depression but I cannot seem to enjoy anything.  I try my best for people not to realize how I am feeling because I don't want them to know how much I am suffering.  Whenever they ask me how I am doing I always say fine thank you.  I smile and try to carry a conversation but in reality I just want to cry and disappear where no one can reach me.  I spend a lot of time at the gravesite and no one seems to understand why I keep going twice a day.  They say that my husband is not there because his spirit is always with me.  I tell them that it was the last place where I saw my husband and to he is there because that is where I left him.  I talk to him there and I lie on top of his grave and cry my eyes out.  I pray with him and tell him what is happening and how much I love him.  I can lie there for hours especially on the weekends.  I don't care if the sun is on and if I am hot because the pain that I feel is beyond physical pain.  I miss him and I cannot get through this pain.  My tears keep coming anytime and anywhere.  I have a hard time sleeping.  I seem to only be getting 3 hours of sleep no matter what time I go to bed.  I have only dreamt him once and I keep asking him to come more often in my dreams.  I don't know what to do and it just driving me carzy.  It is the most painful thing that has ever happen to me and I don't think that I will be able to survive this pain.  I look at my kids and wonder what they are thinking and how can I help them but it is so hard because I need help myself.  I cry taking a shower so that they don't hear me crying.   On my way to work when I am alone I cry and talk aloud to my husband.  I ask him to give me strenght because I don't have it and I ask him to please guide me throughout this painful journey.  I get angry because he left me but at the same time I know it was not his choice and he had to leave because his time was up.  I know that he is in a better place but I still cannot accept his death.  I  feel so lonely and desperate because I don't have him here with me.  Life is not fair and I feel like I am coming to the end of mine.  I wonder how long I can be without him before I go insane.  I try my best to continue but I cannot.  I am sorry that I am rambling but I am so confused, hurt, in pain and lost.  I feel like my whole world has come crashing down and I keep grasping for something to hold on and it keeps slipping away.  How can I continue this miserable life without my husband?  I feel like a ship with on destination and lost at sea with nothing in sight.  What can I do to stop feeling this way?  God help me.  I need desperate help because I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper.  I love him so much that it get harder and harder as the time goes by.  I am constantly crying and feeling lost.  My family is trying to reach me but cannot because I don't want to hear them tell me what I should do or not to do.  I want them around but at the same time want to be left alone honestly I don't know what I want or rather I do and that is to have my husband back which is impossible.  How can I get one last chance to tell him I love him, hold him and never let go.  How can I reach him?  Please can someone tell me where to go to see him for one last time.  Why did God punish me this way?  God is suppose to be good why I don't feel this way about him right now?  Why am I losing my faith when I thought that I was getting some of it back?  A piece of me is dying every minute.  I am just having a horrible day.  Hope tomorrow is better