Difficulty
This is a difficult entry to write. Again, it involves my son & his anger. This time is how it is impacting my daughter. It's one thing if I am only managing my relationship with him and my dealings with him. But as a mother, I have a duty to help my daughter feel safe.
He hasn't done anything to her, I'm certain. But his outbursts of rage toward me & DH scare her & she feels very unsafe. Yesterday, he had an outburst over something kind of stupid. He was lifting a pizza box & the pizza was sliding out onto the table. DH was holding back the pizza & told DS to put down his end of the box (so the pizza wouldn't slide out). DS wouldn't so DH raised his voice & told him to put it down. Then DS starts in with the swearing, raging & hitting at me (I'm OK though).
DH left the room to eat, DD held back tears & choked down her food, and I ate quietly (he is not going to stop me from eating). DS just sat there, steaming. But at least the rage was curtailed.
So after dinner, I took DD to Girl Scouts. While there, she composed a letter to me (which I was to open after she went to bed). Basically, she told me how she felt scared & unsafe & how, when DS was raging, he became a "monster" & she felt that no amount of my words or taking away privileges did not help. She said she wants us to take him to a therapist or put him in a mental hospital.
First thing: I really think DH should see this letter (she said I could show him), mainly to see the impact of DS's anger on her. DH has always kind of stuck his head in the sand as far as DS's anger goes, saying it's "normal" & "that's how boys are", etc.
Second: I know that DS is not at a "mental hospital" level. He has serious anger issues, yes. But after being thoroughly analyzed at the center a couple years ago, they did not see that he was emotionally disturbed. And most of the time he is completely functional & even nice at times (more than he had been in the past).
Third: the therapist route. As I've written before, we've tried that route. It did nothing. DS just sat there & I don't think he delved into his issues at all. As we all know, a person will not get help if they do not see anything is wrong. And he does not think there's anything wrong with him.
On the other hand:
1 - this does not mean that DD (or any of us) can't remove ourselves from the room when he rages. Sometimes this triggers him even more--sometimes. However, he's not a "chaser", so this is an option.
2 - we are not to do anything to make the situation worse, i.e. hit back if he hits. It will only escalate things.
3 - just because the therapist route has not worked before doesn't mean that we can't nudge him in the direction of wanting to get help. He has to want the help in order for it to be effective. We can make it clear to him that his anger alienates him from us & others. My daughter said talk doesn't work with him (at least during a rage), but I feel a warning must be given: unbridled rage can cause loss of friends, jobs, spouses, places to live, etc & can lead to a police record. None of these are good things.
This school year, he will be graduating (barring any issues) and turning 18. He will be an adult. This changes the entire "lay of the land." I will no longer be accountable for his actions. If they get out of control, I will have the right to remove him from the home & treat him as I would treat any other threatening adult. If I were him, I would be taking steps now to get his anger under control so that this will not happen.
Meanwhile, I need to address my daughter's fears. I'll basically tell her what I've said above. If there's one thing I've learned in the past 2 years is that we have no control how others are; but we do have control over our actions & reactions, and this is what can save us. That is something I need to teach her.
He hasn't done anything to her, I'm certain. But his outbursts of rage toward me & DH scare her & she feels very unsafe. Yesterday, he had an outburst over something kind of stupid. He was lifting a pizza box & the pizza was sliding out onto the table. DH was holding back the pizza & told DS to put down his end of the box (so the pizza wouldn't slide out). DS wouldn't so DH raised his voice & told him to put it down. Then DS starts in with the swearing, raging & hitting at me (I'm OK though).
DH left the room to eat, DD held back tears & choked down her food, and I ate quietly (he is not going to stop me from eating). DS just sat there, steaming. But at least the rage was curtailed.
So after dinner, I took DD to Girl Scouts. While there, she composed a letter to me (which I was to open after she went to bed). Basically, she told me how she felt scared & unsafe & how, when DS was raging, he became a "monster" & she felt that no amount of my words or taking away privileges did not help. She said she wants us to take him to a therapist or put him in a mental hospital.
First thing: I really think DH should see this letter (she said I could show him), mainly to see the impact of DS's anger on her. DH has always kind of stuck his head in the sand as far as DS's anger goes, saying it's "normal" & "that's how boys are", etc.
Second: I know that DS is not at a "mental hospital" level. He has serious anger issues, yes. But after being thoroughly analyzed at the center a couple years ago, they did not see that he was emotionally disturbed. And most of the time he is completely functional & even nice at times (more than he had been in the past).
Third: the therapist route. As I've written before, we've tried that route. It did nothing. DS just sat there & I don't think he delved into his issues at all. As we all know, a person will not get help if they do not see anything is wrong. And he does not think there's anything wrong with him.
On the other hand:
1 - this does not mean that DD (or any of us) can't remove ourselves from the room when he rages. Sometimes this triggers him even more--sometimes. However, he's not a "chaser", so this is an option.
2 - we are not to do anything to make the situation worse, i.e. hit back if he hits. It will only escalate things.
3 - just because the therapist route has not worked before doesn't mean that we can't nudge him in the direction of wanting to get help. He has to want the help in order for it to be effective. We can make it clear to him that his anger alienates him from us & others. My daughter said talk doesn't work with him (at least during a rage), but I feel a warning must be given: unbridled rage can cause loss of friends, jobs, spouses, places to live, etc & can lead to a police record. None of these are good things.
This school year, he will be graduating (barring any issues) and turning 18. He will be an adult. This changes the entire "lay of the land." I will no longer be accountable for his actions. If they get out of control, I will have the right to remove him from the home & treat him as I would treat any other threatening adult. If I were him, I would be taking steps now to get his anger under control so that this will not happen.
Meanwhile, I need to address my daughter's fears. I'll basically tell her what I've said above. If there's one thing I've learned in the past 2 years is that we have no control how others are; but we do have control over our actions & reactions, and this is what can save us. That is something I need to teach her.
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