Different type of pain

I am sitting here and I am in pain like always. I have learned to live with my back because I have to. I am not going to have the spinal fusion until I have to because that is a year of my life I can't get back while I am healing plus they have told me that they can't be sure if it would work anyway. I am so tired of the pain and not the physical pain either but the emotional pain to. Nothing appeals to me anymore. I would rather be a couch potato then do anything. I think what is on my mind is the 9th anniversary of mom's death is coming up and I am thinking about her more and more. I keep on thinking about what she is missing in all our lives. She was the queen of our house and she always loved us no matter what. She was the mother to my son that I couldn't be and I love her so much for that even though she is gone. She was my best friend and I miss her so much. People tell me all the rim that I should be over mom and I am not not by along shot.There is so much she will miss and I am sad about that. She didn't see Michael graduate high school and she wont see hi marry and have kids of his own. I miss her!                    I can't explain to people how I feel sometimes because my emotions are all over the map. One day is good and I can be up and doing thins and the other I will be so sad I can't  see straight. I wish I could have normal emotions like everyone else does.