Didnt Quite Make It This Time Either And Called My Son

I came in and sat down.  She saw the bag I was carrying and asked me if it was extra clothes.  Usually she doesn’t ask me.  Maybe she knew I already had extra clothes there.  Who knows?  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I told her.  She looked a little confused but said OK.  I told her I’m excited about something but I didn’t want to tell her yet because I wanted to go walking.  She said, “Good.  I like exciting things.”    I went on to tell her when I do these I start out as a 5 on a scale of 0 – 10.  No way could I be a 1,2,3 or 4.  Just the anxiety of it puts me at a 5 – but that’s OK because it’s not a 10.  She understood, “Sure.”  But it happens so quickly that I go up to a 10.  Her talking is great.  I don’t know if my mind drifts off or I’m realizing what I’m doing.  I’m not sure what happens at this point.  Kind of like which came first the chicken or the egg.  When I get that panicky feeling do I need to go that badly or do I get scared and then I need to go that badly.  I just can’t tell.  And at that point I’d like to go past that.  A minute or two is great – that’s all.  My goal would be much more but just that is OK for now.  I think I told her I’d let her know when I get that feeling.  She said she believes that I have more of a capacity.  She asked me if I thought so, too.  Yes.  She said to tell myself, at that point, that my body can do it.  It’s capable of holding more.  “OK,” I nodded.  So we set off to go.  She motioned to the bag next to me asking if I wanted to bring my clothes.  “No, the ones in there,” I said pointing to her drawer.  She must think I’m nuts.  I just couldn’t tell her.  I did bring extra, extra clothes but on the way in I had an accident and had to change to those.  I couldn’t tell her that.  Well … I could of but I didn’t.  I just felt too embarrassed and I didn’t want to answer questions about it.  I just wanted to ignore it and forget it happened.  She got the bag out and started to hand it to me.  I asked her to hold it.  She did.  We saw the guy in the waiting room whom wasn’t there earlier.  I asked him about his brother.  Terminal.  I told him I’m sorry while we were walking out.  She said she bets he’s glad I have his support and asked me if I know his brother.  No.  She said she just assumes everyone knows each other.  No but he lives in the same city as my cousins do.  She said maybe they know each other.  I doubt it – it’s a big city.    So we went outside.  She asked me if she should just talk or do I want to.  Do I want to tell her the exciting news?  No, I will when we get back - she should talk.  So she said how the weather now is the best weather ever we’ve been having.  So beautiful and low humidity’s – good to do outdoor things.  She said she’s going to see her son in the college town this weekend.  I thought there wasn’t a football game but she said there is.  They don’t like to go then and said the games are boring.    I told her I’m going to my reunion in a few weeks and one is a football game.  We won’t go to that but will the other.  She asked me what high school because she was confused where I graduated.  I couldn’t explain right then because I needed to go to the bathroom so badly but later, upstairs, I told her.  And, I told her why I couldn’t explain it then.  I’m sure she figured out why – I can’t talk very much or concentrate when I need to go to the bathroom that badly.  I was only 2 years at the high school I graduated from but grew up at the other one.  It happens they both have reunions on the same night but I’m going to the one I know more people from.  OK.  So after talking about these 2 things I’m not sure what happened.  I don’t know if we talked about anything else.  I don’t think so but you know how I get.  I think at one point she asked me, “How are you doing?” and I replied back, “OK.”  I do remember telling her I was starting to get panicky about it.  She started walking back.  I think I started to questioned it because we had talked earlier about sticking it out a minute or two longer when this happens.  But I didn’t care because it was getting so hard to hold I wanted to go back.  Maybe she forgot or maybe she could tell I wasn’t going to be able to hold it much longer.  I think the whole time we were walking she was telling me that my body can do it.  I have time.  It’ll be alright.  I’ll make it.  Something to those effects.  I think I started to really struggle maybe even a sound or two and then we got to the door of the building.  I can’t remember who opened it.  Maybe me.  At that point I just started going to the bathroom and with the door still open I said, “I can’t.  What should I do?  Stay out here.”  She obviously knew I was peeing and told me to step into the wood chips area which was right next to me.  I did.  I’m sure she said that because you can’t see it as well as all over the sidewalk.  She didn’t want me to see it or her to see it I’m sure.    She told me she’ll go inside and wait for me.  I looked and saw some got on the sidewalk before I stepped over and a lot in that wood chips area.  It was all dripping down my legs and again, my shoes (flip flops again) were all wet.  While she was inside she checked down the hall (later I thanked her for doing that).  I didn’t know what to do after I had peed.  So I stepped out of the wood chips area on to the sidewalk again a little further back.  I just stood there and it was still dripping a little.    She came back outside (I’m glad she did because I’m not sure I would have gone back inside – at least not right away – kind of that frozen, I don’t know what to do state) and told me the coast is clear.  No one is around.  I was just standing there, I’m sure trying to cover with my hands as much as I could, and said, “I don’t know what to do.”  So she encouraged me back inside.  I told her it may still be dripping.  She just told me it was clear to go – no one was around.  I’m not sure when she handed me my bag.  Maybe when I stayed outside and she first went in.   So I went to the bathroom and changed.  I came back out and she was waiting for me, up her arms up and smiled at me like it’ OK.  Like it happens.  She smiled all the way to in the lobby area about to go up the stairs.  While we were leaving I wondered if there were any drip drops.  “No … we’re good,” she said not to make me feel bad.  I saw a couple and said so, but we just walked on.  I guess a couple was OK.  I don’t know if she saw them or not but if she did she just ignored them.  I don’t think she wanted me to feel bad and it wasn’t bad enough to have to clean up.  I don’t think I said much coming up the stairs.  She let me go in first for some reason.  “Yes,” I said when the guy was not out there anymore.  She knows I don’t like people to know what we are doing.    We got back into her office and she asked me how I’m feeling.  I told her embarrassed.  She got the tappers out for me to hold.  I asked her if I can take my shoes off.  “Sure!”  She asked me, “Because I saw?”  “Yes.”  She said it was OK – she’s the only one who saw.  It was just an experiment.  I know.  She told me she went to her gynecologist yesterday and although she really likes him and they are very friendly and talk she was embarrassed.  I think she was telling me there are embarrassing moments but it’s OK.    At one point I looked down and saw my pants a little wet on my leg.  I commented that I didn’t know why they were wet there.  She just looked at listened – no comment thank goodness.  I asked her how much she saw when we were outside.  She said when she came back outside she saw the front of my pants (I had shorts on).  Not that she was looking, she just happened to see it.  I asked her if she saw the ground.  She said no but I really do think she glanced.  It was on the sidewalk some but mostly in the wood chips.  Either she doesn’t remember looking or she doesn’t want me to feel more embarrassed.    We talked a little more about it.  She said I really need to practice at home every day for about 2 weeks like that article says.  She said about making it longer and longer between each time I need to go and drink water.  I said I’d have to drink the same amount each time.  I told her it would be better to time it from the time I have to go – how long I can wait.  I told her about Dr. Oz answering someone’s question that from when we feel like we need to go we can wait a couple hours after that.  Yeah right!  She knows how I can’t get near that.  She asked me how long I can wait?  Then she answered it right away by saying about the 7 minutes I can wait in here.  I said, yes – 5 to 10 minutes.    So we were done and I told her I wanted to talk about something else.  I wanted to change the subject.  She took the tappers back.  I told her how I have trouble while she’s gone and last time I wanted to see my son but we couldn’t because my husband was on call.  So he’s not this time and we want to go – and it’s my son’s birthday!  She thought that was great.  I said I wanted to call him now.  I did.  The first time he didn’t answer, the second time he did.  I said he may be working and if he is I’ll try to sneak it in anyway.  She listened while we talked.    I asked him if he would like a surprise for his birthday.  He said it depends on what it is.  I told him and he wasn’t too receptive first saying he wants to go to a concert then.  And I said if he could clear 3 days.  One to see relatives, one to go to Vegas and one to do what he wants to show us.  No Vegas!  My therapist said later just not to take him because he’ll complain the whole time and talk about how commercialized it is.  He will!  I told him the other 2 days would be travel days for us and we couldn’t do much.  He was getting ready for work and couldn’t talk.  He lightened up more toward the end of the conversation and said it’s do able but we need to talk later.    So we hung up and she asked me how I felt.  I told her I wished he was a little more receptive about it.  It means much more to me about us seeing each other than to him.  She asked me if he talks that way to my husband.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  She asked if he cares, if it bothers my husband.  No but it does me.  She nodded like she understands.  I asked her if her son is happy to see her when they visit.  She said yes but he’s probably glad when they leave.  But they are there longer – 10 days.  This would only be for 5.  No matter how caustic he is to me I still want to see him – he’s my son.  She commented how he can be very loving, too.  Yes.  If we do this we’ll have to talk about a lot of things.  She said it would be a good thing to go.  Good timing, the week she is gone and my son’s birthday.  Plus it will probably be the last time I can see my Aunt so I should do it.  Yes – I know.  It’s sad to realize that.  She talked about things coming to an end.  I said in a good way but not a bad way.  She alluded – didn’t exactly come out and say – sometimes it can’t be in a good way and that’s OK.  She said like my high school reunion.  What if everyone stayed in the same place as then.  High school had to end and people move on to do bigger and better things.  Maybe she’s trying to prepare me for things to come.  I hope not!  At least not for a long, long, long, long time!    We talked about holidays and all my kids being with us and not this year.  It’s really sad.  My family isn’t complete without him here.  I’m not scared about this weekend.  It’ll be OK and I’ll just go to the bathroom when I need to.  My daughter and I check on my grandson in babysitting and that’s always a good excuse.  Her husband used to go sometimes but probably not this year unless someone invites him.  She commented how special it is to me and to enjoy.  I wondered if that guy would remember me – probably.  But I won’t see my whole family down the row.  It’s sad.  So then I switched subjects again.  I talked about Monday when I went to the massage therapist after her and she wasn’t there right away because she was down talking to the chiropractor (the one with the door by the bathroom) about my friend who did call her.  She has vertigo and my massage therapist recommended the chiropractor instead and wanted to check to see if she called.  But she may pop by to see her.  I first said, “That’s all I need!” but then thought she knows I see the massage therapist.  And I reminded her never to tell her I see her.  My therapist said she doesn’t even know what she looks like (except the TV show) and she doesn’t even know her and visa versa.  It’s all OK.  Yeah.  Then I told her about the Amish Country and the massage therapist being interested in going with her husband for #7 and #8 persons.  I didn’t know to say anything or not today when I see her.  I told her I’d let her know.  I’d like her to go.  I think we’d have a lot of fun.  But she knows nothing of my problem and I’d like to keep it that way.  I have enough that this #8 person doesn’t know either.  But I don’t see this person all the time and I do the massage therapist.  She asked me how it would make me feel if she does go.  Scared.  She asked how my body would feel.  I showed her kind of hunched in.  She did it, too.  How would it make me feel if she doesn’t go.  Relieved but upset she’d be missing something really cool.  See how this problem gets in the way.  I wouldn’t care if not for that.  I told her with her, I’d ask her but she won’t even come to my house to see my collections!  I’d be OK with her.  She said it’s different.  The massage therapists can see friends and such.  They can do things like that.  She said because there is a strict code of ethics she has to go by and malpractice insurance.  Like if she just happened to be there on the same tour.  What if (and she said she wouldn’t) she said something out loud and my friends heard it.  Something about me I didn’t want anyone knowing.  Her partner was in Chicago to her daughter’s friend’s wedding.  The groom invited his therapist and he went!  He drank too much and started divulging information.  Her partner couldn’t believe he went, in the first place, and that it happened.   Single people can’t see each other in therapy because they can’t date.  I said how there are movies about that.  Yes.  She wouldn’t see a friend of hers but maybe the friends friend but she had to be careful not to say anything.  She is friends with her dentist and that’s OK.  I said I wouldn’t see my cousin (she’s a therapist) because of that and I just wouldn’t do that anyway!  So as it turns out (my therapist doesn’t know because I went after) she asked me what was happening.  I told her the whole story and we are going to the 5:00 meal instead of the noontime meal.  I told her that’s where we’ll be if she and her husband wanted to come.  She said she can’t – she has some Octoberfest to go to.  Just as well, I’m thinking.  It would be really nice but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.  I’m hoping some day I will be.    My therapist thought too with my friends there maybe it would be funny and I said I didn’t know if we would ride together or go separately.  I told her we talk, we laugh (are we too loud sometimes – no) and I think she likes me.  I don’t ever want her to know.  I always get afraid that when people know they won’t like me anymore.  She said I can test that out with her and tell her.  She knows medical stuff and may be able to help in ways.  Still - no.    So I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I wanted to go or for her to watch the clock.  I said to watch the clock but I really wanted to go walking again to feel successful – like I can do this.  She looked at her drawer and said we had extra clothes.  “No, we used those.” I told her almost sarcastically.  I didn’t mean to – I just hate this problem and hate what happened earlier that I’ve already used all my extra clothes.  She looked at the extra bag I had and looked a little confused again and again I said I didn’t want to talk about it.  Yes – I had planned and brought extra. extra clothes but had to use them which she doesn’t know about.  I didn’t want to tell her.    I did say how last time it didn’t exactly work.  She looked confused again.  I reminded her how my pants were a little wet.  She asked me if I have the massage therapist after – yes, because that time I had to with my pants wet.  So maybe I shouldn’t go it seems she was leaning towards.  I told her it’s like a family with 3 boys and trying to have a little girl.  I don’t know if I want to take that risk or not.  She said and then they have another little boy.  And I have an accident.  It had been about 3 minutes at the start of this conversation and then about 5 minutes.  I then told her the longer I spend deciding the more I can’t go – too much time is passing.  Yeah.  So I didn’t.  It was getting harder and she asked me if I wanted to go.  No, not yet.  About 2 minutes later I said, “I can’t do this much longer,” and got up and went.    We picked up afterwards whatever we had been talking about.  I did an OK job talking or listening when I had to go.  And when we did the exposure outside I told her I think I did pretty well.  I repeated some what we talked about.  It’s really hard to figure this out exactly and the timing and I know she wants me to practice more at home.  I do.  The practice here though gives me more incentive and also practicing with “real people” around.  And, of course, if I have an accident to be able to practice and not freeze to know what to do in real life.  But, boy are they hard to do!  Thank goodness I have her support and she’d never make me feel bad for doing them.  More encouraging and that’s nice.  I told her I was afraid of the swine flu.  That’s all they talk about and so much on the news and it’s scaring me.  It’s because symptoms include nausea and vomiting and diarrhea.  I don’t know if that’s for everyone or not.  She doesn’t know either.  She said other people she sees are scared to for other reasons, too, like for their kids getting it.  I told her how my kids used to throw up in October and it’s almost October.  Maybe we should look at throw up videos again.  She said next time, if I’d like, we can do the light bar and go back to when this fear first started with my Mom’s reaction.  OK.    Then we talked about my weight.  I told her I don’t know if I’m making too much of an issue about it or if I’m really fat.  She said I’m making too much of an issue.  She said she even noticed when we were walking back into her office and I walked in front of her how thin I am.  I said I know my legs and arms but not my belly.  She said it doesn’t come overnight.  I said so it can get bigger!  And about the women in my Mom’s family.  But I don’t sit like my Mom did.  So I showed her pictures.  I told her I don’t look fat but I look at myself and feel fat.  I said, though to keep in mind I’m between my husband and my daughter who are really heavy.  I used to be really skinny – 110 pounds.  She said that was too skinny.  We looked at the pictures and particularly one with me and my 2 friends which was more of a close-up.  First she said, “You look great!”  Then she commented how I’m in my 50’s now and we looked at the problem area.  But other pictures I didn’t see it.  She said don’t loose weight just to keep healthy and alluded to exercise.  I said how I weigh myself a lot and I don’t want to be anorexic like my cousin’s daughter is. She said how we often focus on other things so we don't have to focus on the real problems but we didn't talk about what.  Then I went on to ask about OCD.  I saw on TV someone who wrote a book about it and how he’d see a log and have to keep going back to it to make sure it wasn’t a dead person – over and over again.  I asked if that’s the case for me because I think about my problem so much.  She said no – mine is anxiety produced and I can’t ignore it.  I can’t ignore my problem.  I said how I think about it a lot because every day you have to keep having to go to the bathroom.  It’s just there.  She agreed.  That’s not the case with me at all – I don’t have OCD.  So tonight the shame is trying to creep its way in.  I’m trying my hardest not to let it.  I tell myself I didn’t let it last time so I’m not going to let it this time.  But, I do feel badly for what happened. Badly that it happened again and I need some success with this, too.  Not all accidents.  I have a lot of determination and I want to keep trying.  I’ve got to get this right!  I have to figure this out and I have to be able to walk around that circle out back without wetting my pants.  OK if I have accidents sometimes OK - but I have to have successes in there, too.