didn't sign up for this ...
So today I'm feeling sorry for myself once again, why me ? why don't my friends include me in their lives ? Why do they all offer their advice and urge me to get out and meet new people and do things I am not comfortable doing.... I want my life back, that's not going to happen. SO what I would like is for the people that were in our life to come back to my life, call me , ask me to your BBQ , invite me to dinner, heck I'd even go on a vacation with you I don't mind being a 3rd wheel, a 5th wheel. I know you I know your families, I am comfortable with you I am not comfortable venturing out into a new world wanting to meet a new set of friends . Well, guess what it's not about me as far as people are concerned so I have a choice sit in my pity party or create a new life... I hope I never treat anyone the way I feel I am being treated. I'm venting and this too shall pass. Living alone, being alone , doing things alone SUCKS.... I didn't have a perfect life by any means, nor a perfect fairytale marriage, but it worked and I was happy being married. Through the ups and downs, good times and bad times we stayed together because we loved one another and it worked. For all those people that think when you become widowed you are FREE and that it's a time for a fresh new start and blah blah blah.... I wish you could trade places with me for 2 years and see how wonderful this new freedom really is.... and I don't want to share my feelings with these friends because I don't want them to start calling me out of pity. BIG VENT session tonight and I feel a bit better.... tomorrow will be a better day .....
Replies
If I lived nearby, I\'d ask you over for a cup of tea and a visit! Sorry to hear of your struggles.
F*#%K Cancer!
Oh boy do I feel it too girl. Isn\'t it so great to be able to vent with friends that know your pain? It\'s hard to make new friends and start a new life when we\'ve had so many yrs with our ol\' friends. But by faith, I believe some of the ol\' friends that are meant to be part of the new life will come around again. In the mean time I hope that the dear ones that God knows you need now. Sad but true is everyone will deal with loss of loved one sooner or later so I\'m sure some of your ol\' friends will need you in time and you will have the opportunity to lift them. Even though they were at a loss to deal with helping you now. Feel the hugs sent your way..D
Tracy....
Are you still in CA? Sorry today was a rough day for you. We all have them.. and I pray tomorrow will be better. I totally know what you mean... our couple friends used to call us to go out together all the time... now I will occasionally get together with the wives of the couples for lunch / movies during the day.... but all those other invitations stopped. But, truthfully, I\'d probably say \'no\', even if they did invite me.
I have been blessed by the new widowed friends that I\'ve met... like you!! I look forward to doing things together. What\'s going on with the cruise? I wanted to talk with you about that... please call me if you get a chance.
I know you would never treat anyone the way you\'re being treated ! You are so sweet and caring. Perhaps these people just don\'t know what to say or do... like we always say... they just don\'t get it.
Hugs & Blessings, Linda
Hi, Friend...Just let it all out, and do some mental cleaning. I have been so hurt so many times...when people with whom I have spent YEARS ...don\'t remember my phone # and others who were family on his side...make me feel that I somehow have been excused from the club.....but, you know what?
If they did invite us...if they would ask us out with them, our old lives with them would be strangely absent...more absent than what we feel alone at home. For we and all we know have changed. They love us, but do not understand nor know what to say to, or do with us. It is o.k. to go with no wishes for our old lives...but we have now been granted our new ones. We have no choice. We know secrets that they don\'t know. We know pain they can\'t comprehend...so dear one, invite the ones you trust to your home. I started with just a few at a time...and then it was up to them...I have a handful of forever friends. I have tons of friends I used to call friends...and are now part of my past. You are a wonderful lady. It is already tomorrow...and I wish you a joyful, happy, and peaceful day. Love, Ann
Tracy,
It is a very mixed bag for those of us who still see some of our married couple friends. Being with them makes me yearn for what I no longer have in my own life and I think I make them painfully aware of what could happen in their own lives. It is difficult at best.
Dianne
Grief is difficult & affects everyone differently. If you read my journal you know I\'ve had my challenges in life and I am not alone with that. Especially, the last 4 years for me. I know with your husband - hearing the words you have EC - you know how life can change drastically in a moment for both of you and then his death, too, for you.
It comes to mind to me that \"it takes a village\" since the loss of my husband to give me even a piece of how fulfilled I was by his presence in my life. But, I still do feel his presence too.
My situation is different from yours in that my son (almost 40) lives in the lower level of my home, so he comes and goes daily. So, I don\'t come home to an empty house and I\'m sure that is different and difficult. My Mom had that when my Dad passed away decades ago when she was living alone in her home. Also, 2 weeks before my husband suddenly passed away we saw that my Mom could no longer be left alone, as she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My sisters and I took turns staying with her in her home 24/7 for a little over a year. I know that made me focus more on her than I would have after my husband\'s death of how lonely it was. But, even then, of course my heart ached. I was numb for a long time.
I have sisters who are very close to me and have my back and my brother-in-laws, multiple nieces/nephews & great nieces & great nephews (ranging from 1 year to 17 years old). We\'re a very close family and I\'ve counted my blessings with having them - many, many times. I have girlfriends who I\'ve had since I was 5 from our dead end street and other friends I\'ve met through life - different jobs, neighbors, etc. I have grandchildren & stepchildren that live out of town. But, even with all of them I still need other (new to me) people. Something about EC made me realize I need to reach out to people and let them in. Cautiously, but I felt God was telling me to reach out to other people.
My husband and I joined a stroke support group after his stroke, then I joined the DS EC group to help deal with my esophageal cancer. After my husband passed, I joined a grief support group through our hospital. I go to the Wellness Cancer Center to participate in things. Often times when you join a group you just bond with it or individuals and see that you have things in common. The grief support group was very good for me, because all of us but 2 (out of 12?) were widows. 6-8 of us still get together each month for lunch at a restaurant. At the time we\'re together we pull out our calendars and decide the next date/time/place. We\'ve been getting together for over a year. Those who want it continued to come. Those who didn\'t need or want it anymore didn\'t and that was fine too. You can go to different grief support groups - it\'s not just one that you need to try, but the first one I joined fit me just right, so I haven\'t done any others.
Daily Strength is a great online support for me, because I don\'t run into many people with esophageal cancer and I feel a kinship with others, so that connection is so important to me.
I guess what I\'m mostly saying is reach out to those that you feel are there for you and new people. I think there are many people looking for what you are. Oft times it\'s just a matter of first meeting them. Sign up for things that you love to do. My sisters and I recently signed up for a card making class that was fun.
I think it\'s fine to vent. That\'s the great thing about DS you can come where others understand. I\'ve met some great online friends. Too far in miles to meet, but still very nice having them to share with. The phone and texting has helped me too. I\'m available for you, if you want to talk or text. Let me know and I\'ll private send you my #. I have cable (free minutes) long distance with cable and would love to remind you, you\'re not alone anytime you need a listening ear and a friendly voice. I love life even with all the challenges and through EC have learned to try and live each day to it\'s fullest. :-) Hoping today feels like a better day for you. Hugs, Brenda
thank you all for your continued support, understanding and kind words
lova ya all
Tracy
I hear ya sistah. People get busy and they dont realize what widows go through. I feel real friends should at least pick up the phone and ask how you are doing? I stopped dwelling on it now and think to myself even if I have to make a new life and make new friends so be it. God Bless and hugs to you. Edie
I take that back. I remember the other day feeling exactly as you do. I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowed in self pity. I talked to God and asked him why did I have to be without my husband and be so alone? I was honest and asked him didnt you create Eve for Adam so he would not be alone? I prayed for peace and for the emptyness to go away. Some days are better then others. I will pray for you too. Edie