Did it again - but have to stop
Well, I did it again.
I spent $160 last night. I left my bank cards and credit cards at home and needed to get out. Obviously, it was a mistake. Nothing good about this. Only thing was I was smart enough to leave my cards at home - but really - just going out was stupid. Falling back on the "I'm smart because I left my cards at home BS is just an excuse" I could use that $160.
Problem is that I enjoy it. It's calming for me - until I lose and have to drive home and the shame and guilt make me feel like crap. Even if I win a lot - I still feel a sense of shame - especially when I see my kids. Right now, my wife an I aren't together. I think I have always had this problem because I wanted both of us to do more with each other. It's not her fault by any means. It's just that she gives new meaning to the phrase "strong silent type".
If she has something that bothers her - I'm there. If something bothers me - I would likely have to scream it out loud. She's claimed I am not "there" for her with the kids - which has some merit - but that's changed and I do much more than I ever did and as much as any father does and more.
However, she's never "been there" for me - and not in a condescending way, but in a way that you should be for someone you care about.
Well, it is what it is. I have to make the best of a bad situation.
I must find the strength to make it work. Maybe this site should be called "minute-by-minute strength" or "hourly strength" because there are times when making it through an hour is a struggle.
Writing helps - but that's all I do now - write for money and I'm getting tired of it.
This sucks.
I spent $160 last night. I left my bank cards and credit cards at home and needed to get out. Obviously, it was a mistake. Nothing good about this. Only thing was I was smart enough to leave my cards at home - but really - just going out was stupid. Falling back on the "I'm smart because I left my cards at home BS is just an excuse" I could use that $160.
Problem is that I enjoy it. It's calming for me - until I lose and have to drive home and the shame and guilt make me feel like crap. Even if I win a lot - I still feel a sense of shame - especially when I see my kids. Right now, my wife an I aren't together. I think I have always had this problem because I wanted both of us to do more with each other. It's not her fault by any means. It's just that she gives new meaning to the phrase "strong silent type".
If she has something that bothers her - I'm there. If something bothers me - I would likely have to scream it out loud. She's claimed I am not "there" for her with the kids - which has some merit - but that's changed and I do much more than I ever did and as much as any father does and more.
However, she's never "been there" for me - and not in a condescending way, but in a way that you should be for someone you care about.
Well, it is what it is. I have to make the best of a bad situation.
I must find the strength to make it work. Maybe this site should be called "minute-by-minute strength" or "hourly strength" because there are times when making it through an hour is a struggle.
Writing helps - but that's all I do now - write for money and I'm getting tired of it.
This sucks.
Replies
heal yourself and then worry about the wife, this disease allows and demands our selishness about recovery, be selfish about your recovery. i like it too, it calms me too, knowing i can go, the drive, the walk in, the cocktail, the sit down, the play, lately for whatever reason i\'ve been able to stop and walk away, before that wasnt the case. your making progress, you left the cards home, thats a step, dont make fun of it, you did that as a boundary, good for you, now do another and another an lock it up ....
Is the casino your escape? The reason I ask is it doesn\'t seem like your relationship with your wife is a health one. I have noticed that a lot of us have problems so we escape to a place. This is a place of destruction. Hummmm I am just thinking while I am typing. Did you know that people that cut themselves do it to feel. The pain feels good. Do we do this destruction to ourselves because it feels good to feel bad? I say often the opposite of LOVE is not HATE it is indifferent. We love going to the casino and we hate the drive home. What if we treated the casino with an air of indifference? Could it then lose its hold of us? Be good to you that is the start.