Did I ever want it? (may be too graphic)
Did I ever want to have sex?
I kind of recall actually wanting to go from making out to having sex with different relationships. I craved that physical attention. My head had the sex connected with love and I was desperate to be loved. Depression was always with me, but I had power if I flirted and had offered sex.
I gave up my power a long time ago. I stopped having power from dangling sex and flirtation. Now I'm expected to go through with it if I suggest anything. I don't want it. I think the expectation led me a long time ago to abandon the thrill, the closeness, the intimacy. It is just another chore I have to do. It's been a long time because I can't get these stupid yeast infections under control. It's like the high cholesterol that only responds to high levels of medicine. As soon as the medicine is gone, it all comes back.
Then, I am right back where I started. Sex that hurts. Drugs that make it hard to have an orgasm. Never wanting it. Not even wanting to hug or kiss because I know what it will lead to -- him being sexually frustrated. He says he doesn't want to have sex if it hurts me. But he does want to have sex. Well, wtf am I supposed to do? I've bought lotions and creams. Nothing makes me want to have sex. I don't care about any of it.
But I know I should. I know I should want it. I question if I ever really wanted it? My parents were afraid I was a sex addict in the making with my behaviors as a young teenager, but I wasn't. I was a relationship addict. I was craving love, attention, affection. Sex was my only hook I could grab these guys with.
Sigh.
I wish I felt like having sex, but I don't.
Nothing turns me on. And the biggest turn off are the comments my husband makes about wanting sex, wanting that release. I know... I know... He does need that. But I'm hurting. My body, my emotional self my mental self.
dea
I kind of recall actually wanting to go from making out to having sex with different relationships. I craved that physical attention. My head had the sex connected with love and I was desperate to be loved. Depression was always with me, but I had power if I flirted and had offered sex.
I gave up my power a long time ago. I stopped having power from dangling sex and flirtation. Now I'm expected to go through with it if I suggest anything. I don't want it. I think the expectation led me a long time ago to abandon the thrill, the closeness, the intimacy. It is just another chore I have to do. It's been a long time because I can't get these stupid yeast infections under control. It's like the high cholesterol that only responds to high levels of medicine. As soon as the medicine is gone, it all comes back.
Then, I am right back where I started. Sex that hurts. Drugs that make it hard to have an orgasm. Never wanting it. Not even wanting to hug or kiss because I know what it will lead to -- him being sexually frustrated. He says he doesn't want to have sex if it hurts me. But he does want to have sex. Well, wtf am I supposed to do? I've bought lotions and creams. Nothing makes me want to have sex. I don't care about any of it.
But I know I should. I know I should want it. I question if I ever really wanted it? My parents were afraid I was a sex addict in the making with my behaviors as a young teenager, but I wasn't. I was a relationship addict. I was craving love, attention, affection. Sex was my only hook I could grab these guys with.
Sigh.
I wish I felt like having sex, but I don't.
Nothing turns me on. And the biggest turn off are the comments my husband makes about wanting sex, wanting that release. I know... I know... He does need that. But I'm hurting. My body, my emotional self my mental self.
dea
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