Diaries

Diarying this way beats 40 notebooks around the place.cant stop writingim going to a drag show at Dorothy's tonitewill even make myself up and have a puff before i go upjust trawling for a gay friend.i need a new bestie to run around with i picture: he's about 25, pretty rather than machoor he's 40ish and a bit more sophisticated than above one no rather have someone over 40or even 50 if they are young actinggot to have energy and stamina to keep up with me when im high like thisi can go 2 nights easy 3 at a pinch but getting a bittoo psychotic by theni dont care im having funthat thing with unohooo rocked my world a bitdefinite signs of obsession dont like thatlove addiction is long gonedont need a relapse after so long.last time andre in 93 i thinknot much with bryan we declared the first night so didnt have the bullshit does he doesnt hei hate that.im too much of a catch to bekept waiting and wonderinggo for it and if it fucks up well thats 2 weeks down the drainbut the fencing can go on for years like with JRSdrove me madnext time if there is one ill chop it off as soon as i get that treatment.why play that game when there are so many better ones?only insecure folks do it methinks. sex my libido has come back suddenly and unexpectedlylike onenite stands are appealing.used to have to drink to do that but now i can just go and ask politely.but being careful cos god protects drunks in a way that He might not if Im soberlike when i was raped.sober unbelievablywhen im drunk my autopilot takes over and AP is better thana pilot with flight fright.pause for puff cos i can and i am unlikely to get busted in a town of 35,000 pill freaksto think 10 days ago i had the knife poisedin my mind anyway.frightening and i never want to go there again.but what triggers them???????can be the smallest straw.the next one might be the death of me unless I have 3 safety nets and a medic on hand 24/7/365....hard to take it seriously when im not there,so-list of all my friends at handa list of fun things to do,they re my twin towers of depressionsame for everyone?loneliness and boredom with X  im not bored, but he pisses me offblames me for chats too long for himwhy not just say so?must be an under 50 thing.... no wont dwell on him supposing he reads this?either obsessing about me or forgotteni suspect the former but thats just mebut if obsessing then wil cert read this. he and i are astro twin soulspraps too much Aquarian energy better of friends stalking togetheri fear he is an incorrigible flirt and so am i so how that works im not surejust have to try it on for sixe.a few hurdles bet then and nowprob have to go over myself if i want to meet himwas thinking about us US next fallcan join up the dottiesFla CT CA NYC etccool funand they can visit me here.I think Dailystrength is a naff nameshld have a western cowboy theme see yame cant be bothered rereding hope ok for publiucationweird feeling/though/feeling