Dizzy
Soooo, yeah been running around in circles for so long I'm dizzy.
+I'm looking for a job, but who is going to watch the kids?
+ I have people willing to watch them, but i cant afford to pay for child care because i'm not working.
+ I'm trying to focus on school since this is essentially my last chance at it, but its hard when i feel like i have no support. Being able to focus solely on school has allowed me to be doing great so far...Straight "A"s right now, but there is so much tension at home because of the financial strain from me not working and her being self employed. When money is flowing and she is in a good mood she tries to talk to me, she entertains my conversation and the mood around the house is a lot lighter. When money is not right she is cold and withdrawn, there is tension in the house. She has an attitude and it gets frequently thrown in my direction, making me feel as though its my fault we don't have money. When she was in school i worked and did as much as i could to make sure she was able to focus on school without too many distractions. Even now, everything she chooses to do i try to support her, help her and not bitch about it but I guess i didn't do such a good job there. She gets to go to classes, conferences, meetings, work and wherever else she wants to freely. I cant even go to the bathroom alone. I stay with the kids 24/7, take care of the house and now school but i often get told its not good enough because its not helping financially, that m not dong enough to help keep the roof over our heads......
+ I am now trying to figure out how to balance things out. She wants me to listen to her when she "tells me what to do" she wants me to let her take care of things but as soon as things get rough she shuts me out, gets an attitude with me or gives me the cold shoulder. So i try to figure things out on my own and if i make plans without letting her know or without involving her then that is a whole other can of worms opened up. When i step up and try to take charge she gets upset that i didn't include her and as a way to punish me she shuts me and the kids out. When i make an effort to include her she acts as though i'm bothering her so i back off.
+ I look at people around me and can honestly say i envy their lives. I see families together shopping or running errands together and i have to accept that i will never have that. She is either too busy, not interested or in a shitty mood and i dare not ask. I want to go to the mall with my family and window shop, walk around Ikea and plan our future home design or take the kids to the park for a photo shoot.
+ I want to go to work an come home to a welcoming family, maybe dinner together and some QT catching up on our day...but i know that's not an option now because if she is in a bad mood or had a bad day or something is bothering her then she comes home and doesn't want to be bothered. So she comes in, uses the bathroom then goes to the room by herself, gets in the bed and dives into her computer, tablet and phones. I have to go in there to see if she needs anything.
+ Its just sucks to know you will never have what you want. I have dreams that i am realizing i have to let go of, her youngest is 12 so she is more than able to focus on chasing her dreams and i'm here being the house wife taking care of the kids. If i need to go to the store i have to either pack them up and take them with me or wait for her to get back to go, assuming she makes it back b4 closing. I'm not complaining but its harder to chase a dream with a 2 year old and a 2 week old.
+ It is time to put my dreams away, i had my chance and i wasted more than enough time, I had 25 years child free to chase my dreams, go to school, start a business and everything else but i am realizing that with no help with her so focused on her business and no family i have to be the one to step up. i have to put my dreams away and redirect my focus to making sure my kids have the chance to follow theirs.
+ This will be my last semester in school. By the time it ends the newborn will be old enough to go to child care and i will have more time to work. I know what i want but accepting that it will never happen that way is the first step to figuring out where my life is going and how im going to get there.
+I'm looking for a job, but who is going to watch the kids?
+ I have people willing to watch them, but i cant afford to pay for child care because i'm not working.
+ I'm trying to focus on school since this is essentially my last chance at it, but its hard when i feel like i have no support. Being able to focus solely on school has allowed me to be doing great so far...Straight "A"s right now, but there is so much tension at home because of the financial strain from me not working and her being self employed. When money is flowing and she is in a good mood she tries to talk to me, she entertains my conversation and the mood around the house is a lot lighter. When money is not right she is cold and withdrawn, there is tension in the house. She has an attitude and it gets frequently thrown in my direction, making me feel as though its my fault we don't have money. When she was in school i worked and did as much as i could to make sure she was able to focus on school without too many distractions. Even now, everything she chooses to do i try to support her, help her and not bitch about it but I guess i didn't do such a good job there. She gets to go to classes, conferences, meetings, work and wherever else she wants to freely. I cant even go to the bathroom alone. I stay with the kids 24/7, take care of the house and now school but i often get told its not good enough because its not helping financially, that m not dong enough to help keep the roof over our heads......
+ I am now trying to figure out how to balance things out. She wants me to listen to her when she "tells me what to do" she wants me to let her take care of things but as soon as things get rough she shuts me out, gets an attitude with me or gives me the cold shoulder. So i try to figure things out on my own and if i make plans without letting her know or without involving her then that is a whole other can of worms opened up. When i step up and try to take charge she gets upset that i didn't include her and as a way to punish me she shuts me and the kids out. When i make an effort to include her she acts as though i'm bothering her so i back off.
+ I look at people around me and can honestly say i envy their lives. I see families together shopping or running errands together and i have to accept that i will never have that. She is either too busy, not interested or in a shitty mood and i dare not ask. I want to go to the mall with my family and window shop, walk around Ikea and plan our future home design or take the kids to the park for a photo shoot.
+ I want to go to work an come home to a welcoming family, maybe dinner together and some QT catching up on our day...but i know that's not an option now because if she is in a bad mood or had a bad day or something is bothering her then she comes home and doesn't want to be bothered. So she comes in, uses the bathroom then goes to the room by herself, gets in the bed and dives into her computer, tablet and phones. I have to go in there to see if she needs anything.
+ Its just sucks to know you will never have what you want. I have dreams that i am realizing i have to let go of, her youngest is 12 so she is more than able to focus on chasing her dreams and i'm here being the house wife taking care of the kids. If i need to go to the store i have to either pack them up and take them with me or wait for her to get back to go, assuming she makes it back b4 closing. I'm not complaining but its harder to chase a dream with a 2 year old and a 2 week old.
+ It is time to put my dreams away, i had my chance and i wasted more than enough time, I had 25 years child free to chase my dreams, go to school, start a business and everything else but i am realizing that with no help with her so focused on her business and no family i have to be the one to step up. i have to put my dreams away and redirect my focus to making sure my kids have the chance to follow theirs.
+ This will be my last semester in school. By the time it ends the newborn will be old enough to go to child care and i will have more time to work. I know what i want but accepting that it will never happen that way is the first step to figuring out where my life is going and how im going to get there.
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