Desperately need support
Dear Diary and friends (open letter)
April 9 (?), 2014
These are desperate times. I feel very depressed I feel like I can't keep up in the housework, not that I even try. I can't seem to get going. I think about doing everything, but then think, "I will do it (in a little bit)." This has only started since Monday, but is feels like it has been going on forever. I find myself questioning, is it medication related? Is it because it is April-always my worst time of year? Or is it something else? I find myself wanting to retreat. I feel spent, and wanting to give up. I feel mentally drained exhausted in the head. And there is no way out. I need some support, and I am turning to you, my new friends, for guidance.
The first of my problems relates to public aid. Everyone in the area got a letter of medical update--they seem to be weaning out the deadwood. The information was specified that it had to be returned by a certain date. SO I made sure that I mailed the information back on that date. I received a letter back that my medical coverage will be terminated on May 1st because the information was not in their possession on the specified date (even though it was postmarked on that date and they still seem to be processing the information, because they made a photocopy of a form I sent and mailed it back to me. They provided information for a free lawyer, who I contacted, and apparently there are a myriad of people who are in exactly the same boat. What I need to do now is go down to the county seat and make an informal appeal on my own behalf. This should apparently do the trick.
Herein lies the trick--I have a social fear of going out. I am going to ask my brother tomorrow if he can go with me on Thursday, if he cannot go then I will go by myself and do a lot of praying. I am going to HAVE to do this, and I am going to ask EVERYONE I know to pray for me, because I am scared beyond measure. If I can get past this I will feel much better. Perhaps I will go today first thing in the morning. Yes, that is what I think I will do. The nurse is supposed to come today, but she will have to come tomorrow, because I HAVE to get this done. Period.
YEs, I think this is why I am so depressed and scared. Just coming to a conclusion even now about going today makes me feel much better about the whole thing. Yes, I am going today, come hell or high water. The nurse will have to wait.
It is now two thirty in the morning. I will get to the office ten minutes before they open. I have copies of the letters they sent me, showing how vague the wording is. And if I am denied, I can go for a fair hearing appeal. With a legal aid lawyer who I have already talked to. They are very friendly.
Now that I have come to a decision I think I can get some thing done around the house while my parents sleep. Does anyone else have trouble going out?
Another thing I will have to do before I go is to take a bath. I don't know why that is hard for me, but it is. Now I have a good reason. I shall get that done at around six. I feel much better.
May God guide me through this difficult day. I very much love my Creator and all the My Creator does for me, and I am thankful that my Creator so loves me that He watches over me and gives me this Guidance AMEN.
Thank you all so much for all of your love and support.
Much love,
Ayla
April 9 (?), 2014
These are desperate times. I feel very depressed I feel like I can't keep up in the housework, not that I even try. I can't seem to get going. I think about doing everything, but then think, "I will do it (in a little bit)." This has only started since Monday, but is feels like it has been going on forever. I find myself questioning, is it medication related? Is it because it is April-always my worst time of year? Or is it something else? I find myself wanting to retreat. I feel spent, and wanting to give up. I feel mentally drained exhausted in the head. And there is no way out. I need some support, and I am turning to you, my new friends, for guidance.
The first of my problems relates to public aid. Everyone in the area got a letter of medical update--they seem to be weaning out the deadwood. The information was specified that it had to be returned by a certain date. SO I made sure that I mailed the information back on that date. I received a letter back that my medical coverage will be terminated on May 1st because the information was not in their possession on the specified date (even though it was postmarked on that date and they still seem to be processing the information, because they made a photocopy of a form I sent and mailed it back to me. They provided information for a free lawyer, who I contacted, and apparently there are a myriad of people who are in exactly the same boat. What I need to do now is go down to the county seat and make an informal appeal on my own behalf. This should apparently do the trick.
Herein lies the trick--I have a social fear of going out. I am going to ask my brother tomorrow if he can go with me on Thursday, if he cannot go then I will go by myself and do a lot of praying. I am going to HAVE to do this, and I am going to ask EVERYONE I know to pray for me, because I am scared beyond measure. If I can get past this I will feel much better. Perhaps I will go today first thing in the morning. Yes, that is what I think I will do. The nurse is supposed to come today, but she will have to come tomorrow, because I HAVE to get this done. Period.
YEs, I think this is why I am so depressed and scared. Just coming to a conclusion even now about going today makes me feel much better about the whole thing. Yes, I am going today, come hell or high water. The nurse will have to wait.
It is now two thirty in the morning. I will get to the office ten minutes before they open. I have copies of the letters they sent me, showing how vague the wording is. And if I am denied, I can go for a fair hearing appeal. With a legal aid lawyer who I have already talked to. They are very friendly.
Now that I have come to a decision I think I can get some thing done around the house while my parents sleep. Does anyone else have trouble going out?
Another thing I will have to do before I go is to take a bath. I don't know why that is hard for me, but it is. Now I have a good reason. I shall get that done at around six. I feel much better.
May God guide me through this difficult day. I very much love my Creator and all the My Creator does for me, and I am thankful that my Creator so loves me that He watches over me and gives me this Guidance AMEN.
Thank you all so much for all of your love and support.
Much love,
Ayla
Replies
I will pray as you do, for God to see you through, and he will! He is risen. And remember, Christ prays to his Father for and about us.
Meds can and do affect ones mood!
Just tackle one room at a time-just even a little progress and you will begin to feel proud of YOURSELF..not waiting for someone else to compliment or comment :)
That goes with other areas of our life too...we have to do for ourseves at times
Ayla, I hope you get done what you need to today. I also have anxiety about leaving the house and it\'s horrible to feel like this. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and for you to know you are not alone.
I did it! I went to the aid office and now I am home. I am feeling pretty bad, now I will rest. The public aid supervisor is going to call me, and my nurse is coming to see me.
Ayla, I\'m so glad you forced yourself and MADE IT! The minute anyone is not feeling *totally* well, everything (large OR small) is blown out of proportion, overwhelming, scary, and will make you feel defeated instantly! Yes, God is your guide and He will never forsake you. Don\'t ever feel you\'re alone. You\'re not. I will keep praying that you keep moving forward and handle one thing at a time. Try not to want to get everything accomplished at once. In reality, that\'s not a possibility....for ANYone. ;-) Again, I\'m so glad you made it to the office, things will fall into place, and happy your nurse will be seeing you. God\'s blessings.
Ayla67....I am VERY proud of you. Baby steps, one at a time. God I s good, all the time.