depressive episode

I guess it all jsut hits me at once, all the negative feelings. It feels like I'm drowning and nothing can save me, I know that I am too hard on myself and should really cut myself some slack considering I deal with three mental disorders. I can't help it, it's not and has never been good enough to just be 'good' or to 'meet the expectations' because I have always been expected to excel and I have always excelled in school and in other social aspects but somewhere along the line, it all became too much for me, the burden of having to deal with these thigns every single day started to wear on me in addition to all the other respibsiblites that I had to deal with and the difficult classes I take every year as well as my exams. I try to find some sembelense of joy and pride in the life that I've lived but it's so hard. I am so tired all the time both mentally from all the nightmares and anxiety and paranoia, etc but also physcially from all the nightmares I have to endure that do not let me get a sufficent amount of sleep. Being tired also makes me lose motivation and the less work I do, the more depressed I get because I hate myself for not finding the strength to just do what needs to be done. I don't want to self harm because I know that it's wrong but at the same time it's all I want to do because at times when it all becomes too much for me to bear, it's the only thing that will make me feel better. it puts me at ease and provides an outlet to let out all the fustration and self hatred I am feeling. I am envious of all the people that can push through their problems and just get straight A's all the time and get into these amazing colleges and have self disapline. envious of how they are so strong and meanwhile I am so weak and frail. People whose lives are difficult yet the find the strength to give their best everyday because even though I do the same, My best isn't as good as everyone elses and most days I feel like I could do more but my depression won't let me. I just can't do it and all this pressure is bringing back all the suicidal thoughts and I hate this so much. I wish I was stronger and did everything I needed to do and I wish I was easier on myself, I wish enough was enough and while I could type for hours I think I'll stop here and update my journal after I've done my work which will probably take me all night to complete since I didn't do any work during my depressive episode. so I suppose I'll hope the best and go do my work now, update this later.