Depression Sucks..Triggering..

Well I worked all day yesterday and ofcourse was on DS. Just sitting here I started slipping into the deep dark hole of depression. Nothing triggered it, wasnt having an awful day, although my son yelled at me for making one small mistake on some paperwork, like he never makes any mistakes the freakin little OCD brat...... Anyway. I was reading some posts and I just wanted to start tearing some heads off. I was getting so sick and tired of seeing the same posts and wohhh is me, my life is so bad, blah blah blah blah blah. My husband is mean to me (well God, arent most of them)... I want to cut ( well why dont you go and cut your head off and get it over with ).. Just stuff like that. I just wanted to be so mean and hateful for some reason and that really isnt me. Dont get me wrong, I use to cut and burn myself with cigs to get the pain out or if I felt like I had been bad. But damn yesterday got to me. I would llike to apologize if I snapped at anyone.I went home and I wanted to get drunk so bad. I was so pathetic.. And then the tears started and I couldnt stop them.. Im crying now just writing about it.. I think I cried for atleast three hours straight. I locked myself in my room and cried like a baby.  Then I decided I wanted to share my misery with everyone and I got on the phone. Seems like no one had the time for me until they could see I was losing it and then they all called me back but I didnt want to talk then. I just called my son Dakota and cried and cried. I told him I didnt know why I was crying but I got him all worried.. How freaking stupid to call my baby and get him worried. Im glad I couldnt find Carols cell phone number (my mother) cause I know I would have called her and went off on her telling her how horrible she was for being such a shitty mother and letting that bastard destroy me the way he did. What a horrible man my step father was and she stayed with him and let him continue to destroy her kids and his two kids he had with her. I just so wanted to go off on her. It wouldnt of helped because she thinks she was the best and that she was even my room mother in high school. A room mother in high school? She must look through her rose colored glasses to much cause almost all of her kids are fuck ups in one way or another and if she doesnt think that her and Earl didnt have part to do with that then she is so fucking crazy.. How pathetic.. I thought I was over her and him but then the pain shot right back up and hit me square in the face and it hurt like hell. I started thinking about all the shit that I have been through and it fucking hurt so bad.. Ryans father leaving me pregnant, without a job or  a place to live. I worked for him and he had his manager fire me and he left for a retreat so he wouldnt have to be bothered by the pregnancy.  I lived with him so I not only lost my job, I lost my place to live, lost my Triumph tr6 (my sports car), and had to move back home with Carol and Earl.. What a treat.. Well the tears are rolling down my cheeks so hard again and I have to work and I cant be on the phone like this so I need to quit talking about it.. I hope my friends that read this dont find me weak. Here I am doing what I was so pissed about yesterday.. Im so stupid I couldnt poor piss out of a boot with the directions on the hill. (boy did I hear that enough from Earl). Well, Im talking like a woman with a paper asshole (another one) so I will quit for now..  I love all of you.. Stay safe and strong.. Dont let the fuckers get you down... None of them....