depression sucks

Hi, I am new to this online journaling....... I have had a escalation of depression for 1 1/2 yrs. No one knows I just told my case manager. Which means my therapist will find out. Which is a good thing. I also have schizophrenia. That doesn't help either. It is what is escalating my depression.  I'm hearing voices telling me that I'm useless that no one cares that I'm fat and ugly. I am fat. But I don't know how ugly I am. My boyfriend doesn't think I'm so ugly. he doesn' know I feel this way though. He is new to me. Known him for 3 yrs though.

The only thing keeping me alive is knowing how bad it would hurt my family and my dog cat  bird and fish. But even those things are starting to diminish. 

My dog is literally eveything to to me. I would die for him, and he'd probably for me too. I wouldn't want him to though. I'd pull him back and get in front of him to save him from whatever is the challenge. 

My case manager is probably gonna go to my psychiatrist appointment in June. She's  gonna encourage me to tell him everything that is going on.It's not that  It's not that I don't trust  him. I do......to a bad extent. I'm so relaxed there. I forget what I need to talk to him about.  

 I have a loving boyfriend. He is 21 yrs older then me. And I am scared of telling my dad how old he is. I love him. He's good to me. It's a new relationship. But we've been friends for 3 yrs. We talk every night by phone and text during the day.  I feel like I'm being secretive when I talk to him even though they can hear everything I say. Because my dad doesn't know his age. I am 35 he is 56. His age doesn't matter to me. But it would to my dad.