Depression is in full swing...

I am so very depressed...  After all I have been through, the two surgeries, almost dying, husband cheating and leaving, the flu, then bronchitis, now I have lumps all through my neck and even after two ten day spans of heavy antibiotics they are still there.  I feel ill all the time.  If they are not better by April 1st I have to have them biopsies.  My back, tailbone, hips and leg pain has been horrible on top of it all.  I feel trapped in a darkness that just won't let go.  

I had had court on the 9th this month for the divorce.  I found out then that I needed to file a poverty packet and an answer to the divorce.  I just filed the poverty packet today.  When that gets approved I can file the answer and get a new court date for the divorce and get alimony.  I need it desperately.  I pay the mortgage when I get my disability each month and my other bills and I have nothing left.  I can buy myself deodorant or hair spray or clothes.  I weigh less now that I have my entire adult life.  I look good yet I feel so horrible inside.  My mother is coming to get me next weekend and I will stay with her for a couple of weeks.  She lives in Florida and that is the only place I can ever go to relax and heal.  I haven't even been able to handle watching my five year old grandson while his mother works.  Not having any money at all to provide things for myself just adds to my depression.  I always do the right thing.  I have always been here for people and I am left alone when I need someone the most.  

I do have a boyfriend, but I haven't seen him much at all.  Three days in the last month.  He said it sucks that I am going to be gone for awhile, but I don't see the difference, not like he is over here with me or anything.  I love the attention he gives me when he is here, but we are so very different.  He likes to be in the heat and hot weather.  I hate it hot and I hate it cold, both suck for me.  I wish I could live where it was in the 70's all the time.  He lives an hour away and his vehicle has been out of commission.  He was sick and then he fell and screwed up s knee which is why it was three weeks that I did not see him and in order to see him for Valentines Day I had to go get him.  Not what I was hoping for in a man.  I want to be the most important thing to my man and I want to know that I am.  He posts pics of young girls with barely any clothes on covered in tattoos and says it's art.  I am a very pretty woman, I should have many men chasing me, well at least that is what I get told all the time.  I just wanted one man and to spend my entire life with that one man.  I am loyal and faithful.  Why did I get three shitty ass husbands that cheated and left?  I love sex and none of them could give me enough of it.  I don't get it.  I am too nice I guess.
I have come to the point that I do not feel like things will ever be better.  Everyone tells me it will get better.  In my 45 years of life, it has only gotten worse.  I deal with panic attacks and anxiety.  Major depression and chronic pain.  I push myself everyday just to get something accomplished.  I'm exhausted... My body, mind and soul are so very tired.  Since I was a small child I can remember dealing with this depression.  Always and forever it has been with me, just like the Panic and Anxiety crap.  I had three weeks in the beginning of January that I felt good, then I became ill with the swelled up lymph nodes through my neck.  The depression has become extremely bad over this last week.  Going to my parents house is my last hope that I will be able to heal my body and my mind and my soul!
I know first hand that exercise helps with depression.  I forced some stretches out yesterday, but that was all I could do.  It hurts so much...  I am hoping my BF will come spend the next week with me before I go away.  That is my problem, expectations!  Even this computer is freezing up as I type, what a life!  I so hate this darkness.  I have managed to get myself in a decent mood each day for about an hour, then it all goes away again.  The problem is it takes me hours to get that one hour.  I am just so very tired and I don't see the point anymore...