Depression hits
The depression that I've known was coming hit today. It hit pretty hard this afternoon, but I'm feeling a bit better now. I know it's not over yet, I just have to figure out this schedule. If I'm going to be depressed in the afternoon and okay at night, I think I might change my sleeping schedule to where I'm awake when I'm feeling good. I also didn't have my coffee today, which I was supposed to have to give me energy and make me get out of bed, but when I woke up I felt like I didn't need it. I'm going to make sure and have it tomorrow, just to get myself back into a routine and get some energy.
I have to go back to the clinic tomorrow to get my PPD read- it's negative. I don't know if they can even see where they gave me the shot it's flat and I don't bruise easily. I haven't ever had a positive TB test, so it's nothing new. I was around a person who had non-active TB when I worked in the hospital lab, but I've had PPD's since then and they've all been negative as well.
I think I'm avoiding why I'm depressed. I think I should focus on this depression and what's causing it. The other day I knew we were going to get hit by a hurricane this year and that was going to spell the end of Geo and I, no matter what, but I think that was just the depression clouding my judgement. We could get hit by a hurricane this year, no doubt, but Geo and I have been through hard times and we can get through this. I think I'm trying to sabotage my relationship with him again. I didn't know it was that time of year already. Every year (or a couple times a year) I try and wreck everything that Geo and I have built together. I don't know why I do it, but it sucks for both of us. I love him and want to be with him, but it's so hard on me sometimes to be in a functional relationship just waiting for the dysfunction to hit. So the depression could be tied into Geo and my relationship.
It kinda makes sense, though, because when I asked myself the other day why I was depressed I got the answer "because you know what's coming." That could be tied into the depression thinking that Geo and I are going to break up, the hurricane I think is coming, and stress from bills. I figured out that I'm stressed because of my stupid college loans. I have $50,000 in loans (I went to USC) and with disability, they don't go away. They could garnish my checks by like $150. I need to figure out once I get my checks and see what I can pay if that's something that I can handle. I know they are only allowed to take a certain percentage of your check, since you do need stuff to live on, but it's still really stressful trying to figure out what to do. I thought that if I was disabled, that my student loans would be put on hold, but I guess I'm not that kind of disabled. I think I need to look into it more. There are many things that are stressing me out that I'm ignoring- like our old car. It's in the impound lot, and for all I care they can keep it, but they might be adding to our bill until we turn in the title. I think the best thing I can do for my stress is to look into this stuff and get the actual facts instead of lying in bed at night worried about what might happen.
Mood/Stress/Sleep- Stress I covered above, mood is bad because of the depression, and I got 8 hours of broken sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Food: I had macos for breakfast, some spaghetti and a Greek yogurt for lunch, some black beans for a snack and regular dinner. I'm low on calories again, but I don't know if I can bear to eat more right now. I don't want to eat and then feel like crap for eating and have to fight the temptation to purge.
I have to go back to the clinic tomorrow to get my PPD read- it's negative. I don't know if they can even see where they gave me the shot it's flat and I don't bruise easily. I haven't ever had a positive TB test, so it's nothing new. I was around a person who had non-active TB when I worked in the hospital lab, but I've had PPD's since then and they've all been negative as well.
I think I'm avoiding why I'm depressed. I think I should focus on this depression and what's causing it. The other day I knew we were going to get hit by a hurricane this year and that was going to spell the end of Geo and I, no matter what, but I think that was just the depression clouding my judgement. We could get hit by a hurricane this year, no doubt, but Geo and I have been through hard times and we can get through this. I think I'm trying to sabotage my relationship with him again. I didn't know it was that time of year already. Every year (or a couple times a year) I try and wreck everything that Geo and I have built together. I don't know why I do it, but it sucks for both of us. I love him and want to be with him, but it's so hard on me sometimes to be in a functional relationship just waiting for the dysfunction to hit. So the depression could be tied into Geo and my relationship.
It kinda makes sense, though, because when I asked myself the other day why I was depressed I got the answer "because you know what's coming." That could be tied into the depression thinking that Geo and I are going to break up, the hurricane I think is coming, and stress from bills. I figured out that I'm stressed because of my stupid college loans. I have $50,000 in loans (I went to USC) and with disability, they don't go away. They could garnish my checks by like $150. I need to figure out once I get my checks and see what I can pay if that's something that I can handle. I know they are only allowed to take a certain percentage of your check, since you do need stuff to live on, but it's still really stressful trying to figure out what to do. I thought that if I was disabled, that my student loans would be put on hold, but I guess I'm not that kind of disabled. I think I need to look into it more. There are many things that are stressing me out that I'm ignoring- like our old car. It's in the impound lot, and for all I care they can keep it, but they might be adding to our bill until we turn in the title. I think the best thing I can do for my stress is to look into this stuff and get the actual facts instead of lying in bed at night worried about what might happen.
Mood/Stress/Sleep- Stress I covered above, mood is bad because of the depression, and I got 8 hours of broken sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Food: I had macos for breakfast, some spaghetti and a Greek yogurt for lunch, some black beans for a snack and regular dinner. I'm low on calories again, but I don't know if I can bear to eat more right now. I don't want to eat and then feel like crap for eating and have to fight the temptation to purge.
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