depression/grieving.

I lost my childhood friend 8 years ago and I didn't get the chance to say what I wanted to say yet I blame myself for not saving him and his brother I just ran away took an easy way out. I had a nightmare about his death and I wake up regretting not going to save him and carry that as a scar for my heart to endure and cry silently. Even now I can't even go to his gravestone cause I know in my scar heart I can't be forgiven from him. I keep asking myself "what kind of friend am I?" I just want to see him so I'm waiting for his return even if I don't want to let go yet I'll keep waiting and endure things.