..... depression
These past couple of days have been a true struggle for me, I have been in bed not able to move just overcome with sadness and guilt. Both of my children have the same father which is my husband. He was not there at the time of the accident, I was..... so I try to talk to him and he shuts me down.... he says it’s to hard for him to hear my thoughts, my nightmares, things that drive me crazy and I have on instant replay in my head. which is understandable to a point but at the same time if I can’t lean on my husband then who do I lean on and it frustrates me sooo much... we have been non stop fighting and bickering even over the smallest things it’s so not like us but I feel so much tension and negative energy being around him it’s hard to not fight. We have recently discussed divorce but the love is still there I just don’t know if we can over come this obstacle I don’t know if I have the energy..... I told him yesterday I have no fight left in me not for him, me, this relationship just nothing I feel empty I don’t know how to move forward or not be depressed and sad all the time. I don’t know how to shut my mind off..... I can barley breath some days let alone try to fight for another person... am I wrong?
Anyone else have these issues? Anyone else take the anger, depression, sadness and just block the world out even the people you love the most? How can I stop this? How can I not be so angry? How can I fix my marriage?
I feel guilty for saying these things to him and for being mean and I burst out and flip out for no reason a lot of the time. I feel guilty for fighting with him, I feel guilty that I want him to feel the same way I feel, I feel guilty because I want him to see the same things I have seen. I feel bad and guilty and overcome with sadness that my son hears us fighting. We was legit the perfect couple everyone wishes they had. We have had disagreements but not fights like now. We have never fought in front of the children or any family.... until now.....
Replies
Hi Corrine, I'm so sorry that you and your husband are hurting so...the passing of a child is so devasting to us as individuals and of course to a couple. I have heard from many, many couples that the dads often want to avoid talking about their child's passing but the moms need to process verbally. In my case, my husband is not Ed's dad. My son is my only child and his father is my first husband. My husband Ken loves Ed..we met when Ed was 19. They had a strong bond. When Eddie passed away, Ken didn't want to talk, in fact he avoided feeling the pain. I, on the other hand, need to process verbally. I read books on grief, talked about Ed with my grandchildren & journaled. I wanted to talk to Ken but he couldn't. It bothered him to see me hurting & for men, they just want to "fix this." Well, as I told Ken, there ain't no fixing this. I realized, with help from the moms here & from my grief couselor that he is just grieving differently from me. I would urge you to keep writing here, consider grief counseling or join an 'in person" grief group such as Compassionate Friends or Griefshare. You can go online & find where the meetings are in your area. You may not be able to grieve your precious baby together, at least not yet & these places may give you a place to discuss your dear daughter and your pain.
How old is your son? I will keep all of you in my prayers. Gentle hugs, Linda, Ed's mom ♡
What you are describing is what many couples experience when such a tragedy such as losing one's child happens. Any cracks, fissures become major breaks because men and women grieve so very differently just as Linda described. I knew that I had to put the oxygen mask on my face first before I could even begin to breathe life into our relationship. My husband was very quiet with his sorrow at first because he carried such a huge and added burden of the gene of addiction coming from his side of the family. I knew this and spoke openly about it that there was no "blame" as this is a family disease and that we would carry our loss first as individuals first and then as a couple.
You are carrying that added burden now because you were home, your husband was not and he so wished he could have been, yet he was not and there was nothing you could do as it was an accident involving a family member on your side of the family. I'm sure you both need to allow your anger expression, yet NOT at one another. It is just energy passing through us, yet if not gotten out it turns into a deadly "cancer" growing from within and results in depression, fighting etc. Scream into a pillow, cry and wail in the shower, write everything out that you need to say and then burn it, get a bunch of cheap dishes at the Goodwill and smash the living daylights out of the. This might need to be repeated often as you both must get the anger out so that you are not projecting it onto one another which is the human reaction that we each turn to in times of severe distress.
As Linda said, men are "fixers" they want to be able to "solve" this problem and there is no solving this. Only living into it one breath, moment and day at a time as you are trying to do. Your husband is feeling the loss in HIS way and you are feeling it in YOURS and just as long as you keep communicating on some level. A hug, a walk in nature, a hand in his, a look of deep understanding, sitting in silence, fixing a meal together... however you both come into one another's air space it matters not, just as long as you find a way.
In the early days of my loss I brushed my teeth, I got out of bed, I exercised because I knew that was a way of elevating my mood and if anything else happened that was a bonus. I knew that if I stayed in bed I might never get out of it so for me that was not an option. My husband needed naps so he took them and I tried to do as many nurturing things for myself as I could. A hot bubble bath, a cup of my favorite tea, deep tissue massages, listening to music, reading, journaling, tending my first grandchild twice a week to keep me grounded and tethered to the circle of life to name just a few.
I am with you and I SO understand what you are describing. My husband and I weathered a tsunami and came out the other side with a deeper love than every thought possible. This June we will have been married thirty-eight years "all in a row," There is HOPE as long as you don't put expectations on one another. This is the time to go within and heal from the inside out, then you can join hearts and hands and heal together on the outside.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie/Mom of Douglas
I'm so sorry sweet friend. So sorry for ALL of it.
My husband is step-father, and it used to make me SO DAMN mad that he wasn't falling apart and "going crazy" like I was. I think my reactions were due to my desperate need for someone, anyone, to "get it" the way I did. But truth is, he just couldn't.....no one could.
I too was very angry. It's like I had all this energy, this negative, destructive energy inside and I had to release it or I would completely go insane. So, I had to find other ways in which to do that, and I did. Some suggestions: 1. Breaking dishes. Yep, I went to the dollar store and bought some cheap dishes for the sole purpose of smashing them into oblivion. 2. Punch pillows. I also punched pillows until I couldn't swing my arms any longer. 3. Join a gym. Working out has a LOT of benefits, and the gym is a good place to release a lot of energy. 4. Scream!!! OH boy was I a fantastic screamer!!! I screamed in the shower; I screamed on long walks in the woods, I screamed in my car. Anywhere I could be alone and let out the biggest, most exhausting scream possible, I would do it.
But I will say, in all honesty, the ability to come here, to journal ALL of my ugliness and hatred and bitterness and resentments and fears and guilts....all of it....and be heard by other moms who were feeling it all too, that was my greatest release and most helpful "grief technique". By me coming online and "screaming" in a journal, I found I didn't scream at my husband quite as much, LOL!
Like Joanie, my husband and I weathered the worst storm of our lives and came out on the other side stronger and more in love than ever before. So yes, I 100% agree, there IS hope and your marriage CAN survive, but it's exhausting and takes a lot of hard work. So maybe, share your "ugliness" here, and when you are with your husband you can simply say "I just need a hug", or "I just need xyz".
Much love energy and tight heart hugs being sent~
Teri
The advise you have here is right on and it will help you to get some peace. I am sending you some vibes of healing and understanding. I find re=reading helps as each day can be a different challenge. Peace and hugs. Kathy-Jennifer and Marissa's Mom.