Depressed - Got the Bit between my teeth
5Aug13 3:45am
SO, I'm depressed. My husband's mother, BE, has had her cancer return. She called and actually spoke to me (shocked that I answered even tho I always do). She was clear on two things: 1) She didn't want the cancer to be the reason we started talking again and 2) she didn't want to go over all the problems that lead to the estrangement.
#2 makes sense. She needs to focus on herself to get her thro the hell of chemo. And I'm big-hearted enough to put aside my feelings and reach out with love and support.
#1 doesn't make any sense at all. After all, we're not children, right? Why the hell cares why we start talking again. Whatever makes us start trying to heal the rift is a good things and so on.
Sadly, I think she's trying very hard to build a relationship back with her son, Matt (my husband) but not with me. Since she was in my top 4 people I love most in the world, this has been and still is crushing. In some ways, it's worse than if someone died.
Her 'reason' for pulling away from me for YEARS without ever ONCE mentioning the REASONS: She thinks I didn't do enough for her when she was sick. I mean WTF? This completely flabbergasts me. I went to see her 2 times that summer and again in xmas. Keep in mind that I was also very sick at this time and TWO of those visits resulted in ME being hospitalized because I pushed too hard and gave too much. And in almost EIGHT YEARS, she or her family have never, not once ever came to visit me while I was sick and/or in the hospital. Not once.
She says her sister and husband asked "where is Robbin" and she didn't have a good answer. And that once you know something, you can never unknow it. I couldn't agree more. Of course, I didn't have any supportive people in my life asking me such questions because I was ALONE. If my MIL cared to expend even a tiny amount of energy, she'd know I was either home sick (as she was) or in the hospital. But for some strange reason, the world must stop when SHE is sick, but the same is NOT true for me.
This hurts beyond belief! I know I already went over much of this last Aug/Sep when it happened. I can't believe it still hurts me so very much. I feel like I'm bleeding from a mortal wound.
Questions: Does this pain ever go away? How can I MAKE it go away? Maybe hit myself in the head and hope for amnesia? I don't feel I can life with this pain. The load is too heavy and I'm crumpling.
I NEED this bit out of my teeth! What is WRONG with me that after all my work, therapy, journaling, etc. I can't get rid of this selfish woman?
SO, I'm depressed. My husband's mother, BE, has had her cancer return. She called and actually spoke to me (shocked that I answered even tho I always do). She was clear on two things: 1) She didn't want the cancer to be the reason we started talking again and 2) she didn't want to go over all the problems that lead to the estrangement.
#2 makes sense. She needs to focus on herself to get her thro the hell of chemo. And I'm big-hearted enough to put aside my feelings and reach out with love and support.
#1 doesn't make any sense at all. After all, we're not children, right? Why the hell cares why we start talking again. Whatever makes us start trying to heal the rift is a good things and so on.
Sadly, I think she's trying very hard to build a relationship back with her son, Matt (my husband) but not with me. Since she was in my top 4 people I love most in the world, this has been and still is crushing. In some ways, it's worse than if someone died.
Her 'reason' for pulling away from me for YEARS without ever ONCE mentioning the REASONS: She thinks I didn't do enough for her when she was sick. I mean WTF? This completely flabbergasts me. I went to see her 2 times that summer and again in xmas. Keep in mind that I was also very sick at this time and TWO of those visits resulted in ME being hospitalized because I pushed too hard and gave too much. And in almost EIGHT YEARS, she or her family have never, not once ever came to visit me while I was sick and/or in the hospital. Not once.
She says her sister and husband asked "where is Robbin" and she didn't have a good answer. And that once you know something, you can never unknow it. I couldn't agree more. Of course, I didn't have any supportive people in my life asking me such questions because I was ALONE. If my MIL cared to expend even a tiny amount of energy, she'd know I was either home sick (as she was) or in the hospital. But for some strange reason, the world must stop when SHE is sick, but the same is NOT true for me.
This hurts beyond belief! I know I already went over much of this last Aug/Sep when it happened. I can't believe it still hurts me so very much. I feel like I'm bleeding from a mortal wound.
Questions: Does this pain ever go away? How can I MAKE it go away? Maybe hit myself in the head and hope for amnesia? I don't feel I can life with this pain. The load is too heavy and I'm crumpling.
I NEED this bit out of my teeth! What is WRONG with me that after all my work, therapy, journaling, etc. I can't get rid of this selfish woman?
Replies
I am so sorry the wound has opened for you once again.....if you ever need someone to talk to via phone send me a message I will give you my # if you wish to have someone that cares listen......hugs Robbin!
Diane