Depressed and Scared
I don't know if anybody reads this, so, I'm just going to put this out into the void of cyberspace. Today I'm depressed and scared. I'm putting down here what I want to communicate, but, don't want to burden my husband who is incarcerated.
I'm depressed and scared. My studio is in between terms and I am not sure if 2 of my students will be returning. This scares me because it's my bread and butter, and my calling. I know I'm meant to teach violin-I just need more students. One of my students wants to learn, but, her grandmother, who had been paying for her lessons has squandered the millions that were supposed to be in an educational trust fund for this granddaughter, and now they're not sure if the funds are there.
I'm scared that the bottom will fall out. Greg is locked up and it's all on me-rent, utilities, maintain a home for him to come back to, car payment. I have another job, but, physically it's challenging. I know I know, I must do whatever is necessary to survive, to be strong, to maintain. I'm just scared.
I'm scared that Greg will not survive once he's transferred. What if he's sent to a medium security facility with hardened violent criminals. That sweet man of mine would be targeted in a heartbeat. It's new years day, and I cannot get excited about a new year. A new year without my husband.
I'm scared that I won't have health coverage and my right shoulder has been aching now for about six weeks-I work as a home health aide, and when I do simple tasks like washing a person's back, it kills me. I really need to see a doctor, but cannot afford a medical bill right now.
Crying uncontrollably, which makes it hard to type. I just wish someone was here to just hold me. Tell me it's going to be okay, and that tomorrow will be a better day. I really miss my husband and I especially miss his hugs.
This next week will mark two milestones in our lives. 13 years ago is when I met Greg for the first time after chatting online for several weeks. That took place January 4 2002. Then, January 6 marks 2 months that he's been locked up-2 down, 18 months to go, God willing.
I want to try to quit smoking, but it's incredibly hard right now. Sure wish I had a beer as well. I saw this meltdown coming after the chaotic Christmas that was my family, and so, here it is.
Could use some encouragement.
I'm depressed and scared. My studio is in between terms and I am not sure if 2 of my students will be returning. This scares me because it's my bread and butter, and my calling. I know I'm meant to teach violin-I just need more students. One of my students wants to learn, but, her grandmother, who had been paying for her lessons has squandered the millions that were supposed to be in an educational trust fund for this granddaughter, and now they're not sure if the funds are there.
I'm scared that the bottom will fall out. Greg is locked up and it's all on me-rent, utilities, maintain a home for him to come back to, car payment. I have another job, but, physically it's challenging. I know I know, I must do whatever is necessary to survive, to be strong, to maintain. I'm just scared.
I'm scared that Greg will not survive once he's transferred. What if he's sent to a medium security facility with hardened violent criminals. That sweet man of mine would be targeted in a heartbeat. It's new years day, and I cannot get excited about a new year. A new year without my husband.
I'm scared that I won't have health coverage and my right shoulder has been aching now for about six weeks-I work as a home health aide, and when I do simple tasks like washing a person's back, it kills me. I really need to see a doctor, but cannot afford a medical bill right now.
Crying uncontrollably, which makes it hard to type. I just wish someone was here to just hold me. Tell me it's going to be okay, and that tomorrow will be a better day. I really miss my husband and I especially miss his hugs.
This next week will mark two milestones in our lives. 13 years ago is when I met Greg for the first time after chatting online for several weeks. That took place January 4 2002. Then, January 6 marks 2 months that he's been locked up-2 down, 18 months to go, God willing.
I want to try to quit smoking, but it's incredibly hard right now. Sure wish I had a beer as well. I saw this meltdown coming after the chaotic Christmas that was my family, and so, here it is.
Could use some encouragement.
Replies
I definitely hear ya. I know how hard this is. My fiance has been in FOUR times in the 16 years we have been together. He is an alcoholic. He gets out, tries to be good, gets depressed and starts drinking again.
I too need his hugs. He has been gone 17 months this time with 7 to go unless he gets an early release that may be possible. Then he will be home in 2 months or so. I am actually nervous about that while still wanting it to happen.
I have went through many hardships. Lost a home and car, lost jobs, not because I did anything but got laid off. Lived with NO heat for 3 winters. Had car problems, family problems, now a lot of problems with my home. Electrical system is really messed up and I am always scared my house will catch on fire. I have to water heater right now, and doubt if I got a new one, the screwed up electrical stuff would even be strong enough to let it work. It would just burn out again. My microwave died, because of it, I think. I boil water to wash dishes and take a bath, etc. He was an auto technician, and my car has broken down several times since he left.
I cry a lot. But learned to get on with life. Got a better, but not good job. I live \" ok\" now. I am 80 miles from any family. I am pretty much all alone in the world. I have learned to drive to my family more often, and not care what it costs to get there. I have learned to cope with whatever problem comes up, but it is very hard.
I figured out after he was in 3 years the last time, home 10 months, but fell apart after 3 months that I am the stronger of the two of us. He got depressed when he got out, got a job with me, and we both lost our jobs, just as we were trying to buy a new home. The house thing fell through. I feel it was a blessing. But maybe if we hadn\'t lost our job, or if we had got the house, and just found another job, he wouldn\'t of went back to drinking after being so depressed. He takes things to hard, without thinking there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss him in our home. I miss driving in the car with him. I even miss our arguments. Hell, I miss going to the store I hated, which is a home improvement retail store, where we looked at tools, wood, home renovating necessities. I thought it was BORING then.
Last night was New Years Eve. I did cry. He should of been here with me. I did cry at Christmas time. He should of been with me. But he took the noble route. He knew this probably is my dad\'s last Christmas, as he is very sick. So he told me to go to them, be with the. And not go see him for Christmas. I understood but was sad.
We are missing so many things. Big things, and small but not insignificant things.
I couldn\'t sleep in our bed for the longest time. I slept on the couch the first year. Now I do sleep in our bed, but I have to have the tv on loud, to drowned out my sad thoughts and fall asleep.
I should be used to this by now. I never will be. I want my life back, and I want to feel sure that it will be ok this time and this will never happen again.
The calls are our lifeline, but they cost so much, it takes away from things getting fixed her that I should deal with.
Don\'t be scared about him going to a minimum security place. Mine has been in them all of the times he has been in. He survived just fine. He says it is really over dramatized how they are. Mostly they are just bored.
Minimum\'s don\'t have that many horrible people in them. That\'s in the Maximum ones.
You don\'t act scared, no one will bother you. You don\'t act tough, you don\'t get in fights. You stick to yourself, or pick your few friends carefully. You sign up for classes, you go for walks with a buddy you trust, and you read, watch tv, write letters, make phone calls, and plan for your future..
I don\'t have health insurance, and haven\'t had for years. I need it. I have many problems that have popped up in the last year. I have swelling feet and ankles from being on my legs, working, too many years. I have arthritis in my knee and hip, and something wrong with my back. I hurt all the time. I have went to a free clinic, got some med\'s but they don \'t work. I think they are generalizing what is wrong with me by my age. Everyone this age has arthritis, I guess. I hurt so bad some days, it just kills me to do anything, but I have to. Everything is on me alone, too. I get it. But I am not doing as bad as I was a year ago. And that\'s how I look at it. Things are better than they were, and that\'s a good thing.
I used to drink when he was first in prison. Not much, it makes me sleepy, or weepy. I don\'t anymore. It\'s a thought, but then I think, that\'s why he is in there.
I was a home health aide for many years. I loved it. It was very rewarding, personally. But didn\'t make much money, and here, out in the country there is too much driving involved, and I can\'t afford the gas to do it. You only get paid from the first house to the second house. But if you have 2 hours in between you get no gas mileage compensation. So that job is out, and the lifting, twisting, bending, and being responsible for helping the elderly get out of bed, dressing them, some can\'t do a thing for themselves may be too much for this achy body now.
Sometimes I wonder why I stick it out. But I love the dope. And we have been together one way or another 16 years. Which is amazing for many reasons. Good and bad.
Sometimes I wonder if I hadn\'t met him what my life would be like. But then again, I would never wish I hadn\'t known him. He can be a very special man.
I have ran the whole gamut of emotions over the years of him constantly getting in trouble by drinking and driving or probation violations, such as leaving the state without a travel permit to finally see his long lost son after 20 years, which happened this last time. It was a set up, and they turned him in. The step sister \" arranged\" the reunion, when my fiance\'s son turned 21. They knew my fiance would finally find him, and talk to him, so they put it in motion, when he was at his worst point in depression. And the rest is history. He went to prison and left me again. I am sad, and sometimes mad too. I am mad at the prison he was at before for the poor excuse for therapy and treatment he got. I am mad at him for being weak, and not continuing counseling and medications for the anxiety, depression, and bi polar stuff. And I am mad at the VA Treatment Facility for not getting him in right away when he was depressed, and suicidal trying to fight his urges to drink and do things against his probation. I am mad at everything and everyone that looks down on him. I am mad because we are losing precious time.
But I love him immensely. Til the end of time.
I should quit smoking too. It kills people, it makes us smell ishy, it costs money I don\'t have. I can\'t even explain why I smoke. And he hates it.
See, I do get it. I relate to you on many levels. I have had jobs like you do. I miss mine, like you do. I have money issues because he is gone. I smoke, like you do, and know I shouldn\'t. I could say oh I think I will get drunk to numb the pain, but NOOOOOO never.
I also have meltdowns a lot. I just get out of the house when I can, and do something to distract my thoughts and to not be alone.
I am sorry you were crying when writing this. I hope you know that I get it and I wish I could help you. This site is the only way I get through it sometimes because there are so many wonderful people on here who do understand because they feel most of the same things we are feeling. No life long friends, or our relatives get it if they haven\'t lived it.
I keep going back and reading your journal. Yep, we have a lot in common. I had a reeeeally chaotic Christmas. It was not great at all. My dad is not doing well. He is 85. Everyone figures he won\'t be here next Christmas, or very long at all. So THIRTY SEVEN showed up on Christmas Eve. It was pure hell. There were some such as my kids, grandkids, parents, and one of my brothers, and a niece and nephew and their families from out of state I was happy to see. But the rest of them, I could live forever without seeing. They were rude, disrespectful to my folks, loud, and awful. I couldn\'t wait for them to GO!!!
So my friend, I hope you see you are NOT alone in this. It won\'t make your body feel the hugs you need. It won\'t get him home sooner, but I hear you loud and clear. I did read what you wrote, and I surely commiserated with you.
I come on here every night after work, and several times a day til I go to work. It makes me feel better. I don\'t know any of these people personally. May never meet any of them face to face. But we depend on each other for support and understanding. I hope this helped a bit.
Keep your chin up. Force yourself to kick yourself into gear, leave the house, go do something, take on a project that would fill your time and make you feel proud of what you did. Don\'t sit and cry, and wait alone all the time. I did that for a long time. Then finally said to myself, ENOUGH! And I sort of got a life.
Thank god for cell phone\'s so I can still go places, do things and he can still call me whenever he wants to, and he does a lot. Years ago when he was in, you couldn\'t call a cell phone from prison\'s. So I was stuck home waiting. Afraid to leave and miss his calls.
I have went from having a marriage, and decent money, nice home, to living in a trailer home, in a small town with poor paying jobs. But I learned to survive more since living this life. Not that it\'s a happy life, but I proved I could get through almost anything on my own, when I have to.
I actually went to college a few years ago, got a degree, owe a fortune and can\'t get one damn job with that degree. I am JUST a cashier, and cook at a convenience store in my very small town of less than 500 people. I came from a suburb near Minneapolis, and lived a whole different life before. But I gave that all up because I hated my then husband. He was not my soul mate. I married him way to young just to get married, like my friends were. We had two kids together, and after a few years, I didn\'t love him and I knew I couldn\'t be with him forever. But I did stick it out for almost 25 years!!!! And then when the kids were grown, it was time to divorce him. I gave up a six figure husband, nice home, to finally be free of that miserable excuse of a marriage. I met my fiance on the very night that my ex left our home for the last time. I never regretted divorcing that man, I never regretted loving my fiance with all his flaws. Loving a person that is bi polar is hard. Loving an alcoholic is REAL difficult, but I see beyond those problems and know who he is when that is all under control. Now I gotta hope when he gets out he can deal with it better.
There... did I at least distract you from your sadness for a little bit?
Just stopped by your page to say Good Morning!
Thank you. I just sent you a message.
No it is not easy. I know what you mean. I too have had melt downs. My husband has been away for 3 years we just started year number 4. It will be a long time before my husband has a chance to come home.
Night time is always the worst. At first i slept in his shirts, his pillows laid beside me and i hugged them, cried on them, etc. Was hard to get to sleep. I too fall asleep with the TV on.
I guess so far i lucky in the work area. As my employer was great when all this started with my husband and helped me along the way. If it wasn\'t for my ex boss and current boss there at work i am not sure how i would of made it as they were my support system more than anyone.
My family has basically walked away from me along with his family. So it is just me and my kids and a couple friends and my brother.
I have had a lot of health issues this year that i had to go through on my own. Which i was scare quite a few times and i let my husband know how i felt about him not being here with me right now when i needed him the most. My brother was there for me through my health issues and spent times with me in the ER and also at the hospital when i was to have surgery and had a major reaction to a medicine they gave me prior to surgery that i did think i was going to come out of it. Then the actual surgery a few weeks later.
I love my husband but there are times i am not sure i can make it through this with him as he has a long sentence. There are times i get so mad him because of what he did. Then he calls or send me an email and tells me how much he loves me and i am the only thing keeping him going everyday and the thought of possibly getting out down the road and coming home to me. This gets to me.
These are things we all go through. The main thing is do not let it get you down to the point where you can\'t come out of it on your own. Keep your chin up and i will say a prayer for you and your husband.
DO NOT QUIT SMOKING! I was trying to stop last year, then my husband was arrested and it was too stressful. I smoked 3x what I did. I know how crabby and emotional I get quitting so I thought screw it. Fighting enough right now. Hold your head up. Good days will come. I hope you get more students, if I was close by I would send my kids! I\'m a sucker for the violin, gives me chills yet what do I do? Woodwind. I was first chair clarinet in the regional orchestra. X
I am just trying to cut down. For my health, and for the expense of it. I have circulation problems and smoking makes it worse.
I don\'t know what its like in te US but e-cigs are really popular here. I have one and I use it randomly when I have an \"I can do this\" kinda day. I used it with only a morning and an evening cigarette for almost a year. I like having random sweet flavours. Was good considering I started smoking at 13 which is over 1/2 my life ago.
I know it\'s hard when the future is up in the air and you don\'t know how it will turn out.
If you are a Christian, you know that God says He will always provide.
If you don\'t have insurance, check for government subsidies. As
Far as employment goes, keep searching.
If it hurts too much to work your other job, see about getting disability (check with your doctor).
In CA, they will help pay to train you for another job, so you don\'t have to collect disability. This way, you can still have a 9 to 5 job, and still teach lessons as a supplement to your income until you can get enough students to teach full time.
Sally and thought, I am using the e cig in my new car. Lessons start back up this week,, and I\'ll be starting the term with 6 students. If things really go down the shit hole here in the US, especially if trump get\'s elected, then I have family that live in Surrey, suburb of London; may move over there. Thought, my shoulder is starting to recover-sleeping in a different position, alternating use of my arms in my job, and so, going to stick with my current home health job because it gives me some flexibility with my teaching as well as time off if there is a crisis with my elderly parents. I\'ll be fine, and I know that God is watching out for me and I have faith that I\'ll be okay for the duration. Ladies, I really appreciate all the encouragement. Peace and blessings.