Depressed and ready to give up

Im 38 years old and have suffered with depression my entire life. Ive been abandoned by my mother and raised by my grandparents. Ive been raped by family members. I was raped by a deacon in a church while he was watching over me as a kid with my father undergoing 16 surgeries in one year. When I told my parents my mother took me in front of my rapist, his wife, our pastor and his wife to make me confess to lying about the rape. Ive been gang raped left naked in the freezing cold on the side of the road and all my hair cut off.  Ive been stalked by a ex-finace serial killer who eventually murdered my father and he got away with the crime after my mother who witnessed the entire thing refused to testify against him. My family blames me for his death and I have since found out that my mother was sleeping with my ex and wanted a divorce from my father. Ive slit my wrist several times Ive tried overdosing and Ive even survived taking 25 7.5 lortabs all at one time only to be told that because of me trying to commit sucide my mother was going to take my kids away from me. After I found out that my daughter was sexually abused by a family member. I have no idea why Im still alive. I dont want to be. In the past 2 months I was diagnosed with TN and the pain in my face is horrible. I had all my teeth removed and now have dentures because we thought that was where my pain was steming from. My husband cant handle me mentally or even physically sick so I hide the pain from him and just about everyone else. Im on gabapetin for the TN but the nightmares are driving me crazy they feel so real. All I can think about is dying. Everything would be so much better if I wasnt alive. No one understands how messed up I really am. My daughter turned 18 this month and moved 20 hours away and I cant say Id blame her. I cry everyday all day. Im just sick of the struggle and the pain.