Depressed
We all go through the loss of our child, we know that pain is neverending. Yet at times we deal with it but sometimes it just hits hard again...Losing mom, except for the morning she passed, i have not shed a tear. Not sure why, I think I want to protect my doggie from more stress. I was doing pretty good this morning...The house is a mess and I don't just mean a mess it needs a good cleaning. So I asked my husband couldn't he help me..between the Motor Home and the House and my feet now to the point I can't stand the pain and he just eats and watches TV and so I am cleaning and and stopped for a moment, what does he do sits down...I say aren't you going to help clean. I mean it needs deep cleaning..He says yes, I am waiting on you...I thought you got to be kidding. Then I get where my pain in my feet are hurting so bad, I just have to stop....I asked him a couple days ago to see if he can find the heating pad. I had used it when we were home a few weeks ago, even told him where to look...He comes back not there...BS...today I go looking for it ...I figure if it was not in the hall closet it would be in the bedroom..so I move all the pillows..not there. I decide to look in the hall closet...it was nearly falling out....no excuse he did not see it the other day. Needless to say I was not happy. I ask him to look for something, if a piece of paper is laying there he won't move it to look. As bad as my feet hurt you would think he would look...So we not only have a dirty house, but the one thing I said I did not want to do was empty the Motor Home...What did he do soon as we got home,completely emptied it...I can't keep up with 2 with my feet...Then I am depressed again. Guess I am old fashioned, but my family has decided we are having Easter get-together tomorrow...Easter is Sunday..I can't figure out why we don't celebrate on the day it is...oh and by the way Sunday is also my 21st anniversary..Would have been nice if they would have celebrated that with us too...but not...and then I hung a picture of me and mom..one of our last ones together that my sweet son Brent had put on canvas...they even took the oxygen thing out of her nose before putting it on canvas...It was such a sweet gift from him, I hung it today and then my feet were hurting so bad...then the depression hit again. I can't seem to shake it..Haven't seen the kids since we got back from Fl.two weeks ago...Just feeling lonely, I guess...Miss my mom so much..I do think my feet are due to planter facia and metamasal...how to get them well. Have spent so much money. Then watched a show on TV about Killing Jesus. It's so sad what happened...so hard to watch...then they start in about trying to prove the Bible is incorrect...I feel if we don't have God to hold on to when things are bad especially how do we survive. People do but don't think I can. My body is losing muscle mass due to non exercise from these stupid feet...gotta get them well. So found this new machine out that they stop body pain.Not really much different than a Tens Machine. They wrap it around the calf and suppose that is where the nerves that send the signals to the brain, so I shall just try the Tens unit there...see what happens. Nothing going to work with the Tens if it don't stay on...Have it set to C which means it should stay on all the time...but it goes off.....I know I am just rambling...That's my mind always thinking ahead...and the keys on this key board sticking...driving me crazy too. I am sorry seems everything is bothering me...Miss my mom so much...miss my son so much....miss my family so much....Any suggestions on my feet PLEASE...Was going to PT and he said I would have to come for 4 weeks,but that was not possible...with coming home to care for mom,but that was more important...She was so sweet and caring...I miss her so much...Guess I just need to grieve....just don't want to go back there again, is that normal. The darkness and pain when Ken died, oh it is still so present...just can't get that depressed again...If you read my ramblinh journal, I am sorry. Hope your days are going okay...Sandi
Replies
My dear, sweet Sandi, let me first give you a BIG hug!!! Right now you need understanding, support and lots of TLC. You are hurting badly inside for your dear mom and your sweet son. Instead of crying, you are wearing your "I'm okay"-mask (like we all do). But the mask doesn't ease the pain! So everything around you will naturally irritate your hurting being in a very high degree. Plus I honestly believe that most men get married for the convenience, and definitely not for love!! (Sorry, this is just my opinion).
Maybe you should first take care of YOU, and let the house just be for a while. You are so precious, and right now you have a hurting body and a hurting soul. And lots of understanding and caring sisters on this suite!! It is YOU-time now!
Please take good care of yourself, dear Sandi.
Lots of loving hugs!! xxx
Physical pain adds so much to our emotional pain and hurting feet add immensely to a hurting heart. Of course you are feeling all these things with the loss of your dear mom and only do what you can and let the rest go for now.
Give yourself what YOU are needing as Andelene so wisely suggests and I'm sorry about your husband...
Gentle care your way and I hope that journaling helped because I know it does for me, getting it out somehow makes whatever it is not feel SO heavy.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I agree with the others - take care of you for a while. I had that feet thing for a while - planter-whatever. I bought a wrap for my foot at Walgreens and it seemed to help. It will pass. See if you can get outdoors for a while - paint, write, color one of those adult coloring pages - something soothing, quiet and reflective. Let the house go. Get outside and marvel in the peace.
Sandi, I agree with the other comments. You have got to take care of yourself. Sometimes men can be such butt h---s!! Tight hugs to you my Friend, Nell
Sandi, there is a great deal of love form the other comments. Now I would hire a cleaning service to come in and do a deep clean. You may be able to keep things up if you were not so depressed about your house. My hubby is almost the same as yours, he is home all day but he says he is to busy to vacuum or mop the floor. Doing what I have no clue.
Tight hugs
Penny
Oh Sandi. I am so sorry. I am with Penny. Joe tries but neither of us is a housekeeper. We finally decided to get a cleaning lady to come in from time to time. It really is easier to keep when it starts out clean and tidy. I find that men don't really see what we see. It looks fine to them.
Of course you are depressed. You just lost your precious mom, and you are in pain. Please take care of yourself.
I hope you had a peaceful Easter.
Love and hugs, Marlene
Hi Sandi, of course you are depressed; your mom just passed. It is understandable. And we know one loss brings up another so I am sure you are thinking of dearest Kenny too. I don't know what I can suggest for your feet. I would definitely give the TENS machine a good try. I buy the OTC Tens machine and they help my bad knee and back. I have less pain. Tape it on if you need to or just keep it going when you sit down.
As far as hubby, mine does the same thing. He does a lot of watching me clean. I say, kind of half joking, "That's ok, honey. I got this." My sarcasm is tension relieving for me and it keeps me from throttling him! I don't know if this is helpful but in Massachusetts we have what is called "Elder Services." I haven't needed their help yet but I opened a case with them for my elderly parent. If you qualify, they will send out "homemakers" or home health aides to do light housekeeping, shopping, laundry etc at little or no cost to the client. Just a thought. Sending you tons of love and gentle hugs, Linda
Thanks all, yes everything everyone said is true...I truly have a great husband, he does a lot..it's just men don't see what women see. I wonder why he can't see what needs to be done, but that is men i general. I know I am depressed and I know the pain is added to other things. I am not sure what will happen with my feet...The doctor I went to yesterday agreed it is my back and thinks pain management will help.....will have to wait and see. Just want to be able to do things but the pain in my feet are like open nerve pain. I pray so much that something will cause release whether in the back or whatever is creating the pain an answer will come. We get no type of assistance to help pay for anything....Thanks for all the responses. Yes I miss mom so much...I had spent so much time with her...we had developed a whole different life together....we became so close together ...we always were but it was different...and now I miss this new mom I had....we laughed, we played games, we loved each other, we shared so much....Yes it will take time but I will always miss her.