Depression is a strange thing. It can't be seen, smelt, tasted or heard, but it can be felt. For those that feel the harshness of depression no words can quite describe the pain it inflicts, the void it leaves, or the destruction it leaves in its wake.
We can't explain how we pick up the pieces after a relapse, how we find the courage and strength to get through the day, or how we can possibly fathom tomorrow. We're caught in the moment, unable to see five seconds into the future, let alone 5 hours.
Depression imbolises us, strips us of all our defences and lets us feel the full brunt of the disease. We can make plans, ensure that we eat right, take our medication, get good sleep, think positive, and some times it keeps the black dog at bay. Other times the black dog is like a tidal wave, crushing everything in its path, and the only thing that can stop its relentless onslaught is when it runs out of momentum.
I have suffered from depression for 15 years, and have never quite been able to capture what it has done to me. Some days it is like pure torture. I try to think what i could have done to provoke the beast. Am I to blame for the pain I'm feeling? I don't know. Maybe I am. Maybe it's a side effect to the diazepam... Maybe like so many stories in the Bible, God is punishing me for my sins. I probably deserve it.
I just hope this bout of depression doesn't last for 18 days, or that I have to up my medication yet again. God, give me the strength to get through this quickly.