Denial?

I just want to live a reasonably useful life until I can see J again. I am really confused and tired since I got home. I picked up trash along the road which gave me exercise and helped me feel good. I quit my job as of March 23 (end of quarter). This is the end of a 37 year career. J and I had planned on retiring together in June. I am doing a terrible job at work which I hate and I get  mad at little things, not the kids so much , I'm used to them, -but the staff. They seem so together while I run to the bathroom and cry between classes or cry bhind my Smartboard. I don't know when I've felt so lost.I yelled at the principal the other day and had to apologise. I don't really understand what is going on. Am I in denial to just try to shape my life around seeing J again? I just can't go on if I won't see him again. I am tired. I can't get across to anyone how confused I feel. I tell people at work I feel fabulous, never been better since that is what they want to hear. I am nuts.