Denial
I think I have figured out why I am feeling oK and why I am functioning so well. I am still in denial. I have to constantly remind myself that Toby has gone but I realise that my mind can't quite beleive it. I also realise that I might feel this way forever.
I was watching a TV programme last night about a 16 yr old girl that had been murdered. Everygthing her mother said I could relate to even though my loss was due to suicide. The loss was 10 years ago but the mother says she still half expects it to all be a mistake and that her daughter will walk through the door. She describes it as living in a nightmare that you never wake up from.
I want to think I will go on and have a happy life, but does that mean I have to 'block out' the fact that Toby has gone.
I guess the goal is to find a place in my heart where I can keep him and remember the love and the laughter, but still know that he has gone away and I cant see him.
He will be frozen at the age of 23, I will never see him age and grow.
I didn;t realise grief could be so complex and our complex human brains are working overtime like a computer trying to perform a complex task. I realise how amazing humans are that we can suffer such an intense loss and feel such intense pain and yet our hearts keep beating and pumping blood to our major organs and we keep going.
If someone had asked me 2 months ago how I would react if Toby had committed suicide I would have bee 200 per cent certain that I would not be able to go on. I would have been certain that I would have been so devastated that I would not be able to function, but here I am functioning.
One of my favorite authors is Susan Jeffers and she advocates using affirmations and one of my favorites is 'Whatever happens I'll handle it'. I used to quote it to people who were afraid of losing their jobs in this recession, not knowing that I would have to put this affirmation to the ultimate test.
I guess I have proved that 'Whatever happens I can handle it', but at what cost?
My fear is that now 5 weeks in my grief hasn't even begun to hit me, as it doesn't seem real. I watched a recording of my son's funeral and it was like I was watching someone else standing up and saying his eulogy.
Maybe that is the only way we can cope by knowing they are gone but not fully believing it at the core of our being. If I shut my eyes I can try and imagine he is just away somewhere where they don't have email or phones. I suppose this is true, he is away somewhere where they don't have email or phones, but I can talk to him in my mind and write him letters.
I just pray that I will feel his presence near me forever, I am afraid of forgetting the sound of his voice. I can look at photos but I don;t have any videos of him.
I miss him so much.
I was watching a TV programme last night about a 16 yr old girl that had been murdered. Everygthing her mother said I could relate to even though my loss was due to suicide. The loss was 10 years ago but the mother says she still half expects it to all be a mistake and that her daughter will walk through the door. She describes it as living in a nightmare that you never wake up from.
I want to think I will go on and have a happy life, but does that mean I have to 'block out' the fact that Toby has gone.
I guess the goal is to find a place in my heart where I can keep him and remember the love and the laughter, but still know that he has gone away and I cant see him.
He will be frozen at the age of 23, I will never see him age and grow.
I didn;t realise grief could be so complex and our complex human brains are working overtime like a computer trying to perform a complex task. I realise how amazing humans are that we can suffer such an intense loss and feel such intense pain and yet our hearts keep beating and pumping blood to our major organs and we keep going.
If someone had asked me 2 months ago how I would react if Toby had committed suicide I would have bee 200 per cent certain that I would not be able to go on. I would have been certain that I would have been so devastated that I would not be able to function, but here I am functioning.
One of my favorite authors is Susan Jeffers and she advocates using affirmations and one of my favorites is 'Whatever happens I'll handle it'. I used to quote it to people who were afraid of losing their jobs in this recession, not knowing that I would have to put this affirmation to the ultimate test.
I guess I have proved that 'Whatever happens I can handle it', but at what cost?
My fear is that now 5 weeks in my grief hasn't even begun to hit me, as it doesn't seem real. I watched a recording of my son's funeral and it was like I was watching someone else standing up and saying his eulogy.
Maybe that is the only way we can cope by knowing they are gone but not fully believing it at the core of our being. If I shut my eyes I can try and imagine he is just away somewhere where they don't have email or phones. I suppose this is true, he is away somewhere where they don't have email or phones, but I can talk to him in my mind and write him letters.
I just pray that I will feel his presence near me forever, I am afraid of forgetting the sound of his voice. I can look at photos but I don;t have any videos of him.
I miss him so much.
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