Denial
I think I have figured out why I am feeling oK and why I am functioning so well. I am still in denial. I have to constantly remind myself that Toby has gone but I realise that my mind can't quite beleive it. I also realise that I might feel this way forever.
I was watching a TV programme last night about a 16 yr old girl that had been murdered. Everygthing her mother said I could relate to even though my loss was due to suicide. The loss was 10 years ago but the mother says she still half expects it to all be a mistake and that her daughter will walk through the door. She describes it as living in a nightmare that you never wake up from.
I want to think I will go on and have a happy life, but does that mean I have to 'block out' the fact that Toby has gone.
I guess the goal is to find a place in my heart where I can keep him and remember the love and the laughter, but still know that he has gone away and I cant see him.
He will be frozen at the age of 23, I will never see him age and grow.
I didn;t realise grief could be so complex and our complex human brains are working overtime like a computer trying to perform a complex task. I realise how amazing humans are that we can suffer such an intense loss and feel such intense pain and yet our hearts keep beating and pumping blood to our major organs and we keep going.
If someone had asked me 2 months ago how I would react if Toby had committed suicide I would have bee 200 per cent certain that I would not be able to go on. I would have been certain that I would have been so devastated that I would not be able to function, but here I am functioning.
One of my favorite authors is Susan Jeffers and she advocates using affirmations and one of my favorites is 'Whatever happens I'll handle it'. I used to quote it to people who were afraid of losing their jobs in this recession, not knowing that I would have to put this affirmation to the ultimate test.
I guess I have proved that 'Whatever happens I can handle it', but at what cost?
My fear is that now 5 weeks in my grief hasn't even begun to hit me, as it doesn't seem real. I watched a recording of my son's funeral and it was like I was watching someone else standing up and saying his eulogy.
Maybe that is the only way we can cope by knowing they are gone but not fully believing it at the core of our being. If I shut my eyes I can try and imagine he is just away somewhere where they don't have email or phones. I suppose this is true, he is away somewhere where they don't have email or phones, but I can talk to him in my mind and write him letters.
I just pray that I will feel his presence near me forever, I am afraid of forgetting the sound of his voice. I can look at photos but I don;t have any videos of him.
I miss him so much.
I was watching a TV programme last night about a 16 yr old girl that had been murdered. Everygthing her mother said I could relate to even though my loss was due to suicide. The loss was 10 years ago but the mother says she still half expects it to all be a mistake and that her daughter will walk through the door. She describes it as living in a nightmare that you never wake up from.
I want to think I will go on and have a happy life, but does that mean I have to 'block out' the fact that Toby has gone.
I guess the goal is to find a place in my heart where I can keep him and remember the love and the laughter, but still know that he has gone away and I cant see him.
He will be frozen at the age of 23, I will never see him age and grow.
I didn;t realise grief could be so complex and our complex human brains are working overtime like a computer trying to perform a complex task. I realise how amazing humans are that we can suffer such an intense loss and feel such intense pain and yet our hearts keep beating and pumping blood to our major organs and we keep going.
If someone had asked me 2 months ago how I would react if Toby had committed suicide I would have bee 200 per cent certain that I would not be able to go on. I would have been certain that I would have been so devastated that I would not be able to function, but here I am functioning.
One of my favorite authors is Susan Jeffers and she advocates using affirmations and one of my favorites is 'Whatever happens I'll handle it'. I used to quote it to people who were afraid of losing their jobs in this recession, not knowing that I would have to put this affirmation to the ultimate test.
I guess I have proved that 'Whatever happens I can handle it', but at what cost?
My fear is that now 5 weeks in my grief hasn't even begun to hit me, as it doesn't seem real. I watched a recording of my son's funeral and it was like I was watching someone else standing up and saying his eulogy.
Maybe that is the only way we can cope by knowing they are gone but not fully believing it at the core of our being. If I shut my eyes I can try and imagine he is just away somewhere where they don't have email or phones. I suppose this is true, he is away somewhere where they don't have email or phones, but I can talk to him in my mind and write him letters.
I just pray that I will feel his presence near me forever, I am afraid of forgetting the sound of his voice. I can look at photos but I don;t have any videos of him.
I miss him so much.
Replies
I remember 5 weeks...I was a wreck..but still I want Morgan to call, text, walk through the door..I keep her smile in my heart,it helps fill the whole in my heart..peace to you,,nora
SO understand your feelings, your thoughts. I remember in the beginning thinking, even though knowing the truth, but thinking Kala was just gone on a vacation, that soon she\'d be home again. I guess for a little while I needed to hold onto that thought... 5 weeks is such a short time my friend, there are MANY emotions and thoughts yet to experience in this process...let them come and work through each of them in ways that is healthy and productive and best for you.
For me, it is my deep \"knowing\" that Kala is still KALA...still vital, still alive, still seeing and doing and learning and with me...which keeps me going. I no longer imagine her on vacation...I know she is living this part of her life in spirit...in truth. She\'s not \"gone\", she IS changed. I wouldn\'t have chosen this change, do not like this change for my own selfish reasons, but I do know that I know that I know that I know, KALA is OK and is still a very active participant in my life.
\"Whatever happens, I can handle it\"....I like that....it is what I know to be true for me.
Dear Toby, I ask that you surround your mom with your loving presense and reassure her that you are OK...more than OK. Speak to her in such a way that she will have no doubt it is in fact you. Let her know in her heart of hearts that you ARE and forever shall be TOBY. I hope you\'ve met my Kala by now, if not, try to find her...she\'s pretty cool...
Hello Ann,
I liked that quote as well...whatever happens I can handle it.....I might put that up in my status today...he he for others to see for them self.
I enjoyed so much to read what is in your heart of thoughts right now. So hard to deal with so much and with understanding. Everyone has their ways in dealing with so much like this. But I do know for a fact....your not alone.....and he is continuing onward.....and he would want you too as well. Be confidant, you will see him again.....just for now....it will be through dreams....or a \'feeling\' of his presence around you at times.
I hope you know.....we are all here.....and so glad you are talking about this, and releasing, and visiting with us all......and thats not denial.....thats looking at your life and his.....and thats a good thing. To me, anyways Ann.
Each to their own climb from these things in their own way.........we all do go on and have to have faith.......that its like they went on vacation and one day........we will cross over too....and see them all that left us from before.....our time....to. So, breathe in and breathe out....I look forward to hearing your stories, what you hold cherish in your heart and memories.....and to your climb with you taking care of, YOU.....always.
Blessings to you with our shoulders here always and our eyes glued to waiting for you to speak again. We are here....
Ann, I never saw my son again after his last visit to our home...not even at the funeral home ....he was cremated...I was a coward to not ask if he was viewable...which I was told much later that he was...and no one had the guts to say a thing...I just have that memory of him as my healthy boy/man with deep dimples and a distinctive laugh.....I have him on video throughout his life and yet I am too sad to watch it. So, you may not have a video or a recording of his voice or face...but believe me, I don\'t think it is possible to forget them ever and you may not even be able to handle watching the video even if you had one.
I have to give everything over to God in this matter. He knows the purpose for our lives...and he knows the big picture. We must trust Him in everything but especially this. I know I could not handle this without my faith in God. I pray you will have peace in knowing that \"to everything there is a season...a time to live, a time to die...\" for all of us...and quite contrary to popular belief...we sometimes outlive our children even though we think there is an order of ages that determines our life expectancy....it has NEVER been that way....even the first couple lost both of their sons...Cain killed Able and then lived aimlessly in the land of Nod for his whole life. King David (a man after God\'s own heart) lost 3 sons....and then there is Mary and Joseph.....
You may be in denial but these phases of grief are all out of order and come from no where throughout our lives....I am two years into it and still have hours of disbelief....anger....depression....etc....but the intensity of heart wrenching pain has decreased....otherwise, certainly this grief could kill us. Sorry for the long post...I hope you will have a peaceful weekend...that love will surround you and you will continue to be a comfort to others. Love, Dale...Brandon\'s Mom
I think part of me is still in denial as well. Mike was in prison for a year and was only out a month before he died. Now it feels like he\'s gone again but I still have a feeling of anticipation of him coming home.
I think that the numbness....the denial is to protect us from the most horrific thing that has ever happened to us. And you are so right it is so much to process. We process it day and night, awake or asleep for years...and gradually what happens is that you learn to live with your child\'s absence. You don\'t like it...it isnt the way your world should be...but you have to do what you have to do...and somehow you find your way. So as the roller coaster ride continues...know that we are here to hold your hand...love and hugs...Karen
I was told by my grief couseler that there is no order to grief. Nothing follows one step to another. I truly believe that. The stages come and go and may return. Your still in shock, belief may come and hit you like a big rock or it will just creep in. As mother I believe we can handle anything but why this......I don\'t believe time will heal. We just come to except fact.
I know right now nothig makes any sense, but believe it or not this is normal. ( we all have a new normal now)
Big Bear Hug: Penny
My chaplain supervisor told our group that denial can be a very healing and positive coping mechanism for awhile. It feels to be like a gigantic shock absorber to my soul and I fall into it whenever I need to. If any of us tried to absorb this horrific loss all at once we would implode so just allow it to come in slowly and in time somehow we learn how to integrate this loss into our lives now. I\'m not sure how this happens yet it does. Your heart will never forget your precious Toby and I understand your worry over not remembering how he feels, his hugs, his voice, laugh, mannerisms. I just don\'t think this is possible for mothers to ever forget... Gentle care this day. Love, Joanie