Define Beaten

It has now been seven months since I had visitation with my kids.  It has been three weeks now and not a word from my lawyer.  I dont blame him,,,, I cant afford to pay him right now.  Not like my ex who is bank rolled by my child support and by her parents.  I am not to sore at her. I mean she gets the satisfaction of keeping my kids away from me.  A third of all my income is hers.  She is free to spend and play all she wants.  She can bring anyone around my kids.  I have absolutely no recourse what so ever.  My aa friends said things would get better stayin sober.  Well I have been sober for 5 months and not a thing has gotten any better.  I still dont have my kids.  I am broke as can be. I am more lonely now than I have been at any period of my life.  The only thing better is my understanding of pain and loneliness.  I suppose If I stay sober for the next twenty years I will look back and say WOW!  All of this because I did not drink.  My kids dont have a dad.  I am one paycheck away from being homeless.  Consequences!!!!  Call it self pitty.  I call it the facts.  I am FUCKED!!!!! And not the good kind!!  Atleast I still have my since of humor.  I can laugh all the way to the assylum.  That is where I am sure I am headed.  That or an early grave.  I need to keep some hope left.  There is little to find.  not sure where this will end up.  I have not been happy in so long.  I wonder how long a perons and cope with this kind of thing before they crack.  Maybe I am meant to suffer likewise.  My only good point is the fact that I can be honest with myself.  All this crap contiues to happen.  So be it.  I will not drink.  Cold in the ground I will be a sober corpse.