Decisions... decisions...

Well, that's a pretty deep subject. A hole in the ground!
Time has come to face some tuff choices. I need to choose between internet services, or saving up for a much needed transportation.
To date local transportation has been a nitemare. Really it's stressful, it's uncomfortable, down rite scary sometimes. Each time I use the services, I suffer extreme pain for next couple of days. 
These vechicles are bouncy, small seats, with seat belt latches welded to the bench seat.  Well if ya small it aint so bad. Butt  if ya wide like me, Pontica butt...yeah all 472 pounds.. it's a terror.
I'm most disappointed with myself.  Yesterdays doctor appointment, reveals a weight gain...yet again.. just boggles my old brain.  I have made some serious changes in my diet. Kind of food I eat, smaller amounts, I've struggled through this cold winter house bound...
I hate house bound, then the dam van broke.  Why cant things break while the weather is nice?
So long story short... I'm freakin out!  Yeah, I don't even know who I am any more... That person of yesteryear... that was so sure of himself.. now it looks like he was just full of it...The more immoble I become.. the more I'm forced to rely on others for help...Frankly I don't like the help I get... most the time it comes with strings attached... on their terms...
In my youth I seen this happen to older folks, ones with disabilities... forced into submission by well meaning family members...I could see a lose of self in these folks that were in need...I told myself I'd never treat any one that way...!
So over the years I've tried to help without terms or strings attached... I simply did it because someone I knew or loved needed help...
i always had a hope that since what goes around comes around... those good deeds would someday come around in my hour of need...
Sometimes I wanna just holler at my kids.. Hey dang guys.. what up with this...?
Dad needs some help over here.. yeah.. I need money.. I need some support with the needs of your brother I'm caring for... whine ... whine ... whine...
Well two outta four aint bad rite.. I'm just a little put off at the one that always comes around for help from dad... is no where to be found when dad needs help...dang boy wont even text me....to say hey how you dad? thinkin bout you dad...nada... zipp...
Yepp second childhood.. big ole baby...
even though I know my son is workin his tail off to provide for his family... guess I'm just lonely for something we lost in the mail...the connection between father and son...
mixture of druggs and rebellion... and a crazy world I don't even understand... I'm so proud of him.. clean and sober ...he's married now... two kids.. he's a wonderful dad... sometimes he works three parttime jobs... paying off a huge student loan... struggling thru life best he can... and I'm over here whining cause he don't come by say hi dad... don't text...
but he can use my van.. tools .. counsel me on his beliefs of religious nature... speciall that wife of his.. gets over bearing... like I should just bowdown to them and their bible baning bull chit... hey did I say that out loud.. Yeah I did...jeesh...sad sack of an old fart.. aint i...?
Well I'm ventin it all out.. cause I'm left with deciding when to turn off my cable.. and internet services... yeah...that be an extra 100 dollars a month I could put back for another old junker to haul my big Texas size butt around...
Course I'm gonna have to hunker down... cut out even more goodies like.. ordering Pizza when I am just too...
yeah  last nite I was to achey to cook...just rode in that darn bouncy old county transit... Ouch...!  I still hurt like billy blue blazes.. and I've got to go for another ride today...
I'm gonna miss this DS... only place I use on the internet much.. oh I check out face book cause my daughters use it, and lots of my class mates.. friends... can see em.. kinda like being there ya know.. don't really have to say nothing... just knowing they there ... and they are alright..
This sure is a Me complex...
Frankly I feel cheated, in ways I can't even get a grasp on.
My mom abandon me when I was only 3 months old...there was two of us.. my older brother and I...well countin Dad.. guess there was three...
Story goes she took off while dad was at work... he comes home finds his two sons alone... has no idea what the heck happen... or what to do...
He never really went into detail.. but it was not a happy time for dad ... I grew up believing my step mom was my  mom... and a good mom she was...
then my Mom came along and tore that all to hell... yepp her and her Mom put my dad thru the ringer...Like he was at fault just because he was a poor Mississippi farmer...
jerked out of the only loving Family I'd ever known ...forced against my will to live in Texas... I begged to go home.. so Mom sent me to live with Her MOM... !  OH JOY!...
For years I wondered how could a person Love you ... try to beat you to death and expect you to belive they Love you...?
i struggled with this ... for many years... thought I had found a happy medium.. a safe place between the ying and yang of an abusive childhood...
I watched.. and learned... and applied that knowledge to being a better person...i battled the anger and haterd in my heart...and the empty loneliness it creates in one's heart and soul...
I whupped that bugger into submission.. yepp.. for a while... I was at peace...even with my mom and grandmother... as one sided as it was... I have no regrets...
Then bam... Last winter for reasons I have not been able to figure out... it all comes roaring back.. flash backs of the beating... pain and anger at the mistakes I'd made.. everything was my fault all over again...the trigger was a 1966 ford mustang... of all  things to set me off.. was my old car...
My grandmother sold my car while I was in Bootcamp.. yepp... while I was going through basic training for the Air Force... she sold my car for 500 dollars.. I paid her 1200 ... not counting giving her my paycheck for a year.. jeesh.. that was so low...
Guess I never had a chance... I believed I did... I sure as heck tried to over come my past... but just like joining the  Air Force.. I was running... all my life I've been running... and I have no Idea to where....!
Lump sum of my life is based on a misguided sense of self...I've been a good person.. as best as i could.. if you don't count the smoking drinking, chasing skirts...
Then I found religion again... much like my son and his wife... I married a girl from that congergation...I banged the bible at my grandmother...sound feelmillyar?
I put my heart and soul into my marriage... I was faithful.. maybe to a fault... but none the less  I kept it in my pants.. and I hoped my spouse would do the same... then the rumors start... I ignored em.. grandma always said you shouldn't believe any thing you hear or half what you see...to not let your left hand know what the right hand is doing... heck of a way to make decision on about life...
Well we know how all that ended... the years of my abusive childhood and my lack of knowledge about how to take care of my self ...i became unable to work and earn gainful employment at the young age of 38... I had compacted disc in my neck from hanging sheetrock and using my head to hold it against the ceiling as i nailed it...compacted disc in my lower back from carrying over 300 pounds at a time .. once I hauled six 90 pounds of concrete...three on each shoulder just to prove to some kid I could out do him... got a hernia outta that one...
I settled up with my Mom before she has a stroke in 93... she was gone at 64...then the rest of my parent followed in then next three years... I lost so many so soon...even in her death my grandmother found a way to hit me with one more blow... she disinherited me ... refused to acknowledge my youngest son  because I name him after my dad.. and granddad...(her first husband) so she found away to hit me one more time...make me feel so stupid for changing my name... and causing my mom and dad the pain of the adoption they had me convinced was because they wanted me to be or feel they loved me like a son.. how do you put that into thought?
All this and things I can't even explain...emotions that are beyond description...mental pain... and physical pain...and the last most degrading feeling... a second class citizen... a burden on society...
All came crashing down... last winter... and this winter  it hasn't been any easier... I see a lot of people that has it so much worst than I... I'm truly blessed... yet I'm torn...
my broken dreams, and tear stained pillow are all I have...too offer my four wonderful children..
The thought of having to give up my only simple vice... is over whelming...yet the need for independance of providing simple things for my son and myself is so important too...
The anti-Christ moves in the light... not the shadows...I see this ... and i watch...I want to warn the World... but I must not... this is a discovery each of us must make for oursleves...
This greedy ever changing world isn't what I signed up for...where our government can tell us how to think.. what to buy.. what not to buy... where Oil, Banks, and Insurance companies rule the Hill...where health care is about how much money can be earned in profit rather than the Cure...
Yes the World is changing... I'm not good at change... not good at compermising...not good at being alone...beaten ..in pain...afraid... belittled... and forgotten...
I have to decide by the 15 of this month what to do...how to do it...
I must face the Fear... most of all the Fear.. for there is nothing to fear but fear itself... It use to be easier... I was stronger...  so sure of myself... Now  it's so different...
pray for me...this is the toughest time I've ever had...
sorry this is so ....lame... i guess.. see I feel bad just trying to vent.. don't want to cause anyone to feel bad... not looking for pity... just needed to get some of these feeling out... look at em....fight em... find a reason to defeat them... or get them under control... for a while again...
 

Replies

maelynn
maelynn

I think we think more of are past now because of are health is holding us hostage... befor we were allways so busy that when all this crap we had to deal with popped up we could just dismiss it.. now we can`t.. sorry you have to leave DS.. wish there was another way.
I know how hard it is not to be able to get around I allso and stuck in the house and have to have my kids take me places. when they have time they are realy busy, hopefully you can get your car fixed soon.. hang in there . and take care, ann
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Russ. I came across your venting here and I too have fibromyalgia that made me have to quit working after a 30 yr. career as a pediatric nurse. I hear your humor coming through and that\'s a good thing in my book. Also I believe being good to ppl will come back and reward you someday if you have to wait until the next world, heaven. You are in my prayers and I hope if you do leave you can come back after you get your own wheels. Hope you don\'t mind a comment from someone who\'s not a friend yet but I just came back to DS after being gone a couple of years and only have one friend who found me to ask nursing medical questions. Hang in there and keep that humor close. Cindi
deleted_user
deleted_user

I will miss you Russ.
sunshine521
sunshine521

(((((((((hugsss)))))))))) my friend...even though we don\'t talk like we use to you will be missed dearly if you leave :( I know you have to do what is best but I hope you will find a way to stay in touch with some updates here and there. So sorry you are having such a rough time I will be thinking of you as I always do and wishing you all the best. Prayers coming your way.....Take care of you!!!
Dejablu
Dejablu

Russ if you are still here please know that I will be praying for you. Every thing that you mentioned in your journal I will be praying to heal. I\'am with you in my thoughts and I hope that you will be able to come back. You are one of the best friends that I have ever had here in DS. I will miss you something awful.
God be with you my dear buddy friend.
Rachel
Pam730
Pam730

Prayers,Russ. I hope that Life treats you better and that you can find your way back here one day. You\'re a special person and you will be missed by so many of us.
Blessings,friend~ Pam