Decisions
So, we're coming to the end of our second round of Femara. No monitoring, timed intercourse. I will be 16dpo on Sunday, so I'm going to test that morning.
But I'm just not feeling it.
And I really just don't know what to do next.
On Clomid, I was a nutcase. Femara has been easier. I don't really have any side effects. Other than it seems to be impacting my sex drive. Which is affecting my husband. We have been married for 5 years and have always had a very healthy sex life. And this month I've had to make myself be interested - which is very unlike me. So, I don't like that...and I know DH doesn't either.
I'm having a harder time emotionally, though. I don't think it has anything to do with side effects. Just that knowing that we have all of the components present, right time, right place...and still nothing.
So then my mind starts racing down all of the possibilities and the road each one would put us on.
If we know we have eggs and we have sperm and we know they are able to get to each other...and it's still not working...then either something else is wrong somewhere or God just doesn't want me to be a mother.
If something else is wrong somewhere, that means we need to figure out what. But that costs money and we don't have it. So, dead end.
If God just doesn't want me to be a mother....well, then there is nothing I can do about that except wonder what is so wrong with me.
Both options just make me cry because it seems so hopeless.
Then I try to remember and tell myself some things I've learned over the last 6 months. That God loves me and of course He wants me to be a mother. When things seem hopeless and we can't see a way out, that's when it is time to have faith. Because God does see a way out.
Some days it is SO hard to hold on that faith and trust. Especially when I'm facing another failed month. Every moment is a struggle to calm the anxiety and hold on to the trust.
Right now I have to decide whether to do another cycle of Femara or take a month off. I'm leaning towards taking a month off. I think DH needs me to be interested in sex again for a while. It's starting to wear on us and I think it would be good for our relationship. Also, my due date is coming up next month - day before mother's day. I'll probably be reaching the end of my cycle right around then. Which is going to be hell anyway. I'm not sure I want to make it worse by reaching the end of another failed medicated cycle right then. It's going to be hard enough to deal with.
But then there's the fear that comes with worrying about wasting a month. I'm coming up on 36. There's not a lot of time. Can I afford to waste it?
I'm reminded that God speaks only peace to our hearts. Fear cannot exist with faith. So if a decision is motivated by fear, it is probably not the one God wants us to choose, is it? I need to make a decision based on faith and peace.
But I'm just not feeling it.
And I really just don't know what to do next.
On Clomid, I was a nutcase. Femara has been easier. I don't really have any side effects. Other than it seems to be impacting my sex drive. Which is affecting my husband. We have been married for 5 years and have always had a very healthy sex life. And this month I've had to make myself be interested - which is very unlike me. So, I don't like that...and I know DH doesn't either.
I'm having a harder time emotionally, though. I don't think it has anything to do with side effects. Just that knowing that we have all of the components present, right time, right place...and still nothing.
So then my mind starts racing down all of the possibilities and the road each one would put us on.
If we know we have eggs and we have sperm and we know they are able to get to each other...and it's still not working...then either something else is wrong somewhere or God just doesn't want me to be a mother.
If something else is wrong somewhere, that means we need to figure out what. But that costs money and we don't have it. So, dead end.
If God just doesn't want me to be a mother....well, then there is nothing I can do about that except wonder what is so wrong with me.
Both options just make me cry because it seems so hopeless.
Then I try to remember and tell myself some things I've learned over the last 6 months. That God loves me and of course He wants me to be a mother. When things seem hopeless and we can't see a way out, that's when it is time to have faith. Because God does see a way out.
Some days it is SO hard to hold on that faith and trust. Especially when I'm facing another failed month. Every moment is a struggle to calm the anxiety and hold on to the trust.
Right now I have to decide whether to do another cycle of Femara or take a month off. I'm leaning towards taking a month off. I think DH needs me to be interested in sex again for a while. It's starting to wear on us and I think it would be good for our relationship. Also, my due date is coming up next month - day before mother's day. I'll probably be reaching the end of my cycle right around then. Which is going to be hell anyway. I'm not sure I want to make it worse by reaching the end of another failed medicated cycle right then. It's going to be hard enough to deal with.
But then there's the fear that comes with worrying about wasting a month. I'm coming up on 36. There's not a lot of time. Can I afford to waste it?
I'm reminded that God speaks only peace to our hearts. Fear cannot exist with faith. So if a decision is motivated by fear, it is probably not the one God wants us to choose, is it? I need to make a decision based on faith and peace.
Replies
I am so sorry you\'re struggling right now. IF really takes a toll on us, emotionally and physically :-( I am still hopeful that Sunday will bring you a miracle, so until then or proved otherwise, try not to worry too much about next steps and what ifs. And I assure you there is NOTHING wrong with you....well I\'m sure there is plenty wrong with all of us haha but there is nothing that makes you undeserving of being a mommy.
I am praying for you, thinking of you and sending you all kinds of good ju ju :)
XOXO
Sorry friend. IF is so hard. Thinking about you!
I understand time is of the essence here, but if you feel like you need a break, in the grand scheme of the things, one month is not going to make that big of a difference, and could make you feel so much more refreshed to start up again. It also gives you a chance to see if it\'s the meds crashing your sex drive or the pressure of ttc. I lost interest in sex when i realized it wasn\'t doing what it was supposed to be doing. When it becomes about making babies and not about the connection with eachother, it\'s really easy to lose the desire, especially when we\'re feeling broken on the inside.
Does your insurance cover any kind of testing? Mine is not supposed to, but based on how some things were coded i was able to get some bloodwork and my HSG covered by my insurance. Insurance even covered my surgery to see if I had endo. I\'m still paying off my deductible, but it could\'ve been worse. Insurance also covered my first consultation appointment with my RE because i was referred by my OB. Just some further options. So sorry this isn\'t working for you :-( You are in my thoughts.
Thank you ladies. I keep telling myself not to jump to conclusions and just wait until Sunday, but I really just don\'t feel like I am pregnant. I know every pregnancy is different, but the absence of sore boobs really makes me think no. My boobs don\'t really get sore, but the month I was pregnant, I couldn\'t even touch them they hurt so bad.
Anyway, our insurance is infuriating. Our policy provides for excellent infertility coverage. We, however, were denied because DH has had a vasectomy and subsequent reversal. I just spent half an hour on the phone with them finding out how to appeal it. But honestly, I don\'t anticipate them changing their minds.
They will cover any and all testing, but no procedures. So no IUI\'s or IVF. So far, they\'ve covered my HSG, all of our bloodwork, etc. I\'m really not sure what other tests are left that we haven\'t done, other than a lap to check for endo.
Right now, I\'m thinking I\'m going to take a month off of medication. Send in our appeal. I\'m also leaning towards consulting with a different RE and really pushing the lap. Since the insurance should cover it, I\'d rather be certain that isn\'t a factor before paying out of pocket for any IUI\'s. The last RE blew me off about endo concerns, but I have this gut feeling that it could be an issue. Or maybe I\'m just hoping, so that there is a reason for all of this.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. It helps so much.
You said that so beautifully that God only speaks peace to our hearts.
I\'m reminded of when Robin Roberts (Good Morning America) was battling a potentially terminal illness and she said in an article subsequent to treatment something along the lines of----When Fear would come knocking at the door, I would let Faith answer it. I thought that was so powerful.
What struck me the most about your journal is the feeling that there is no way on this earth that God doesn\'t want you to be a mom. But I know that\'s where our minds go. My mind goes there as well on my own journey. It\'s sort of an easy go-to place. As destructive as a thought as it is.
We all know that it doesn\'t work that way---that only \"deserving\" moms get babies otherwise drug addicts and violent women would not get pregnant.
I often think that women who have miscarriages are among the elite. Maybe this sounds self-serving and egotistical...I don\'t intend it in that way. But I think experiencing pregnancy and then loss of that pregnancy is a very sacred, albeit excruciating, process. And I have walked away feeling honored to have carried these babies even for the short time they were here. I feel there is purpose in this for me and for them.
Also when I find myself having \"punitive\" God thoughts.....I remind myself that God is in the business of creating life...not eliminating it. And even though I am not a deeply \"religious\" person I do have spiritual beliefs. And I do believe that God is shedding tears with us on these journeys.
I just think He doesn\'t pull all the puppet strings to make things happen. If that was the case, only good things would happen and never bad.
I like your idea to take a month off......I know I have been in that position too and have thought with my age (I\'m coming up on 41) that it would be so crucial to miss one month. But objectively I can tell you (and agree with Nelly) that it is not. It is a drop in the bucket when you look at the big picture of time.
I have also used the Groundhog Day movie reference to my own journey. The disappointment month after month. Or the experience of loss after loss. It starts to feel surreal and like there is no other ending to the story.
Know that you are thought of and supported in spirit. And so very deserving of having a child conceived and born to you.