decision

I'm thinking I'm gonna have to suck it up and go to the ER again.  I don't think I can keep myself safe at home any more.  I hate this...I don't want to be in this position.  But right now my brain is obsessed with what can I take, what can I do, that will kill me.  I really thought the other night that by cutting and needing stitches I'd get all that stuff outta my head...but it backfired...now I think about it even more.  I can't chance ending up on the unit my friend is on...yes I think she's a great friend...but right now...I know we'd bring each other down more then lift each other up.  So if I go to the ER...I'm going to have to mention my concerns there.  Part of me thinks it would just be easier to take an od and just give up...but I can't do that.  It's never ended up working for me before...I'm still here...so what's the point.  I kinda just wish God would come and decide to take me home.  I'm so tired of this life on earth.