December's Finally or continuation

The finally of 2022 or is it to be continued??

Saturday, December 31, 2022

3:08 AM

It has been a very difficult year for me having dealt with losing my therapist and a lot of support and still thinking about ending my life. I am still having difficulties in keeping my emotions in check, still emotionally exhausted but I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. My family still haven't come around. I was yelled at for coming out to my grandson so he wouldn't find out that his grandfather is a transgender from someone else but from me. That didn't go to well as my wife blows up my phone telling me that it is considered sexual preference but telling her it is not is like talking to the wall. But as the year went by I feel that I have lost quite a bit of ground. I lost my car, my daughter Gabby as she 0will not talk to me, still not invited to any holiday dinners. My revision has been denied by the insurance because my employer dropped trans health care, what am I going to do as I search for insurance that carries trans health but nothing is ever in plain English. When looking for a particular health care that can help me. Only to have your employer health care price go up again in 2023 as they might as well take my whole paycheck. There has been more set backs as I still can't get a divorce from Merle and my feelings for her are still the same, still in love with her after what she has put me through ever since our marriage. But seeing her and the boys are starting to sporadic as far between. But I guess it has gotten worse ever since the car accident that wasn't my fault but sometimes she throws at me that I was trying to kill her which was far from my mind. I still cry a lot thinking about my kids and how they are doing and finding out that my son is going to have a baby including my daughter Gabby but I know deep down that I will not see my grandson or granddaughter as it would be nice to have a granddaughter into the family. It is hard to wake up everyday not having these feelings everyday but I try to use my sense of humor to hide my feelings. Being the last day of 2022 I can say that it has been a struggle. At least I can say that I haven't spent any days in the hospital this year knock on wood. I scraped up money to go to my or I should say our first class reunion, but I was so worried or petrified that none of my classmates would accept me for who I am like my own family. I was surprised that they did. I was so relieved. For the people who never saw me previously thought I was a cis woman until I told them that I am a trans-female but they still accepted me. I felt welcomed, but since I was up there I visited a couple of places to see if how much changed since 1980 and I will say a lot. Most of Polaris park is nothing but a solar farm, but they still have some homes in there but they look like civilian residence. I did see our old house in Ledyard Ct. as it is still standing. That brought back some  memories. I wouldn't mind living up there again. Even though I list the tragedies I can say that there has been some bright spots as the old saying goes there are a few good people out in the world as they brought some hope into my life . I have a customer who comes to Arby's and hands me a gift card from bed and bath and he also hands me a check for a thousand dollars so I can put it as a down payment for a car because he heard that I lost mine in a car accident. I was so shocked that he did that for me, never in my life I had anyone do that also another door opened for me as Danielle jumped on that opportunity when a studio called. But the one stipulation was that we had to pay 4000 in order to get our portfolio using both credit cards and some cash on hand that was in my savings and placed what ever was left over from the insurance claim I am going to use it. So far I got my balance down to below 2000 I still have some breathing room to pay off the balance but I don't want to max out all my cards but I might have to if I want to start. They tell me that after pay it off in two weeks I will start receiving job offers which I am going to apply to everyone of them. I know that it is going to be a hit and miss but it is better than that other studio. I feel a little confident with Apex than I did with Nine talent agency as they wanted 39 a month fee and none of their workshops programs worked with my work schedualand when one of them did there was no workshop at all. But with apex I feel a little confident. Maybe when I start doing this I will start feeling better about myself.