December Tears. December Smiles

December is such a mixture of tears and a month of smiles. For some like me December is that month gfor me for other moms whose child left us . Whose hand we can no longer hold. Or can not see them face to face  and our eyes are filled with tears and then there are the smiles  the Children eyes all full of joy and sparkle at at the glow of Christmas lights and cheer..their eyes filled with wonder and excitment as Christmas Day gets closer..we look in their eyes of hope and wonder what do they see in ours. We know within us what we don't want them to see. We don"t want them to see our sadness that fills our entire being feels, so we put on our fake smiles and hope they can't see our pain .  I remember the year that December that would be my last Christmas with Ken.  As we would share with him whether we knew if he could hear us or not we talked. I remember walking to the ICU room looking out the dark windows thinking when did the darkness come , where had the day gone, and when did the Christmas lights start shinning. I respond to Ken knowing he can not look or can not see I say "oh  Ken, see the pretty Christmas lights . The streets filled with the glow of rhe beautiful lights.  Christmas is close, how did we miss it. For weeks Ken had not opened his eyes. On Christmas Day the hospital allowed us to be in ICU to open gifts with Ken. To our surprise we walked in to ICU, to find Ken awake, aware, new each person there. That was our gift from God we will always bellieve. That we will always believe our gift.  Like the children our eyes were filled with joy.   Joy on Dec 25, 2009 filled our hearts. A day that will always be remembed full of happiness..we had our Ken back.  
Blackness fillled our hearts, tears returned to our eyes, sadness again filled our being as 5 Days later, we said our good byes to our sweet wonderful son, friend, daddy as he took his last breath and flew as the eagles fly to his heavenly home.  Eagles were what he collected. Always for Christmas I gave him an Eagle so I know the Eagles flew with him as he soared into the Heavens.  No more tears of pain for him.  I love you my son this Christmas Season and will shed my tears but when I see the joy in the Childrens eyes, I know I will be seeing you.  Forever my son, Forever your mom