December 31st, 2015 NYE

Tonight. I need help. It's been since November 9th & I have not heard from Rachel or been notified of anything. I have left texts. Calls. Messages on DS & hasn't responded to me. I'm really scared something bad happened or she left me for her ex or so many things come to mind. The distance is rough, but she said she would visit me before her birthday on Jan. 19th I'm holding on till then, but I'm extremely upset & confused that I got no type of closure or nothing just gone. So tonight I'm drinking Stella & smoking lots of weed trying to just numb all my emotional pain. I have a soccer game in the morning that I should be worried about, but no....I'm so concerned about Rachel I'm suppose to be there & protect her not let anything happen to her, and if something was wrong I thought I would be the first person she'd call. I went to New York twice to meet up with her & she bailed on me both times. I would lock myself in my grandpa's closet in the bedroom I was staying in on the phone with her begging for her to see me. I worked so hard & did so much to try & make it work. Maybe she really does hate me & I'm the worst boyfriend this earth has ever seen. I'm 25 can't even get a date or anyone to pay attention. I'm convinced I'll remain by myself for good. I guess I'm paying for it & honestly I feel like I just been set up like this whole world is just a set up. Every time this happens :( 
I'm soooo done I want to quit!