December 2,2020

24 days has come with a milestone, as I remember back through the years I see myself sitting down saying that this would never happen and that I would be wasting my time researching everything I needed to know about the procedure from start to finish. Thinking back through the years I was very doubtful that I would ever do this but something kept me researching and the urge was strong to learn more about transitioning. There would be times that I was doubtful that I would even start, there was one time that I spoke to Mazzoni Center to get some additional information but at the time if was wishful thinking but I figured why not and to keep at in due time. I knew that it was a dream and only a dream but as the years progressed things started to change. By change I would mean my thinking process wishing that I was and knowing that I wasn't but being married in a bad relationship I knew that I wouldn't get out of it. Years progressed more and things in my mind were changing along with it but sometimes not for the good. Unsettling thoughts were starting to run through my mind wanting things even though I knew that it would be impossible. As it was only a dream thinking about becoming a woman, wearing different kinds of clothing knowing that being a male the clothing selection was deplorable, but being a female they had more of a selection and make-up. I started getting curious about things and the curious was changing to anxiety, the desires were turning into the need. I tried many times to try to talk to people about the problem I was having with these new feelings, I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was. Having a battle field on both sides. I was getting from two fronts my wife and what I was dealing with myself, I knew that things will get worse and didn't know how to stop or correct the problem and it was concerning I couldn't talk to anyone about on what I was going through in my life. As I knew that I would soon be in trouble with my own life but as I looked around for help it was a worthless cause , I felt hopeless knowing about the past and what was going on in the present ( not in this present time) I had no one to talk to relieve my problem after learning from my first experience it was a bad one getting attacked by my daughter with a baseball bat. I took several people to get her off of me. But when I interrogated by my wife I told her the truth about how I was feeling but as usual I was being ignored like many other times. My feelings were always nullified by her as she never listened to me before or to this present day. Today she tries her best to bring her strong arm in reaching me but she doesn't play fair as she uses our kids to get under my skin. Many times when she has driven me to the edge but someone upstairs is always watching me that prevented me from doing the inevitable even last week I wanted to take a long walk into the woods and never to come out again but this time I had someone to talk me down even though it took 2 hours. But I need to find away to sever her thought process that I will not be placed into the same predicament. After 35 of marriage I have to find a way to break away fully, but how to keep her from getting under my skin that puts me in turmoil with my mind ?? I guess or I should how to figure away out of it so I can't be disturbed by her antics. I am tired of being bullied by her and she sees it as her not being the problem and I don’t think she ever will.

There are some days I think about what I can do to eliminate the problem that I can move on with my life, every time I think about it I start to break down crying. Am I going, no better yet I need to find a way to over come her. Will I ever even though I still love her but trying to get my heart on the same page as my gut it will be a miracle. But I am a determined person.

But time will tell.