December 2, 2020

24 Days has past from post-op surgery,

My healing process has developed a slight hole but thank goodness its on the outside, so my doctor is not to concerned about it, but wants me to come back up in two weeks to see if it will close up on it's own time, but If my disability check doesn't come in I have no way of getting up there, I will be out of funds. I do not mind going up there every other week but I feel that I have exceeded my allocation from what I have read on line.

During my last appointment I was taken to the next size up on my dilator and did that hurt. I hurts going in and out and I feel it for several hours later, I hope it's normal other than that she tells me that I am healing quite well on the inside until I showed her a small hole at the bottom but she tells me that it should seal on it's own, I hope.

There has been a set back prior to Thanksgiving my wife started her crap again asking me if I was stalking our daughter, but my reply was "I have no way of getting in touch with her". Now tell me doesn't that answer her question ??? As she demanded a yes or no answer to her question. Really now what does that statement says " I have no way of getting in touch with her" . But of course she goes on by telling me Katlin was going to call the police on me even though there was no truth to the matter. I would love to tell her off but I just can not get the words out of my mouth. Just like a lot of things I would like to say but I can never speak my mind, being afraid to get shut down by her like she always does. It's like my opinions don't matter. Which to her doesn't.  Like the one time she confronted me asking me if she should rent out a store to open her sandwich shop or place the money down for a house. I told her to put it down on a house this way we wouldn't have to worry about paying someone else's mortgage. But of course instead of looking out for the family she opted out on getting the store. So why did she bother to ask me ?? It only shows where her priorities were at.

Thanksgiving I spent it here in NJ, I had hoped that I would be able to spend it with my kids but it started with Katlin acusing me of stalking her on FB even though I have stopped looking to see if she was on there with no luck. So I was told that she wants nothing to do with me ( it hurts). I love and care about my kids and Merle knows that so the conversation continued inviting me up and then she tells me that Vanne came up to her and said to her that he doesn’t have a Dad. Which constituted another knife in my back and goes back to the past telling me all the abuse I did to her and the kids which was a complete lie  and I was the one that threw my family out in the garbage, so the third and final knife goes in when she tells me that don't bother to come up because the kids don't want you and then it was the arear being shut down cause of COVID-19 and tells me don't bother which had me beside myself that my mind was going off, Why bother with this I am having difficulty keeping myself on the ground that I was thinking about taking a walk into the woods and not coming out. But instead I was able to get a hold of KC and spoke to him for about 2hrs to get me to calm down, but as of today Dec 2 I still cry about it. But what made it worse is when I spoke to Gabby the other day asking her if she enjoyed Thanksgiving and she said yes and had it at her mom's house. When I told her how I spent mine by myself went out to get a turkey dinner from an organization, she replied why did I just come up. But I didn't have the heart to tell her what really happened that my invitation was rescinded  because I knew that it would start trouble and I would end up being called a liar.

I told KC that I do not think I will be able to get over her with all the damage she has done to me in the past and it is starting to take a toll on me that am I coming to the conclusion I will never heal from it and why should I go on living my life due to this , but I keep telling myself am I going to given into her and have her accomplish the her last thought saying I am finally rid of him or her. I keep on telling myself why think of such thoughts and why should you give her satisfaction of me ending my life. Every day I try to keep my mind busy so I won't think about depressing thoughts or ideas.

My sleeping habits have not return to normal I am still waking up like  every 2 hours f

Which it getting to be a pain in the butt.

I really happy for what I have done and I definitely feel no regrets for what I have done this past year, I can say that I am happy for myself, glad for not backing down at anytime during my transitioning and towards my surgery. Even though Daniel had plenty of opportunities to call and cancel. So far I have to start getting on the lawyer to start working for me to clear Daniel's name from a felony charge so I may find a better job before I get to old for any job. It is long over due as we both waited so long to remove the charges from his name, I could let it go but I am still tied with the original SS# and DL but I want it done asap. Next I will be working on getting my new birth certificate that has my new name and gender marker. Plus the next step would be the divorce I have not received any notice in the mail that she has filed and if she didn't  I am going to take matters into my own hands if she hasn't done it.

So this is what transpired these past several weeks as I am glad that I didn't do it, I just wouldn't be able to torment certain people.

Until the next time .