December

December

Tuesday, December 5, 2023

1:37 AM

This holiday season has been difficult for me. For 4 years since I have left my family not to transition but to get away from a person who is a well known Narcissist and gaslighted. I have been told by my wife that I shouldn't expect any kind of communication from any of my kids as they do not want to have anything to do with you. It is very hard for me because this year I have two new grandsons that they told me that I am not allowed to see them or forbidden to see them because of who I am. On Thanksgiving I had planned on taking my life because I cannot deal with the pain, as I am too tiered to continue on and enduring the exhaustion of fighting, crying and wondering what my kids are doing day to day. I was at the point of giving up and wanting to. I love my kids and it hurts not knowing what they are doing or even seeing them. With my new grandsons I feel that they will never know who there Grandfather is or they will never see me. When the time came for me to act I was stopped from doing the inevitable as my car started leaking coolant which prevented me from acting it out as if someone or something was preventing me from acting it out. I have been told by others that I am making a difference and that I have touched others with my kindness and doing what I love the most by modeling. I really enjoy do it. As I am always being told by my stepmother that if I did she would only win and to remember the good things that I have done in helping others. There is a reason why you have been stopped many times as your job is not done here on earth. The harsh reality is that I will allow her to win instead of keeping fighting for what you love doing the most. I have been told that I have a family and I am not alone in this world even though your own family has turned their backs on you doesn't mean that the community will as I have been told during group. I have two events coming my birthday knowing that they won't wish me one and Christmas. I just hope I will make it.

I received a certificate from Walmart for an additional percentage off on items and of course I placed it in a safe place but for the life of me I am unable to remember where I placed it. I shall look again.

Yesterday I went up to Pa. in hopes of seeing my two boys, I spent several hours until I was about to leave as she sends me a message stating that she just received it or noticed, I would go for the just noticed, I told her about me calling and I got was her voice mail on the very first ring. I don't know who she is trying to fool. I took her to Don's for some dinner and the whole time her phone kept going off. I just wish that she would say not to bother anymore. I am at the beginning of December and so far I am working on representation from a modeling agency in hopes of getting picked up and start having more payable events.

Christmas came and went and I managed to get through it without any incident on my behalf. I took a trip to Philly to grab a dinner at Williams Way the LGBTQ center. I had hoped that Merle would call me to invite me to dinner with the boys and with her but it would seem to me that I am just waiting on a hopeless dream that will never come true. Just like what happened in November on the day before  Thanksgiving I wanted so badly to end my life but something or someone stopped me dead in my tracks that prevented me from doing it causing my car to leak coolant. I just want to see my kids and to let them know that I still love them and that I wouldn't do any harm to them. My main concern is Kaitlyn, for the life of me I don't know what I have done to her to make her hate me as it hurts me deeply inside. I don't like hurting anyone as it is not in my nature, I am a compassionate person and I hate it if I hurt someone even my own child. I just do not know how I can remedy this problem that wasn't my fault or I don't know what happened. I have tried to get her to confront me with it but either refused or never got the card that I have sent her. Maybe I will never know what made her hate me so much. I don't want to be away from my kids but I feel that I being manipulated by my wife. I don't know what to do anymore to bring back my kids into my life or maybe I should just let them go as they do not care about me.

My main focus has been about my family but I have come to the conclusion that I will never get my family back and that I will only be able to view them from a long distance.

As December is coming to a close I have still accomplished a lot as Danielle being coming a fashion model was never in my forte. I never in my life thought that I will become a fashion model. I wonder what 2024 will be like, will I become successful in my modeling career as I want it to be. I am going to be determined to succeed in my Quest.

Even though I am still struggling to be who I want to be. I just hope that 2024 will be just as successful as it was in 2023. now I am saying goodbye to 2023