December
Time marches on. I hate thinking how much time is wasted in stupidity-fighting-but WHAT about, really? Oh, that you want your way? And that makes it okay to snuff me out, or my life...no.
I cling tenaciously to what I can. I have picked up a few hours of work. Getting some bills paid down. But my car needs more work; truth be told, I need another car. Now is not the time, though.
I did at least make my scarecrow and an autumn wreath; things I meant to do in a relaxing fashion, but everything seems so hurried. At least it got done, though.
I told God recently that I have more than I can bear; occasionally, I cry at work or wherever. I can't look head-on often at what I'm dealing with; it's hatred. The hatred of someone who's been found out. And just like those books, nobody sees the hatred and nobody would understand without going through a lot of preliminary info. So I will keep plodding on until I run out of steam or until something changes for the better.
I cling tenaciously to what I can. I have picked up a few hours of work. Getting some bills paid down. But my car needs more work; truth be told, I need another car. Now is not the time, though.
I did at least make my scarecrow and an autumn wreath; things I meant to do in a relaxing fashion, but everything seems so hurried. At least it got done, though.
I told God recently that I have more than I can bear; occasionally, I cry at work or wherever. I can't look head-on often at what I'm dealing with; it's hatred. The hatred of someone who's been found out. And just like those books, nobody sees the hatred and nobody would understand without going through a lot of preliminary info. So I will keep plodding on until I run out of steam or until something changes for the better.
Replies
I\'m pretty sure I found one of \"my parts\" in it ... I have two younger brothers (2 and 3 years younger; the older of the two died several years ago). I used to have nightmares when I was between 4 -6 that I had to go look for them and make sure they were okay. My mother disappeared around that time, before that and before she was gone for good, my parents used to fight a lot. She was hysterical (my mother) and never wanted my father to leave-even to go to work. I remember one time she locked my father into the studio downstairs where he was working on his own business. He was using a hammer to break down the door, but I really didn\'t understand what was going on ... just that my mother was upset, my father angry and there was a door being broken apart.
Another time, my younger brother fell down a (long) flight of stairs. He was climbing onto a chair. I remember it as \"knowing\" he was going to fall, but being rooted to the spot, unable to run to where my parents were or call them. I can\'t remember him actually going down, though ... but I know I was there.
Another time, the same brother was trying to climb/crawl up a flight of stairs to the apartments above a bar where I guess my mother had gone in to get cigarettes or use a phone. I\'m fairly certain she didn\'t stop for a drink ... don\'t remember her ever drinking. I of course was alone, watching him, when some man came out and told me to \"get him outta here\". The man scared me and I don\'t remember what happened after that. I suppose my mother came out and got my brother...
The nightmares I used to have I was always rooted to the spot, unable to speak or do anything. I never even thought about my parents being around in the dreams ... in one, an elevator \"chased\" me down a hall into a closet after it took my brothers somewhere. A manager had to come and rescue me; he gave the elevator a sound \"tongue lashing\".
In another, a monster pirate came out of the attic, tied my brother up and sliced him up with a sword into pieces. All I could do was stand and watch. This is the brother who had learning disabilities and later, developed psychosis. He died.
I just see a little girl feeling a hell of a lot of responsibility that there was no way she could handle ... she herself was a responsibility that wasn\'t receiving the attention she needed. A little girl feeling scared to death of taking on the responsibilities, but also scared of what would happen if she didn\'t ... never any parents in the nightmares ... they were always fighting or preoccupied, it seemed.
I remember when I met N ... I remember how he struck me as \"the little brother type\". I didn\'t like that, because I realize that actually, I feel or at least, have felt, very inadequate to responsibilities I\'ve been given (or felt I had to take) in past. At 5, I guess I was pretty inadequate to adult responsibilities. Even later, as a teen, I think there were times I had more than what I could have handled, no matter if I\'d been brought up perfectly before that.
I\'m thinking on the one hand, I had these needy little brothers. Then, on the other hand, my father angry with my mother (or so it seemed), doing incomprehensible things.
I don\'t understand it completely, although parts are crystal clear. If you are quiet, nobody will get angry. If you become upset and hysterical (and are female), you might even disappear. My mother got herself so worked up about her worries that bad things happened despite her trying to prevent them (but her methods were not good methods).