Dec. 23/24 2014
Well it is just a hair past midnight when I am writing this. I am tired and ready for bed in some ways and not in others. I would love to spend 1 whole night in the bed by myself but that is not likely to happen. 7 yr old gd sleeps in bed with me (king size) while her papa is gone and then he does when he is home.
I am just feeling blue, depressed,upset,left out,etc tonight I guess. The holidays have not been a huge hit of mine for years and this year will be no different given things. Hubby is driving OTR and will be lucky to get home sometime on Friday to leave out again on Sunday...so what holiday?
The 7 yr old thinks she can run my life and boss me around. She is lucky to be alive tonight. It isn't worth going to jail over her BS but she will learn that grandma means business when Christmas Day comes and she can NOT OPEN presents since she refuses to clean her room!
The toddler is being a toddler. She does know better though about a few things and did not listen tonight so she got into hot water with grandma and did not like that outcome at all!
Hubby just doesn't get it. He tells me to "talk to him" but it just goes in one ear and out the other as far as I can tell. He says things like " I understand" or " I get it" ,etc but yet he doesn't really understand as he is gone 5+/- days a week. Even when he is home for those few hours. he is not totally home with me.
He goes to see his dad ( which I do understand) and other family, but then turns around and "talks" to the guys about work,etc. If he talks to me, most of it revolves around his work as well. I am just getting to the point I don't feel like I really matter to him any more.
He is usually very helpful while he is home and tells me how much he misses me,loves me,etc but still somehow I doubt him. I don't think he is being unfaithful but I could be wrong.
Lately, my general health has kind of been the pits. I hurt and ache and am exhausted. Part of it is due to a lack of meds as well as the depression. The school is on holiday break for two weeks. I could be doing all kinds of things for the holiday or with the girls, but I just don't have the energy nor do I really care this year. For me not to be baking up a storm is unusual. I even did a small one at Thanksgiving this year when I felt like crap.
I know this will hopefully all pass in time. Just tired of feeling like no one gives a rat ass about me. I have put my kids and now grandkids a head of myself for years along with my husband. I just wish I felt like someone cared. oh well....such is life!
I am just feeling blue, depressed,upset,left out,etc tonight I guess. The holidays have not been a huge hit of mine for years and this year will be no different given things. Hubby is driving OTR and will be lucky to get home sometime on Friday to leave out again on Sunday...so what holiday?
The 7 yr old thinks she can run my life and boss me around. She is lucky to be alive tonight. It isn't worth going to jail over her BS but she will learn that grandma means business when Christmas Day comes and she can NOT OPEN presents since she refuses to clean her room!
The toddler is being a toddler. She does know better though about a few things and did not listen tonight so she got into hot water with grandma and did not like that outcome at all!
Hubby just doesn't get it. He tells me to "talk to him" but it just goes in one ear and out the other as far as I can tell. He says things like " I understand" or " I get it" ,etc but yet he doesn't really understand as he is gone 5+/- days a week. Even when he is home for those few hours. he is not totally home with me.
He goes to see his dad ( which I do understand) and other family, but then turns around and "talks" to the guys about work,etc. If he talks to me, most of it revolves around his work as well. I am just getting to the point I don't feel like I really matter to him any more.
He is usually very helpful while he is home and tells me how much he misses me,loves me,etc but still somehow I doubt him. I don't think he is being unfaithful but I could be wrong.
Lately, my general health has kind of been the pits. I hurt and ache and am exhausted. Part of it is due to a lack of meds as well as the depression. The school is on holiday break for two weeks. I could be doing all kinds of things for the holiday or with the girls, but I just don't have the energy nor do I really care this year. For me not to be baking up a storm is unusual. I even did a small one at Thanksgiving this year when I felt like crap.
I know this will hopefully all pass in time. Just tired of feeling like no one gives a rat ass about me. I have put my kids and now grandkids a head of myself for years along with my husband. I just wish I felt like someone cared. oh well....such is life!
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