Death and Mourning
My father died last night. He has lived in a different state since I was 9 years old. We never really had much of a relationship. From stories, I know he treated my brothers and sisters very badly and was highly abusive to my mother.
He disowned me when I was 16. Hadn't talked to me for years before then. I last saw him in 2004, at the funeral of my niece. I was 14. We didn't really speak.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. I feel...kind of...empty. I mean, he was my father. No matter what else he was in life, he had a hand in my birth (even if he denied that I was his after the fact.)
I'm sad, I'm sick, but is it about his death...or because I do not have the feelings I believe I should?
Shouldn't I feel despair? I know I must mourn him...but his death has not affected me the way my 2 year old niece's did. I remember those feelings very well and I still face them every morning. Abject despair and hopelessness. I started self-harming to deal with her death. I have gained 120 lbs in the 8.5 years since her death. I miss her everyday.
But...how do I feel about my father dying? I don't know. I just feel...tired...sick...sad...but again, I don't know if that is because he is gone or because I don't have the feelings a daughter should have when her father dies.
I don't even know how he died...
He disowned me when I was 16. Hadn't talked to me for years before then. I last saw him in 2004, at the funeral of my niece. I was 14. We didn't really speak.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. I feel...kind of...empty. I mean, he was my father. No matter what else he was in life, he had a hand in my birth (even if he denied that I was his after the fact.)
I'm sad, I'm sick, but is it about his death...or because I do not have the feelings I believe I should?
Shouldn't I feel despair? I know I must mourn him...but his death has not affected me the way my 2 year old niece's did. I remember those feelings very well and I still face them every morning. Abject despair and hopelessness. I started self-harming to deal with her death. I have gained 120 lbs in the 8.5 years since her death. I miss her everyday.
But...how do I feel about my father dying? I don't know. I just feel...tired...sick...sad...but again, I don't know if that is because he is gone or because I don't have the feelings a daughter should have when her father dies.
I don't even know how he died...
Replies
So sorry for your loss. Grieving is different for everyone. How you feel about one death is different then how you feel about another (at least in my experience). I think it\'s perfectly normal for it to seem surreal. I also think that you have a normal reaction to not know how to feel. It sucks when someone who is supposed to be your guardian, teacher, protector, etc doesn\'t want to have a relationship with you. I have a bit of experience with that part myself also.
The thing is, right now, you don\'t need to know how you feel about it. Easier said then done because your mind is racing, but trust me, one day you will know. Just take a step back, sit down, and breath. Let yourself explore the memories good and bad. Cry. Get angry. Go through every emotion because you don\'t want to leave anything un-processed.
Maybe you wrote this to not get any responses, so I am sorry if I am over stepping. But I know you wouldn\'t have posted this unless it was truely important to you and I just want you to know that this is a safe place to bare it all and we/I can help support you through this.
-Hugs-
Thank you, so much. I did post this here because I knew I could bare everything that I was feeling (or not feeling) knowing that I would not be judged. I am grateful to have all of you right now because I do not want to go back dealing with this like I did when my niece died. So, you did not overstep at all. I am thankful you took the time to read it and to post such a wonderful and touching response.
There has been so much to deal with in the last several days. Just last night, my family found out that his current wife excluded my name from his children in his obituary, so that was extremely hard to handle. But I am working through it the best way I know how right now. Being strong is my only option, but it is hard.