Dear Journal

The following is my journal entry from enotalone....  I haven't updated this for ages, didn't really want to as I have had nothing positive to post, I still don't but this journal is for my benefit, so it shouldn't really matter should it. Well, now M is out of basic training, I wish he was back, sounds twisted but it's not. I realise I felt safer when he was there. I missed him, but my anxiety's were controlled. I knew he couldn't do anything to hurt me, now he has completed it, I wish I could say we were stronger than before because of the space we had, but it is quite the opposite.My mental health issues are really breaking us apart, every day I accuse him, every day I get scared and insecure and every day I cry at least once and sometimes uncontrollably. I through things in his face, I pick on him for the smallest things, I am destroying us and I know it. But I truley believe in this warped mind of mine that he is being disloyal and unfaithful. I can't move past the small issues that we have had before, they are magnified and everyone is a threat to me. Writing this I know I sound ridiculous, yet I know that I have an illness and shouldn't be too hard on myself. I feel sorry for him though because he shouldn't need to live in this kind of relationship. I don't know why he doesn't walk, I probably would if I was him. The sick part of my mind thinks he stays and tolerates it because he knows inside that I am right. I don't even know if my feelings are right. Even if he was betraying me, I shouldn't has these obsessive thoughts of is he isn't he. If only my life was that easy, if only I could think positive, live everyday for that day and not worry. How can some people do it but some can't. I believe in GOD but I often wonder why he allows us to have these burdens in our life, yet others have it so easy. I don't mean to sound selfish because I know, there are so many people who have it worse than me. I just feel sorry for myself and sorry for my relationship.I pray one day I will find a way, I pray that GOD will help me through these dark days and show me the light at the other side.