Dear Jounal

Just woke up from a nap.  today started the plan of feeling better. I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought a meditation cd. Ya play it when you are to go to sleep. I felt so good while it was playing...i remember hearing the start of it 2 or 3 times cause i have it on repeat.
  When i woke up i checked immediatley to see if Fran called and she did not. I called her again and it went right to voice mail.  Then of course my mind went to thinking stupid shit.
  The truth is falling in love with her. Its been 4 years since my last serious relationship. We started having sex now. Which is very nice ...we all need to feel intimacy...but it makes it harder. We see each other like once a week.
We talk on the phone and through emails. Theres times when i have no doubt how she feels. Other times i feel confused. Sometimes i feel its my own insecurities messing me up...other times not.  The other day we were talking and she was on her way to have lunch with a friend. I said ok call me later.  She did not call till 12.30 am and left a message saying......Hi kenny sorry its so calling cause i said i would.     I really had no idea what to think about that.
   So i didnt call her till like 8 30 pm yesterday. I didnt wanna call her at all cause i really dont want to say the wrong things. I had a gig at alocal pub to play for new years. I called her and got the voice mail of course and wished her a happy new year and would talk soon. While inside the pub its very noisy...she calls and of course i dont hear it.....leaves a message happy new year and i dont remember the rest but it wasnt very exciting.
     I feel im getting mixed signals.  This happened also when we first started dating.
     A huge part of my self esteem issues are when it comes to women and girlfriends. I was always shy...socially phobic like....during high school i felt i had sexual issues.....there was a time when i was going out with someone who i liked for years...she was beautiful and a party she ended up sneaking off and going with my brother. That was horrific for me.    8 years ago i got  ex wife ended up marrying her therapist she was seeing at the time we were seperating.
  These things and my social anxiety i feel are some of the roots of my issues.
     So this year...we work on the shit.  We work on our self esteem.
  Last year i claimed bankruptcy....forclosed on my house....lost the last of my dogs which were everything to me....took a chance and tried working at a studio which i made no broke now...having trouble paying rent and feel like shit cause i cant treat a date on a night out.
     I start a shit job on monday....i asked a friend of mine to rent a room in her house so my rent will be cheaper. I have a job lined up in the spring where ill make 1000 a week. It looks like im going to join a band that plays at least once a month hopefully more.
   What i have to do is keep the mindset that Fran is a great part of my life. She cant be the reason for my self worth....she just needs to be a part of my life.
  I mean come on.....Im in recovery here...and i go see a pretty girl once a week and we enjoy physical intimacy??  Im a lucky man.
    Summary of my plan of recovery.
Work this the best that i can at it. Keep a positive mindset and rebuild good work ethics. 
Keep from reacting to bad alcohol...keep running.
Try to either find a room with small rent or get roomates for a while.
Play in live sound\record engineering...its what i really like to do and it makes me feel like something.
Stay socialable..go to meetup groups and meetings like AA or NA...... keep dating Franny...understand what it on the past shit.
Hang out with friends and do things.
Help people.
 I think this is a good start.
I want to feel great. i want to be in love. I want to be in a lasting relationship where there are no doubts.
 I want to be out of my head...and into the world.



Sounds the right course to me. I can relate to the self esteem thing. Being a musician working alone, I\'ve decided to try working with other musicians this year. Working at my 9 to 5 jobs all the time is almost a burnout and I need to do somthing that makes me happy first. Thanks for your honesty. Its refreshing to know I\'m not alone in some of these feelings. Teedmk.

i love the positive feelings coming from this entry. good for you! all thebest for the future and i hope things pick up and you get a brake. best wishes xx

Good luck on the shit job--remember, somebody\'s gotta shovel it....

Plan sounds good! Try no resist teh temptation to read too much into Fran\'s behavior, so you can enjoy the relationship for what it is.

The shit job will not be forever. Just be the best little shit shoveler that ever there was and maybe you will even start to enjoy it!