Dear God Why

I just do not understand why this has happened to me and the kid's. Pat was so outgoing,loving,yes,ok he had his mood's,but we were use to that.I had a dream last night that he had a heart attack in MS and instead of dying,I went and got him brought him home to TN,took him to the dr in Knoxville(where he had a stent put in) and the dr said he needed a triple bypass which he came through with flying color's and although he couldn't drive a 18 wheeler anymore we were still doing fine.I woke up so upset because it felt like that it really happened that way,instead of the truth that he died in MS at probably one of the worst hospital's on the face of the earth.I just don't know how much more I can take,I have good day's but they are rare.All I want is to be with him again, I can't be with him cause I refuse to kill myself due to the fact I don't want to take a chance on going to hell.Not that my life doesn't already feel like I'm there anyway.I should be a chain smoking,pill popping,alcholic,but I'm not, I don't do any of that.I'm 47 and of course the idea that I may meet another man and remarry has entered my head,then guilt,over thinking that way,how could I ever be with anyone but my husband? I only love him,was with him from age 19-47. Then I get mad and wonder how could he leave us? I know he didn't mean to as a massive heart attack didn't give him much choice.Here one minute,gone the next.But the one question we widows and widowers have in common is WHY? How can you have a life and it be gone in a split second?I really can't take this, I just want to die,Is it wrong to pray for death?I have 2 kid's one is 22 and autistic (son) and 15 yr old daughter,I don't want to just end up leaving them,but,I am in terrible pain over their dad dying,they are too.I don't know which way to turn anymore,I have tried praying but I still get mad at God too for taking him.