Dear Darrian Pt 3
Yesterday I woke up early and went out with Judi Schneider (You probably would remember her as Vicki's mom, your old babysitter). We went and did Yoga and Zumba at the YWCA. Vicki's brother Paul taught the classes. I had more of a tough time with Yoga than I did the Zumba, although I still have issues with coordination and timing. I'm like Kyle, the kid who has no rhythm on South Park. But I think you'd be proud of me. I didn't give up, I didn't stop, and I didn't outright refuse. When I was doing the Zumba, I thought I would have been worried that others were judging me. But I didn't think about that. And I think that made it more of a pleasurable experience. They played a song by Linkin Park too! It was pretty cool.
After that, Judi and I went out to lunch and we talked about a lot of stuff, including you. We talked about different things from when you were alive and after you were hospitalized the last time. What happened, how we found out, etc. I talked with her about a lot of things, and one thing in particular that I won't say here because ... well, it's truly no one's business and I don't want attitudes. You probably know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry if you would be upset with me for talking about it. Heck, maybe where you are you aren't so concerned about me talking about it. I'm still only talking about it with select people. The ones I feel like I can trust. I think I can trust Judi. I do, or at least I hope so. She is a very warm and loving woman. Jill, Vicki's older sister legally changed her name to Amber, coincidentally your middle name. Haha, I thought that was interesting.
All in all, yesterday was a pretty good day. I'm sore after all the working out, but it was rewarding. I'm starting to feel like I may almost be ready to start eating not so junky anymore. I have noticed that I have wanted food and sometimes the sweets can be overbearing. So that may be a good sign. At least for me.
Since you died I have had a hard time with certain things. Letting go will always be the toughest, for certain. But the one I have a hard time with right now is money. We couldn't afford to get you a new pair of shoes before you died, but I have since been up to Michigan to see Grandpa, Karena, Uncle Brian and Aunt Meredith and their kids, among a few other people. Dad and I got a new entertainment center, and have eaten out a few times. And to much of a degree I feel VERY guilty. The money will continue to get tighter though. I know that things will come to change and we won't be able to do the things we've been doing lately. It's just hard. It's only been a month and a half since you died and I feel like I have to hold off on anything that I enjoy because of what I couldn't give you.
Now, I know in my heart that you wouldn't want me to hold back and you don't blame me. My head of course tells me otherwise. It gets so frustrating having these two centers that tell you very different things.
I am trying to reach out to friends and family. I am trying to grow as a person. And I'm getting out more so I can feel some level of sanity. I just wish you were here to join me. Or that we could go out together and do it. I know we can't, but ...... I miss you.
I know this is a recurring theme. It always will be. It's hard moving on, or learning to. I have a pamphlet from the hospice agency talking about when a teenager dies. I started to read it, but I really didn't want to. In my mind I can't understand WHY this happened to you. And I struggle with understanding why it happened to us as well. I know life is really touch an go. And we are born, and we have the rest in the middle, and then we die. The order or timing of when we die is not defined by any set schedule.
Daily I look at the pictures of you on my phone. There are quite a few. You were quite photogenic. I miss hugging you. I miss fighting with you. I miss rolling my eyes over some of the things I found ridiculous. I miss you wanting to watch Red Vs Blue with me. Or listening to the song Caboose sings about Church being his best friend.
I don't know if I mentioned this on my letters to you, but one day I was going out by Renee's. (Remember, Renee has the little Chihuahua, Leonard) Anyway, I was listening to a cd that I had burned a while back. It was some of my favorite songs. Anyway, it just so happened that song came up. Church, I'm your Best Friend - or whatever it's called. I bawled. I don't know if I put the song on there, or if you did. However, it's hard listening to that song now.
Dad and I haven't taken your user name off the PS3 or Netflix. I'm not sure if/when we will. I'm not sure why we don't do it.... I think it's because it's another element of admitting that you're gone. And doing that is just too hard. That will happen at another time. For now, it's just one moment at a time.
I love you Darrian. Just think of me wrapping my arms around you and giving you a kiss on the forehead. If I could do it, believe me I would.
Goodnight my sweet angel!
After that, Judi and I went out to lunch and we talked about a lot of stuff, including you. We talked about different things from when you were alive and after you were hospitalized the last time. What happened, how we found out, etc. I talked with her about a lot of things, and one thing in particular that I won't say here because ... well, it's truly no one's business and I don't want attitudes. You probably know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry if you would be upset with me for talking about it. Heck, maybe where you are you aren't so concerned about me talking about it. I'm still only talking about it with select people. The ones I feel like I can trust. I think I can trust Judi. I do, or at least I hope so. She is a very warm and loving woman. Jill, Vicki's older sister legally changed her name to Amber, coincidentally your middle name. Haha, I thought that was interesting.
All in all, yesterday was a pretty good day. I'm sore after all the working out, but it was rewarding. I'm starting to feel like I may almost be ready to start eating not so junky anymore. I have noticed that I have wanted food and sometimes the sweets can be overbearing. So that may be a good sign. At least for me.
Since you died I have had a hard time with certain things. Letting go will always be the toughest, for certain. But the one I have a hard time with right now is money. We couldn't afford to get you a new pair of shoes before you died, but I have since been up to Michigan to see Grandpa, Karena, Uncle Brian and Aunt Meredith and their kids, among a few other people. Dad and I got a new entertainment center, and have eaten out a few times. And to much of a degree I feel VERY guilty. The money will continue to get tighter though. I know that things will come to change and we won't be able to do the things we've been doing lately. It's just hard. It's only been a month and a half since you died and I feel like I have to hold off on anything that I enjoy because of what I couldn't give you.
Now, I know in my heart that you wouldn't want me to hold back and you don't blame me. My head of course tells me otherwise. It gets so frustrating having these two centers that tell you very different things.
I am trying to reach out to friends and family. I am trying to grow as a person. And I'm getting out more so I can feel some level of sanity. I just wish you were here to join me. Or that we could go out together and do it. I know we can't, but ...... I miss you.
I know this is a recurring theme. It always will be. It's hard moving on, or learning to. I have a pamphlet from the hospice agency talking about when a teenager dies. I started to read it, but I really didn't want to. In my mind I can't understand WHY this happened to you. And I struggle with understanding why it happened to us as well. I know life is really touch an go. And we are born, and we have the rest in the middle, and then we die. The order or timing of when we die is not defined by any set schedule.
Daily I look at the pictures of you on my phone. There are quite a few. You were quite photogenic. I miss hugging you. I miss fighting with you. I miss rolling my eyes over some of the things I found ridiculous. I miss you wanting to watch Red Vs Blue with me. Or listening to the song Caboose sings about Church being his best friend.
I don't know if I mentioned this on my letters to you, but one day I was going out by Renee's. (Remember, Renee has the little Chihuahua, Leonard) Anyway, I was listening to a cd that I had burned a while back. It was some of my favorite songs. Anyway, it just so happened that song came up. Church, I'm your Best Friend - or whatever it's called. I bawled. I don't know if I put the song on there, or if you did. However, it's hard listening to that song now.
Dad and I haven't taken your user name off the PS3 or Netflix. I'm not sure if/when we will. I'm not sure why we don't do it.... I think it's because it's another element of admitting that you're gone. And doing that is just too hard. That will happen at another time. For now, it's just one moment at a time.
I love you Darrian. Just think of me wrapping my arms around you and giving you a kiss on the forehead. If I could do it, believe me I would.
Goodnight my sweet angel!
Replies