Dear Darrian Pt 2

What can I say but I miss you?  A lot probably.  I'm not a woman of few words, you know that.  
I saw a woman drive by lighting up a cigarette.  It's been nearly 11 years since I smoked a cigarette.  When I saw her light one up, I swear I could feel the cigarette smoke rushing down my lungs.  I will not return to smoking on the count of you dying, I know that doesn't solve anything at all.  Stress just has funny ways of trying to find ways to "cope".  Especially since I smoked cigarettes for 14 years.  
The door to your room has been open for a few days now.  The flowers from the funeral are long gone so Twilight can roam in there.  (She won't knock anything down that is sensitive) I still have yet to get your death certificate in the mail.  I know my heart will drop when I see the envelope.  I am already envisioning it in my mind.  I hope there was a reason for you, unlike my sister (your aunt, who you have likely met since you've been gone from us) who died of unknown causes.  
When the medical examiner's office called and they said they found you had many blood clots in various areas - I thought, okay... That means that even if this wasn't the cause, this means there is a possibility there was a cause.  So that means good things there.  If you can call that good.  But you know, I even had a cardiac event and they didn't ever diagnose why it happened, or if there was some kind of genetic marker.  
Your uncle Brian and I are working together to get genetic testing done.  your uncle has passed out on a few occasions, like you did when you were still with us.  The genetic testing that he had done pointed to a gene that links to CPVT which can cause sudden cardiac arrest or sudden cardiac death.  The genetics counselors will also test you, with whatever remains they have.  I won't ask what.  That's just too macabre.  And they'll test me.  They've sent me a testing kit in the mail.  I haven't gotten it yet, but hopefully we'll start to have answers.  I just wish you were alive to see them happen.  Too many years in the making.
Caleb came over with his mom.  They made you, well, us... window clings in memory of you.  They actually made us 10.  So we can distribute how we'd like to.  I think that's awesome.
I have to tell you, after you died, I wanted to sleep in your bed.  I really did.  I grabbed my pillow and blanket and everything.  I didn't though.  I didn't want the smell of your bed to change.  And still don't.  
As I sit here and write this, I can envision you standing behind me, putting one hand on my shoulder and looking downward, sadly at me.  Wishing for my pain to lessen.  I know it's just wishful thinking, but still.  It's where my head is at. 
Though honestly, I don't want you to worry about me now.  You had enough to worry about in your young life.  Now it's time for you to breathe easy and smile.  You had one of the most amazing smiles I ever had the opportunity to see.  That might be because I'm biased.
Oh, before I forget.  Miranda posted some pictures of you and her today on her facebook.  I know she has to miss you.  You have a lot of people missing you, and loving you today. Please say hello to the other family members from us that we can't be with.  We love them all.